Personal Revelation (sorry 1,398 words over limit)

Okay, so the topic for today is personal revelation. This is a topic that has always fascinated me.
I don't think I'm naturally very good at receiving personal revelation. I have had quite a few times in my life where I've had a decision come up and I've received revelation a lot slower than those around me. I'd often wonder why those around me received revelation so readily. I knew I was sincere, and that I was trying to do all the right things, but for me the heavens were closed (or to borrow from scriptural language "the heavens were as brass"). I'd often pray and just sit there in frustration as I got nothing and then I'd look around at those around me and despair at the ease in which they received direction from heaven. I felt like I was checked at customs and everyone else had a free pass for heavenly conversation.

There were times when I'd wonder if they were making up their experiences, or maybe I was just too closed off. I knew I wanted to know what God wanted, but I began to wonder if maybe I was only curious and maybe no ready to act on whatever God told me....so in a way God was protecting me by not telling me very much (the more ya know the more you're accountable for, if I didn't act on what I was given I'd be in a worse position than if given nothing).

Anyway, I went on this way for a long time. I never was very good at faith. About 3 days after my baptism I doubted the church (and when I say "the church" in this post I'll always be referring to the LDS faith). I remember that first time like it was yesterday. I was with my mom and we were visiting the Hansons (sp). They were a family in our ward. I was sitting on their grass in their front yard. They had a nice sloping front yard and across the street from it was a basketball court. There were some kids playing basketball, and I thought (still giddy with having been baptized just a few days before) "I should go tell those kids about Jesus Christ, most people don't seem to know much about him." And right after I thought that I had a doubt creep in. It was fast, and unexpected, and it really shook me. I thought "well, what if I"m all wrong, what if Jesus didn't live, what if my church is wrong." I realize that these are tough questions to answer when you just turned 8. I didn't have the skills necessary to answer them.

My first reaction was to feel guilty. I knew my parents had always told me those things were true. I felt like questioning these things was questioning their integrity. But, as I thought about it more I realized that they could be wrong and that would mean it wasn't a matter of them lying to me, it would just be them no knowing the answer either.

Regardless, this doubt felt horrible. I wanted to believe so bad, I wanted to have conviction, but I knew that my faith had a crack in it. From that day forward every time someone would bear their testimony I'd think things like "how does that person know?" I continued to go to church as if nothing had happened, but I felt at odds with faith. It was at this time that I got pretty depressed. It didn't really catch up with me till 2 years later, but this was when I started to not feel right about everything. I couldn't imagine any point to life without faith, and I felt like I was cut off from faith.

I've told people my problem before and they just told me I was a weird kid being so bothered by this at 8, but I don't think I was very abnormal (and if I was I don't think I should have been). I didn't want to lie to people and say I knew someting that I didn't. I didn't want to be a part of something that demanded so much if I didn't believe it. But, I was with my family, and my parents went to church, so I saw no real reason to walk from it. I figured I'd go through the motions and try to do the best I could, and I hoped that something would eventually come along to make me not doubt anymore.

I initially went through a bargaining phase with God. I would pray and say things like "if I read 2 chapters of scripture every night will you tell me this is all true in a month?" And then I'd read my scriptures like I promised and I'd wait. I'd never get anything.

I tried lots of things like that. I was really good at bargaining. I think God must have laughed at each new attempt in my nightly prayers (I'd bargain with other things...I made deals on what good things I'd do for heavenly aid in things ranging from basketball and hockey to math tests).

But in the end the bargaining never paid off. So, I lived a life that I felt was a bit of a lie, and it made me really sad. I became horrible depressed because I felt like my life was at odds with my beliefs. I guess I was a pretty somber kid when it came to subjects of eternal significance. In the end I began to think of revelation as something for other people, and something that I'd sorta pretend at, because I figured everyone else did and I also figured that there wasn't much harm in it...and it seemed to make everyone happy, and it certainly gave everyone a focus....a way to direct their lives.

I went on this way, feeling like a faker but feeling like I was no more of a faker than everyone else, until I was old enough to serve a mission. This was when I had to make some serious decisions. I had to decide whether it was right once and for all, because while I could lie to myself and not feel so bad, I didn't think I could honestly tell people I had answers that I really didn't.

