Snoring

I am so tired this morning. I've been sleeping better, but last night I got about 1 hour of sleep, and it's all my roommates fault.

Last night he snored so bad sleep was impossible. I tried everything, but nothing worked. Here's what went down.

It's 1 o'clock. I decide I should go to bed. I listen to John snore. His snoring is extremely loud considering his size, and it's very insistent (it's like he's snoring with exclamation points)... I decide to count his snores instead of counting sheep. He was snoring 27 snores per minute. His snores were very consistent in their sound. He sounded sorta of like a bear. Not a bear roaring or anything cool....no, not that. He sounded more like the way a bear sounds in a movie when it breaks into someone's camp and it's rifling through their food as they're away for a walk. It's the muffled-guttural- eating-grunting-snorting sound.

After about an hour of watching the clock and listening to John I decide to see if I can disturb him a little bit so he wakes up partially--thereby ending his snoring.

This trick used to work on my mission. Back then I had a companion with a horrible snoring problem. We learned that if he turned over his snoring would go away. So, what we'd do is this: when he was snoring really loud I'd yell out "TURN!" and he'd roll over in his sleep and the sound would go away. It worked perfectly.

Anyway, I tried this with John. I said "booglie booglie" (I don't know any cool phrases to wake people up) but he stayed asleep.

I coughed, he stayed asleep.

I started freestyle rapping, but he stayed asleep (bet you weren't expecting that one).

I eventually decided to have fun and I started mimicking his sounds so he could hear how ridiculous he sounded. It went like this....


John: snnnaaaaahhhhhh

me: snnnaaaaahhhhhh

John: snnnccccchhhccchc

me: snnncccchhhccchc

And so on. (this was a direct transcript).

After a while it began to be sort of fun, and I think I even started a few of the sounds and it almost sounded like he fell in line and copied me.

Next I decided to talk to him, and let his snores answer. It went like this.

Me: How do you feel about Kant's transcendental deduction?

John: hhhhnnnnnnhhssss

Me: I agree. On another topic. Please describe how you feel about that girl you went dancing with?

John: hhhnnnnssschchchc

Me: Really? You think she's got a boyfriend? I'm sorry bro.

John: whhshhhhhhh

Me: What? You ate an entire wheel of cheese? No, I'm not mad, I'm impressed.

John: gghhhhhhhhhsw

Me: Hey, that's a bit below the belt. Please keep this conversation clean.

John: yhhhhnnnnschchch

Me: Okay, that's it, this conversation is over.

It is now about 3 in the morning. I decide I need to listen to music to fall asleep. But, the problem is that Johns snoring was louder than what I could listen to comfortably. If I turned the music up loud enough so that I wouldn't hear him, it was too loud for me to fall asleep.

I try to get his snoring to sync up with the music so his snores hit on the downbeats (he was snoring pretty regular)

...when I finally got music to sync up to the music (it worked surprisingly well) he changed his pace, turned over, and started a new pattern. Well played sir. Totally didn't see that one coming.

Now he went through a period of time where he started snoring inconsistently. Such a tease. I'd start to sleep when I got used to the rhythm...and then he'd change the pace. I would get used to the new pace....and then he'd change it again.

I look at the clock. 4 now. Still not a bit of sleep.

Now I'm at the point of resignation. I decide to feel sorry for myself. I think about how bad the next day will go. I cycled through some things I've been thinking about.

I thought about all of the typos and repetition of my last post (and cleaned it up, it's worth reading now).

I decided to count to distract myself. I didn't want to count sheep (so cliche)....so I decided to count Panzer tanks. Then I thought about counting wool coats (sorta like sheep). But then I went with realism and I decided to count snoring people.

I eventually got to bed at about 5 or 6. But, because John went to bed at 8, he woke up around 7:30. So, his morning shuffle woke me up.

Now I'm in class with a sleep hangover. But, even half asleep I am annoyed with this professor. He just said "what is eschatology." Everyone didn't know (and I was busy blogging so I couldn't answer), and he then said "It's the study of origin stories."

This man has his PhD! His definition could not be more incorrect. Eschatology is the study of the end of time, it's the study of religious literature predicting the end of the world. I think he was looking for the word etiology, but I'm not sure.

Well, I'm gonna see if I can get a little sleep in this class. Goodnight.