Library

Crazy I know...two posts in one day. I just wanted to write this down as it's happening.

I'm in the library right now. I'm sitting next to the stairwell....it has amazing acoustics. There is a girl in the stairwell talking on the phone. She is talking very loud....and her conversation is traveling much farther than she's aware.

Right now everyone can hear everything she says. It all started about 5 minutes ago. She said "James is a good guy, he liked me but I wasn't into him. You should look up his Facebook page. It's not private or anything. I know right? I like it when guys don't have their pages private. Hahaha! Look at his pictures. I'd really like to set you up with him."

Since this was so loud I looked up and noticed that everyone else was listening. There are 4 or 5 tables of people right now listening to every ridiculously loud word this girl says (at least 30 people). And we're all talking about it. It's really sort of amazing. It's like this girl shattered social norms, cause normally we'd all be studying and not look up (or talk to each other). Maybe everyone needs a break.

We all started talking after she said "He's a vegetarian but he's not gay." This made me laugh and I laughed loudly. Everyone looked at me (and everyone obviously heard her too) and they all started laughing.

She kept on describing the guy and one guy chimed in a few tables over and said "come on girls this James guy sounds like quite a catch. He's a vegetarian and he's not gay, that's really rare here."

Some of the girls laughed and they said "yeah, we really should meet this guy."

The girl kept on talking loudly. She has said that she's tired of guys not liking her because they're intimidated by her intelligence, beauty, and ambition. I have seen this girl and I contest at least 2 of her premises.

She has said that some guy named Brian looks good without his shirt on.

She has said that she's been feeling fatter lately but she weighs the same on the scale.

The rest of the conversation is pretty normal.....other than the broadcasting it across half the library part.

I guess the take home message....be careful how loud you talk on your cell phone in public places.

Oh, and I just had a professor say something funny. He said "talking about grades is like talking about sex--everyone gets uncomfortable and no one seems to want to do it."

I like similes like I like sunshine.

Pop Quiz

In school they often give pop quizzes. This shouldn't be possible, but it happens all the time. Why can't we have pop quizzes? Well, because it results in the hangman's paradox.

Here is how it goes:
The teacher says "I am going to give you a pop quiz sometime this week. You'll have a test, but I will only give you the test on a day when it will surprise you."

So, we know we'll be given a test but we don't know the day.

Lets figure out what day it could be.

Well, we know we can't have the test on Friday. Because if the test is on Friday we'd know the test would be that day, because it's the only day left in the week. And since we were told the test would be on a day we wouldn't expect (or know) there would be a test, the test can't be on Friday.

Thursday:
What would we know on Thursday? Well, on Thursday we'd know that we didn't take the test on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and we'd still know there could be no test on Friday... so the only day we could have the test would be on Thursday, but since we'd know that Thursday was the only day we could have the test, we can't have the test Thursday.

Wednesday:
On Wednesday I'd know that there was no test on Monday and Tuesday (cause I didn't take the test yet), I already have proven that it can't be Thursday or Friday, so the only day it could be is Wednesday, but since I know it's Wednesday there can't be any test that day.

Tuesday and Monday:
The logic can be repeated as it was on Thursday and Wednesday, and it can go on forever. So rather than write it out again, just repeat the previous arguments.

Anyway, we now know that there is no way to give a pop quiz during the week.

But this shouldn't work. There are a lot of articles that have been written about this problem, but no one has solved it. If the argument is formalized it is valid (some people say the paradox comes from the impossibility of formalizing this argument).

What we do know is this shouldn't work. There is either a weakness in our language, in logic, or in formalizing the sentences in logic....cause this argument comes out with the conclusion that there can be no quiz, but it's possible to give a quiz on any given day and surprise someone.

The trick happens when you make the leap from Friday to Thursday. There is something wrong with this leap, something about what you can know at some time and then inferring what you can know at another time. What's strange is that this even works with two days. If you only have Thursday and Friday you can still say "I can't take the test Friday so I have to take the test today, but if I have to take it today I can't take it today."

Anyway, something to think about. Next time you're told about a pop quiz tell the teacher that that's impossible.

Snoring

I am so tired this morning. I've been sleeping better, but last night I got about 1 hour of sleep, and it's all my roommates fault.

Last night he snored so bad sleep was impossible. I tried everything, but nothing worked. Here's what went down.