So, that topic of personal revelation that I'd buried for so long I dug back up again. I prayed and prayed. I thought about it. I came up with arguments for why God had to exist. I talked with Garett and asked him how he knew. He gave me arguments for the existence of God too. But when you get down to it, there really isn't an argument that is satisfying to prove something like the existence of God.

The philosopher named Charles Peirce argued that there was what he called "the neglected argument." He basically argued that there is such a natural inclination, that our minds are so ready to cling to the idea of God, that there must be some merit to the idea. That's basically what I came up with too...I figured that I couldn't let the idea rest, and for that reason there must be some merit to the idea.

I decided that that was what I was going to act on, because my best judgment said there must be something to the idea of God and that I couldn't think of a better way of going about it than the church I was in. So, I started making decisions that would put me on a mission. I received the priesthood, I took missionary prep classes, I went to institute. But the thing that helped me most of all was getting the priesthood.

Right after I received the priesthood my friend Garett asked me for a blessing. He was always sick. He asked me for a priesthood blessing and I told him I probably shouldn't because I wasn't quite right with the whole thing. He asked if I was worthy to give him the blessing. I told him that in all things other than personal conviction I was worthy. He told me that I actually had a stronger testimony than I realized and he asked me to give him a blessing anyway.

I did and it was an amazing experience. It was the first time I'd ever really felt the spirit of God so strongly that I couldn't explain it away as something else. It took me completely by surprise. I wasn't expecting anything like that. I remember sitting down right after, feeling a little shaky, and thinking "don't forget this, you've been looking for something for a long time and now you've found it, don't let go of this, cause you'll need to remember what this feels like later when you begin to doubt again."

I learned then that the best way to find God was through helping other people, and that if I wanted revelation I'd get it most frequently when helping other people. This was certainly true on my mission. I spent ever day helping other people and that was one of the few periods in my life when I received consistent help from God. Every time I taught I felt like my thoughts were clearer than normal. It was a really amazing experience.

Anyway, I share this whole long story for two reasons. 1) to show that I'm no expert on this topic but it's one that is important to me and 2) to provide context for the revelation that I received about revelation (that is the main purpose of this post).

I feel like I've taken care of 1 now....but now I need to explain point 2. Here's how it happened.

I was on my mission and I was praying for some people we were teaching. I had had a lot of wonderful experiences on my mission at this point. I'd felt the spirit, I felt like I was really making progress in answering all those questions that plagued me my whole life. But one thing still bothered me. I wanted to know why I still struggled so much more than everyone else to get answers from God. It seemed like everyone around me on my mission was claiming one revelation or another and I never had anything like that. I had a calm assurance, I had a feeling of goodness, I felt right with myself and the world, but I never heard a voice, I never saw divine intervention. I just felt like I was performing better than I usually did, I felt like my thoughts were clearer...but they were still my thoughts.

It was at this moment that I had one of the clearest impressions of my life. This impression is one that has helped me out a lot over the years. And the impression (sorry for the sexist language, I wasn't careful about using man as the generic for person back then ). But anyway, the impression that came to me was this: a righteous man's reason is revelation.

That was the big kicker. For me at least this answered a lot of questions. I realize it's pretty obvious, but for me it was earth shaking. I thought back on my life. I thought about how my mission went, how I performed so much better than I usually did...that was God working through me. It was my thinking, it was my work, but God subtly augmented my efforts. As for the decisions of my life, I made those thinking them through, and they were good ones, and I'd call them revelation, because I wanted to serve God and he guided my thoughts for them to be good ones.

Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't step in and give direct revelation from time to time, but I've found that for me I've usually had the type I just mentioned. I've usually had to work through ideas, pray about them, and then make the best decision I could and hope that God would warn me if I was wrong. I've had a few times when God stepped in and circumvented my natural thinking, but those were rare times and it was only when I was about to make a big mistake and my thinking was off. But usually, God respects (at least with me) my decisions. I get to decide and he supports me.

Of course, I'm not claiming that everythign I think of is revelation. What I'm saying is that as I've tried to serve God to the best of my ability, my thoughts (especially when tryign to help others) have been clearer, my direction has been better, and looking back I can notice God's hand in my actions. So, from these things I've come to realize that personal revelation is often the best we can offer, and usually the best that we offer is what we offer when we are subtly led along by God.

This view sits well with me because it respects our agency. I think God wants us to learn how make decisions, not make our decisions for us. So many people ask God questions like "what should I do?" when I think they should really say "I've decided to do this, are you okay with that, and if not please let me know."