It's 1 o'clock. I decide I should go to bed. I listen to John snore. His snoring is extremely loud considering his size, and it's very insistent (it's like he's snoring with exclamation points)... I decide to count his snores instead of counting sheep. He was snoring 27 snores per minute. His snores were very consistent in their sound. He sounded sorta of like a bear. Not a bear roaring or anything cool....no, not that. He sounded more like the way a bear sounds in a movie when it breaks into someone's camp and it's rifling through their food as they're away for a walk. It's the muffled-guttural- eating-grunting-snorting sound.

After about an hour of watching the clock and listening to John I decide to see if I can disturb him a little bit so he wakes up partially--thereby ending his snoring.

This trick used to work on my mission. Back then I had a companion with a horrible snoring problem. We learned that if he turned over his snoring would go away. So, what we'd do is this: when he was snoring really loud I'd yell out "TURN!" and he'd roll over in his sleep and the sound would go away. It worked perfectly.

Anyway, I tried this with John. I said "booglie booglie" (I don't know any cool phrases to wake people up) but he stayed asleep.

I coughed, he stayed asleep.

I started freestyle rapping, but he stayed asleep (bet you weren't expecting that one).

I eventually decided to have fun and I started mimicking his sounds so he could hear how ridiculous he sounded. It went like this....


John: snnnaaaaahhhhhh

me: snnnaaaaahhhhhh

John: snnnccccchhhccchc

me: snnncccchhhccchc

And so on. (this was a direct transcript).

After a while it began to be sort of fun, and I think I even started a few of the sounds and it almost sounded like he fell in line and copied me.

Next I decided to talk to him, and let his snores answer. It went like this.

Me: How do you feel about Kant's transcendental deduction?

John: hhhhnnnnnnhhssss

Me: I agree. On another topic. Please describe how you feel about that girl you went dancing with?

John: hhhnnnnssschchchc

Me: Really? You think she's got a boyfriend? I'm sorry bro.

John: whhshhhhhhh

Me: What? You ate an entire wheel of cheese? No, I'm not mad, I'm impressed.

John: gghhhhhhhhhsw

Me: Hey, that's a bit below the belt. Please keep this conversation clean.

John: yhhhhnnnnschchch

Me: Okay, that's it, this conversation is over.

It is now about 3 in the morning. I decide I need to listen to music to fall asleep. But, the problem is that Johns snoring was louder than what I could listen to comfortably. If I turned the music up loud enough so that I wouldn't hear him, it was too loud for me to fall asleep.

I try to get his snoring to sync up with the music so his snores hit on the downbeats (he was snoring pretty regular)

...when I finally got music to sync up to the music (it worked surprisingly well) he changed his pace, turned over, and started a new pattern. Well played sir. Totally didn't see that one coming.

Now he went through a period of time where he started snoring inconsistently. Such a tease. I'd start to sleep when I got used to the rhythm...and then he'd change the pace. I would get used to the new pace....and then he'd change it again.

I look at the clock. 4 now. Still not a bit of sleep.

Now I'm at the point of resignation. I decide to feel sorry for myself. I think about how bad the next day will go. I cycled through some things I've been thinking about.

I thought about all of the typos and repetition of my last post (and cleaned it up, it's worth reading now).

I decided to count to distract myself. I didn't want to count sheep (so cliche)....so I decided to count Panzer tanks. Then I thought about counting wool coats (sorta like sheep). But then I went with realism and I decided to count snoring people.

I eventually got to bed at about 5 or 6. But, because John went to bed at 8, he woke up around 7:30. So, his morning shuffle woke me up.

Now I'm in class with a sleep hangover. But, even half asleep I am annoyed with this professor. He just said "what is eschatology." Everyone didn't know (and I was busy blogging so I couldn't answer), and he then said "It's the study of origin stories."

This man has his PhD! His definition could not be more incorrect. Eschatology is the study of the end of time, it's the study of religious literature predicting the end of the world. I think he was looking for the word etiology, but I'm not sure.

Well, I'm gonna see if I can get a little sleep in this class. Goodnight.

Value and the VCR

Newspaper adds won't let you sell your dog for free, cause they know that people who don't pay for a dog are more likely to abuse it. Usually people think this is the case because the cost deters abusive people from buying. But I think in addition to this, I think the act of paying for the dog in and of itself makes them less likely to abuse it. Through paying for the dog, they value the dog.

I once read a story about a man who lived next to a fork in the road. His wife began to yell at him for all the junk he'd collected over the years, so he decided to get rid of it. He stacked up all the junk along the roadside and put up a sign that said "take whatever you want."

The next day he checked the pile and it was untouched. He thought it was strange that no one was taking the free stuff....there were couches, car parts etc. It was valuable stuff....he just couldn't keep it anymore.

After a week had passed with no one taking anything the man decided to try something new. He put up a sign that said "everything on sale for 1 dollar."

He sold everything in a day.

There is something fundamentally important about paying for what you get. Either through time, money, work, whatever. When we give something to get something we value it...when we don't (if it's a hand out)...it means very little.

In this story people were excited to pay so little and get so much, but to pay nothing made them suspicious. When the price tag was nothing, they esteemed the goods as nothing.

But I think there is a caveat to this. When it comes to interactions with people, whether it's kindness, love, whatever..you shouldn't pay...at least not with money. In those situations it's best to give of a similar thing in yourself. The principle still applies (that you should give something to get something or you won't value it), but it's important that you give the proper thing in the proper way....if you don't it's offensive.

I recently had a somewhat funny experience that demonstrates this.

I have a friend who loves to watch American Idol. They were unable to watch old episodes because they had an old TV that only had a coaxial connection. They came to me and described their problem. I told them that I have an old VCR collecting dust in my closet and that they could use it/have it, cause I doubted I'd ever use it again. It was a brand new VCR, I can't even remember why I bought it in the first place.

Anyway, the friend took the VCR and said thank you. They offered to pay me for it but I insisted that it was a gift.

A few months later this same friend needed a favor from me. I said I'd be glad to help. I ended up spending about 4 hours fixing something for them, and when I was done the friend offered to pay me. I really didn't help the person expecting anything, so I once again refused and said "it's not a problem, I'm just glad to help."

A few weeks later I ran into this friend again and they tried to pay me once more. I tried to put it off, I said I was glad to help, and that the VCR was a gift, and that I didn't want this person's money. But, the person wouldn't let the idea rest and I eventually relented.

They asked how much I wanted and I said "it really was a gift, but if you must pay me then pay whatever you want."

They wrote a check and as they were writing they said "I also included some money for the VCR." I reminded them that it was a gift but I was done arguing.

I put the check into my pocket and I didn't look at it cause I figured it would be rude. I talked with the person for a while longer and then they were on their way. When they left I checked the check.

On the memo it said "for services and VCR." On the amount line it said 15 bucks. I was shocked. I had done something nice, and I felt good about doing something nice for someone. But they insisted I be paid, and they took my kindness and made it business. I didn't want to do that, but if they insisted I wasn't going to argue. But to value 4 hours of my life, combined with a brand new VCR at 15 dollars was ridiculous. I was bought out. My kindness was taken, and all for a few bucks.

I have charged for the service I provided before and in the past I had made about 150 bucks for an hour. This time I got 15 bucks...and that was for 4 hours....and it included a VCR!

So, what happened here? Well, I think there are some things...especially things like favors and kindness, that shouldn't ever be quantified. Putting a dollar price tag on the junk gave it value, but the kind interactions we have with each other shouldn't be quantified with cash. Putting a price on that actually diminished the value. So, I guess it's just the opposite. The only way to show how you feel about a kindness is through caring for that person and through being willing to return the favor.

To drive this point home...think about how messed up it would be to assign value to love. What if you dropped a girl off and gave her a goodnight kiss, and then you said "thanks, I had a great time tonight. Here's 3 bucks."

She should slap you. And why? 3 bucks is a good thing right?

The problem is that something special was shared, and it was cheapened by the exchange of money.

So, I guess all of these loose ends tied together goes as follows. We should give something to get something, because if we don't we don't value it. But, what we give should be of the same type as what we get. When dealing with things cash works fine. But with people it is important to give kindness for kindness, and love for love. As we give back properly for what we get, we'll be fulfilled and truly appreciate the value of what we have.

And now I better go.

Today

Well, today should be a full day. I wasn't as productive as I intended yesterday, so I gotta pick up the slack today.