We are taught that we came here to make decisions, to grow and become more like God. It seems counterproductive for us to be sent here to make decisions and then for us to expect God to make all those decisions for us. How could we grow that way. The system has been set up with a savior to save us from our bad decisions...this is important because it allows us to make decisions...not defer them every time.

I see this being a real problem. Just a few days ago I was doing my home teaching. This girl I teach was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and it turned out that some guy broke up with her. This guy was an idiot. He didn't have the courage to say he didn't want to date her, so instead he said "I prayed about whether we should date and I didnt' get an answer so I figured it was wrong."

I told her that he was hiding behind God (yeah, I know a bit opinionated). I told her that God usually respects our choices as to who we date or want to be with...unless of course we're going to make a bad decision...then he steps in. But this guy was asking the wrong question. Rather than saying "should I date x?' he should have been praying " I really like x, I think about her all the time, I'd like to continue to date x. This is what I plan on doing, if this is wrong please let me know."

The decision was his. God wasn't going to date the girl, so God let him make the choice. God would just say "oh by the way, you said you want to, well, I can tell you now that won't end well." But he won't say "you must date this girl." In my experience he just doesn't work that way, he has given up way too much to ensure our freedom for him to circumvent it so easily.

Too many people hide behind revelation. They say "well, God told me that I should do this so I'm doing it even though I dont' want to." Now, there are times when this is the case, but in personal choices regarding how you'll live your life this is pretty rare.

We're here to learn how to make good choices, and we learn this through making good choices. Choices regarding who we marry, what we study, what we do for a living...these are things we need to decide. We should always be open to guidance from God, but these are ultimately our choices and onces we need to make. God can say if it's a bad idea, but only once you've got an idea.

This is why Joseph Smith prayed to God as he did. He didn't say "which church should I join." He said "I've thought this through, I have a preference for the methodist church, which church should I join." Joseph did the work, and then he got an answer.

The brother of Jared in The Book of Mormon did the same thing. He asked God for help, God said "how would you fix this problem?" The brother of Jared came up with an answer, and God helped him make it happen. God relied on him to make the choice, he just made it so his choice was a good one.

That's why that guy that was leading the girl I home teach on is such an idiot. He misunderstood all this. He should have said he didn't want to date her, but instead he said "God didn't tell me to date you so I can't." If he had said "I prayed about this and I thought about it and I don't think I should date you" that would have been a response deserving of respect, because it was his choice and he stood beside it. But to put it all on God...that's nonsense.

Looking back over my life I can see many places where God has guided my decisions. I rarely have had experiences that are unexplainable and supernatural. I usually just try to do the right thing, and I usually feel God's support as it is the right thing. Sometimes it's a bit scary because I realize I have so many decisions to make, but the one thing I can rely on is that if I'm making a really dumb decision God will help me avoid it.

Right now I'm trying to make some huge decisions. But I realize these are my decisions. I know whichever path I take, unless it's completely wrong, God will support me and help me along the way, but he will help me down the path of my choosing...not tell me the path to take.

I'm trying to decide what to do as a profession, I'm pretty sure both my options are good ones. I don't think God will say what to do either way. Of course I want to do what he would know would bring about the most good, but honestly it's my call. I recently had someone say "I think you'll be happy either way" (when thinking about how to plot my life) and they were right. I will be happy either way. I just gotta decide which I prefer and make sure God is okay with it.

I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses...like I'm trying to explain away amazing revelatory experiences. They do happen, but they're rare. What I think it's important to realize is that God works through us, not outside of us. As a kid I had had many wonderful experiences with God. His hand was definitely in my life, but I was too blind to see it because I was expecting a Moses like experience. I was expecting to see the hand of God directly, when I should have been looking more indirectly....at the effects of his hand. That's what I usually get. It's what I've come to expect.

And to be honest, I think this is the best way. I'm glad God trusts me to make decisions. I'm sure it would be much easier on him if he could just guide me through life so he wouldn't have to help me with so much damage control. It is a real vote of confidence that he trusts me to make deicions, he certainly paid the price so I could make decisions. So, I'll do my best to make good ones, and I'll always ask what he thinks is best, but when it comes down to it, I must admit, I've got a lot of choices to make, and that's as it should be.