First, I need to write a paper for that psychology class. What's frustrating is this will be the only paper I ever write for a psychology class...and it just so happens that the roommate I've had for the last few years (who is a Masters Student in psychology) is out of town. So, the only time I'd ever need his help with a psychology paper is the one time he's out of town. I guess I'll have to figure out APA on my own.

I also have a paper due in my Philosophy class. That's due tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow I also have two tests. One in metalogic and the other in the regular philosophy class.

Also, today I get set apart, I got to do a few interviews, hometeaching, and the traditional block of church.

Today is going to be a really long day.

Anyway, lets see. My weekend thus far.

Friday night I finished up at school and I planned on going to the SMTP conference (Society for Mormon Thinkers and Philosophers). But, when I got home I was pretty tired so I laid down to take a nap. But, I got a phone call from a girl in my ward asking if she could come over tonight and watch a movie with me. And, since I hadn't figured out a date for this weekend that worked out perfect. So, I said she could come over and I asked her what movie she had in mind. She said she wanted to watch Australia. Now, I could probably watch that movie if I had to... Wolverine is in it, and Nicole Kidman is pleasant enough, but I had the feeling that that movie was a trap. I couldn't help but think that it was the cinematic equivalent of a harlequin novel.

I asked if she'd like to go to the international cinema instead, and then I found out my friend Chandler was also going on a pseudo date that night. So I figured we should combine forces and put all of the awkward undisclosed motives and romantic tension into the same place. So, we made it a double-awkward-pseudo date. We saw a movie called "Together." It's about a young violin prodigy. It was a pretty good movie.

Saturday I woke up early, went to campus, and studied. I stayed there for quite a while, but I wasn't studying very effectively cause I was distracted, so, I went home and ran some errands. During those errands I had Costco pizza for the first time in years (I vowed to never have it again back when I worked in a Costco pharmacy...cause I had it every day for 6 months straight).

Then last night I tried to work on a paper again, but I realized my heart wasn't in it...and then I rationalized that I could work on the paper today (not remembering how busy today would be).

So, last night I read "The Stranger" by Camus. Unfortunately, I really related with the main character in that book.

And that brings me to now. With so much to do, and only blogging to help me procrastinate.

Oh, and I almost forgot. The best part of Friday was dinner. Right after I decided to not go to SMTP and right before the girl in my ward called, I went to a buffet at the Cannon center. It was the best meal I've had in a long time. Let me share my experience.

I walk in and I am rushed through without paying (I guess it all went on my friend's tab). I walk up to the first part of the cafeteria and see all the pizza I could ever eat... I grabbed a plate. I walked a little farther and saw 4 different types of soup...I grabbed a bowl. I walked a little more and grabbed a plate of spaghetti, and a cup of juice. I realized my hands were now more than full and I was balancing all the plates...so I went back to our table and set it all down. But I wanted to explore more. I was like Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka (not the most flattering simile) ... I was running around smiling and stuffing my face. The next section had burritos, and past them they had a huge salad bar (with all the goldfish crackers you could ever eat). Beyond that was hamburgers that they actually grilled, and next to that were little pieces of steak. I couldn't help myself and I grabbed one of everything...unfortunately, I couldn't carry it all back...so I had to eat my way back to my original table....lets call this grazing. I had to graze my way back to my original table. So, I grabbed a plate of everything till I couldn't carry anymore and I had to set it all down...I'd eat what I was carrying and free up my hands, and then go to the next section and repeat. By the time I had grazed back to where I had started I had already had about 3 dinners worth of food...and my original meal was now cold....but I had to return because people began to wonder where I was.

And I don't even feel like I tried everything. I didn't use the waffle makers, I didn't have any dessert...there is still so much more to explore.

The only downside to eating there is the age difference. I think this place was for freshmen with rich parents. I'm going to go back one more time, cause the friend that brought me says their Chicken is amazing. So, one more trip and then I'll say I've had enough. But this truly was a magical place. I weighed myself before and after (something I always do at buffets) and I was 2.5 pounds heavier on the way out.

In other news the weather has warmed up enough that I can start running again :)

Well, I'm off church. I hope every has a relaxing sabbath day. If you do, tell me what it's like.

Injuries

I don't know what the deal is but I've been getting a lot of minor injuries lately.

2 days ago my roommate asked if I'd beat him at Frisbee golf (actually he might have just asked me to play Frisbee golf, but it amounts to the same thing). We went to the course in South Provo across the street from the cemetery. What stunk was the rose bushes along the course. On the 4th tee they had a throw where there was a bunch of rose bushes between me and the target. Rather than go around I thought I'd go through. So, I chucked it really hard and prayed. But, a bush caught the Frisbee. So, I got all scratched up reaching around. As I was reaching around, one branch caught on my sweatshirt. I didn't notice and kept on moving...and the branch stayed cocked and ready and loaded....just waiting to pounce on me. I was oblivious and I kept on moving...and bending that branch at an increasingly sharper angle. Eventually I got the frisbee and started pulling back...and that's when the branch let go of my sweatshirt and smacked me across the face. Not a bad cut....definitely not prominent enough to make me look like a villain in a James Bond film (which is a shame).

Then the next day I cut myself again. This injury has a little back history.

A few weeks ago I had to take a test, but I forgot to shave that morning. Usually they don't enforce the shaving thing, but I didn't want to go to the testing center (where BYU administers most tests) and get sent away for not being up to dress code. So, I went to the campus store and bought some razors. I found the cheapest razors (1 dollar for 3...I should have known something was off), bought them, then went to the nearest bathroom.

Now, the frustrating thing here was the bathroom faucet was motion activated, and so was the soap. The soap dispenser wasn't very sensitive. I'd have to dance and wave in front of the soap dispenser to get enough soap to cover about a square inch of my face. In the end I didn't have time and I just shaved with water only.....and with such a horrible razor this was a mistake. My face felt so raw. I eventually finished shaving and only cut my face twice. I went to the testing center with a paper towel up against my face to catch the blood from the two nicks. The person smirked when I walked into the testing center. I can only imagine that there are other guys who forget to shave and shave at the last minute to get into the testing center (I was taking the test on the last day 1 hour before the center closed....if I didn't take the test I would get no credit.....so I was in a rush). I was sorta frustrated cause a girl wouldn't be kept out of the testing center for not shaving her legs (and not shaving one's legs is probably more socially unacceptable than not shaving one's beard).

Anyway, I put the razors in my backpack and forgot about them....but they were the gift that kept on giving.

Cause this morning I was reaching for my pen....so I rooted around in my backpack. But the problem is I keep my pens in the same part of my backpack as I kept the cheap razors (I figured I'd save them in case I was ever in the same situation). So, as I root around in the backpack I grab what I think is a pen and I clutch it....but it's not a pen, it's a razor without a cap ( cheap razors are not about safety). So, instead of a pen I got a slash across my palm. Stinking razors. I'm not so mature that I'm against expressing my anger at inanimate objects....so those razors are now destroyed.

And finally....last night. Last night I went to Wingers (wonderful wings there). Now, I like my wings pretty spicy so I ordered the atomic wings. They weren't very atomic. The girl serving us was so confident that no one could handle them and she made sure to check back to see if they were too hot. I told her they weren't very hot, and my roommate who also likes spicy food said the same. So, to make us happy she brought us some Dave's Insanity Sauce. This stuff is HOT! I've had it before, and it's always been a mistake. Anyway, I put a little of the sauce in the "atomic" sauce and it was now quite hot. Unfortunately, the bottle had some sauce on the outside of it. So, when I held the bottle I got some of the pepper sauce on my hand. I forgot about this.

About 2 hours later I was talking on the phone and my eye itched. I itched my eye and within seconds I was crying like an emo kid that just ran out of eye shadow. My left eye was red within seconds. It hurt so bad. It felt like someone put a hot poker in my eye.

This morning my eye still hurts a little, and my hand just stopped bleeding....but my face is now fine.

Oh well. What can ya do. I wish you all a happy and accident free day.

Update

Hello everyone,
Noticed it's been a few days so I thought I'd post some randomness. Here is some stream of consciousness writing.

What I've been up to:
Well, I told you all about Friday. That was fun. The next day I woke up early so I could study for my weekly logic test. Unfortunately, I made it to the library about 10 minutes late and I missed the study group. I sat there waiting for them, but they all went home since I wasn't there. So, I waited for about an hour. Luckily a girl in my ward was there for a study group too. We talked for about an hour and she missed her study group. It was a fun conversation. We discussed the following things:

How some names sound more masculine than others (names ending with a hard E sound are diminutive i.e. Danny, Timmy, Mikey, etc.)

How if you ever want to make fun of something someone says and make it sound stupid you just need to say, "yeah, that's cool, I think I saw that cross stitched on a pillow once."

It's really fun, you should try it. If anyone takes themself too seriously you use this tool as follows.....

Pompous person: "Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves"

You: yeah, I totally agree, I once saw that cross stitched on a pillow.

It doesn't matter how brilliant the previous statement is, or how much confidence the person said it with...if you make the cross stich comment their comment is destroyed.

Try it, tell your friends (and if you use this trick I guess I should specify...while you still have friends))

Anyway, it was a fun conversation. I never noticed it before but the girl has a very small and strange birthmark on her cheek. It is shaped like a heart. I always thought it was something she drew on her cheek, but it was natural. Pretty cool/weird.

Saturday afternoon I went to visit Garett's grave. It finally warmed up enough so they were able to pour the concrete. I sat there and just thought for a while. I really missed him that day. I usually don't think about how much I miss him, but every once in a while I just get overwhelmed and sorta fall apart with grief. It's sorta selfish of me actually. I miss him the most when I need him the most. Garett was one of the few people I could talk to and feel like I was better for the conversation...he could sort information so well, I could tell him what I was thinking, what I was worrying about, and he'd rationally and carefully walk through everything, process it, and give me advice that I could trust. He knew me so well, and when he helped me I knew he loved me.

That's such a rare friend. I haven't had another friend like him. This past Saturday I thought about how patient and helpful he was with me the first time I thought I was in love. Man that was a headache/heartache. I wasn't prepared for all the emotions I felt. I must have sounded like a broken record as I spoke out my frustration, indecision, pain, and I went back and forth between resenting the girl, loving the girl, missing her, never wanting to see her again, and wanting to spend every moment with her. I can only imagine I sounded like a whiny little cyclical sissy. But, Garett was an open ear. He knew how intense my feelings were, and how undeveloped and unrealistic they were (he'd been there before and he knew the silliness of teenage love)...but he listened as if what I was saying was important (and it was important to him because it was important to me). He helped me through that. Such an amazing friend. I wish I could have his advice now.

It's sorta sad. Every major step in my life he was there. He walked me through the decision to go on a mission, to go to BYU, to be active in the church. Right now is the first time I've had to make serious life changing decisions without him. I don't really have anyone else in my life that could fill his role. Saturday I was doing some serious life planning, and that's when I realized how empty that felt without Garett's help.

After a while I began to feel a little sorry for myself. I have so many people that seem to rely on me (I hope this doesn't sound like arrogance or bragging). On Saturday there were quite a few people that sought me out cause they wanted to talk through a few things. I am pretty sure I'm good at this because they all seemed a lot better after our discussion...and that made me miss Garettt...cause what I was able to do for them is what Garett (and pretty much no one else) could do for me.

What's even more frustrating is I received a phone call from the Stake President the same day and was given a new calling. I never will turn down a calling, but I've had this calling once before and it took a lot out of me. I really am tired right now, I don't know how much I have to give, but this calling will require me to give a lot of myself. Sometimes I wonder how much can rightfully be expected of me. I've always felt more comfortable being the teacher, or the counselor. I hate leadership, I always have.

Anyway, enough of that tangent.

So, after I visited Garett's grave I went to visit his family. I spent some time with them. They are a funny bunch. They are all really into video games. His kids seem to be doing pretty well. His oldest son is still as whacky as every. He walked up to me and said "you should be a male nurse." I have no idea where that came from. I asked him why and he said "you look like a male nurse." I asked what a male nurse looked like and then he said "I can beat anyone at Smash Brothers" (the video game).

Linda (Garett's wife) asked him again why I should be a male nurse, but all he would say for his reasoning is I look like one. She said "I think he looks like he could be whatever he wants" and then Garett's son said "he doesn't look like he could be a boxer." So, there you have it. I look like a male nurse, but not a boxer.

We all played a little Smash Brothers. It felt good to play that game again. I know this much, if I can't make it as a lawyer or a professor, I'm pretty sure I have a future as a professional gamer.

I asked if there was anything I could do (in the past they've needed little things fixed like setting up the internet router or moving something heavy), but they were doing okay, so I headed out to visit my friend Jason who was in town for the weekend.

It was really good to see him again.

One thing I noticed as he was leaving is how guys hug. It seems like there are three degrees of formality in guy hugs.

1) The shoulder lean: This hug is when you shake hands, then realize that you need to express more intimacy, so you both lean in with your right shoulder and your shoulders touch, then you pat the person on the back, usually once or twice, then disengage....and there you have it...male intimacy.

2) The traditional hug: This hug is when you just go straight for a traditional hug, you pat the person on the back twice (3 times if they're a good friend that you really miss) and then disengage.

3) The awkward hug: This hug is the hug where you hug traditionally, but there is no pat. You just hold the other person.

Now, for a little explanation of the third type of hug. My theory is this. When guys hug they don't want to get comfortable....cause that's intimacy. So, to make sure they're not overly comfortable, guys stay moving. What I mean is this. If two guys hug and they just hold it, they have to admit that they're enjoying the contact (because contact is the only thing going on). But if guys pat each other on the back they're doing something, they're active, they're not lost in the embrace...they're moving, they're shucking and jiving. So, by moving (in this case patting the other's back) the guys remove the tension inherent in heterosexual male/male contact. That's why the hug ends when the pats on the back end.

Just recently I tested this theory. I have a friend that was recently married (and for this reason I haven't seen him much lately). When I saw him after the few months of absence I gave him a hug. I didn't pat his back during this hug....and I still feel dirty.

So, guys please realize how important it is to hug other guys properly.

Here is a helpful cartoon I just found online explaining the proper way to hug category 1 style.

Well, I better get some lunch. I hope you're all doing well.

Stars

Well, last night was a really cool night.

I have a friend who's going off to MIT (or Oxford) to study philosophy. He's a really smart chap. His main emphasis is mathematical logic...and the math part sorta got him into astronomy.

As an astronomer he decided to read "Starry Messenger." "Starry Messenger" was written right after Galileo built his strongest telescope and it contains some observations that revolutionized the way we view the heavens.

And, as it turns out, "Starry Messenger" was written 400 years ago this year. And last night (the 19th of March) was the exact day that Galileo handed the manuscript to Cosmo Medici (sp) (along with the telescope he used to make the observations). So last night was the 400th anniversary of something very big. It was when Galileo for all intents and purposes actually came out with all his observations.

So, last night, as we were staring up at the stars, we were probably doing something very similar to what Cosmo (such a cool name) was doing 400 years ago with his recently procured telescope and book.

(by the way, Galileo got a ton of money for it, it was hard to be an academic back then without a wealthy patron)

It was sort of cold but it was amazingly beautiful out there in the desert (dessert for some). We had a pretty large group. I took about 3 or 4 people from my ward, there was the guy who started the trip and some girl that he brought, there was a few philosophy friends, and then some random people I didn't now. All in all we were a good sized group. We had 2 telescopes and a few sets of binoculars and we were able to see quite a bit. The night was very clear.

We went through all of the things Galileo had written about. We saw the mountains on the moon, we saw a few nebulas, the seven sisters, Venus. It was really cool. It was nice to have someone that knew what they were looking for to prep the telescope.

The sky even without telescopic magnification was amazing. I don't think I've ever seen so many stars (although being from SoCal that probably doesn't sound very impressive).

One thing I learned last night was I need to get out of the city more. There is something therapeutic about getting outside and seeing what God has made and finding a little perspective. It seems like all the problems and frustrations we face, whether it's a paper deadline, a test, a broken heart....whatever. It all seems to not be so painful or important when set against the backdrop of a (potentially) infinite universe. It's not that the problems that weigh us down seem insignificant. No, they're still amazingly important. But there's just something empowering about being under the stars. It's as if your soul expands a little so you can take everything in, and with that expansion you're better able to face the smaller (but still very important) things weighing you down. The heavens give context, and that's what I needed last night.

I'm grateful I was able to share that experience with all the friends that went. I know a lot of people going through a lot of stuff right now, what with grad-school, graduation....life planning in general. I know a lot of us went up there frantic and stressed ,and we all came back down a more composed, relaxed, and peaceful.

And I must say, I really appreciate God's consideration. He made one of his most beautiful creations (the heavens at night) in black and white.....totally thinking of us color blind people.

Getting What You Want

About 2 years ago I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a writing class and the professor had misunderstood what I'd written. The professor had misunderstood me because I referred to two different people by their last names, and they had the same last name...so he had to guess which one I referred to, and he guessed wrong.

After class I went up to him and told him about the mistake he'd made. He said "oh, yes, I'm sorry, I misunderstood, let me give you credit."

I was heartened by his agreement, I started to gain momentum, and I started talking. I was very gracious (I thought) and I said "oh, no problem, I can see why it wouldn't be clear seeing as the two men had different names."

As I said this he stopped at the gradebook, looked up, and then he said "well, it's the responsibility of the writer to clarify, since I could misinterpret, you did something wrong."

He put his pen down, gathered his things, and walked off. I stood there dumbfounded, with my mouth hanging, wondering "why in the world did I have to keep on talking?"

I'd already got what I wanted. He was giving me points. And while he's doing this I have to go and talk and ruin everything. I was being accommodating, I thought gracious, and because of that the points ran away from me. If' I'd have just shut my big mouth I would have won the day.

Right after this happened I remember thinking "learn from this, when you've got what you want, when you've won, shut your mouth."

The important thing here is being a good winner. If I'd have said "thank you professor, I'm glad you agree" I would have been golden, but instead I kept on pushing, I gave him an inch and said "I can see why you made that mistake," and I tried to give more evidence for why I was right, and that additional evidence was my downfall.

My problem was this: I strengthened my case by weakening his. Initially he was willing to give me credit. But as I strengthened my position, I diminished his, this annoyed him, he lost face, and to save face, he couldn't give me points (cause that would solidify his error).

I thought I'd learned my lesson, but last week I met with a student professor and made the same mistake. This girl didn't know what she was doing, she didn't know how to write a test, and I went into her office and spoke with her about it.

I asked her for a copy of the test and I read a question out loud to her. I asked her "do you see what is wrong with that question?" She didn't. So, I continued. I said something like:

You give us the options
A) Option 1
B) Option 2
C) A and B
D) B and C
E) None of the above

Now lets figure out which answers each one refers to:

A gives us Option 1. Good.
B Gives us Option 2. Also good.
C gives us Option 1 and Option 2.
D gives us Option 1 and Option 2 through C and it gives us Option 2 again through B. So D refers to Options 1 and 2.

This of course means that both C and D are equally true. They refer to the exact same things. This means that if someone knows the correct answer (Option 1 and 2) then they have a 50 percent chance of getting it right and choosing one of the two correct answers.

She caught on, but I could tell she was annoyed with my tone (and I was annoyed that I had to explain this to her).

I continued.

I pointed out to her her next question. She had asked "What is one critique of Freud's theory?"

The options were
A) critique 1
B) critique 2
C) critique 3
D) A and C

I knew it was A and C when I took the test, but I also knew that she asked for "ONE" critique. So, dismissed the one answer that it couldn't possibly be, and I picked one of the two I knew was right. I figured I'd have another answer with a 50 percent chance (just gone through the last one).

But, she'd wanted answer D. I asked her if she saw the problem there. She didn't. I thought it was pretty obvious, so I (patiently (I thought)) walked her through the question.

I said:
Given your question there are two possible correct answers. B is wrong because it's not a critique of Freud. D is wrong because it doesn't answer the question: you asked for one answer and it was two. So, there were two possible correct answers--you had a 50 percent chance of picking one of them, and with all those options you picked the one answer that is impossible.

I could tell at this point I needed to shut up. I guess I'd lost my patience with her. I didn't get the points I'd lost. If I'd gone in and said "excuse me, is it possible that it could be viewed this way. Would you be willing to reconsider, and maybe give me points" I'd probably have had my test score raised. But instead I made an enemy. I'm such an idiot.

Now this all ties back into what's on my mind today. In January of 1610 Galileo published Starry Messenger. So, it was 400 years ago this year that he first published his observations of the mountains on the moon, the phases of Venus etc. In his honor I'm going to the desert tonight with a few friends and a telescope to observe the same stuff he observed with the telescope he made 400 years ago.

And Galileo had the same problem as me. He didn't know how to work with people. Galileo was horrible at getting agreement. If he wasn't so disagreeable he would never have gone to trial. Galileo's problem was he couldn't settle for being right, he had to make sure other people admitted it...people in power.

The funny thing when you're trying to get something you want from someone in power....you gotta ask in the right way, and let them save face, or they'll reject you....cause they gotta have prestige along with their power...and they can't afford to let some upstart shake the boat. I'm an upstart. Galileo, when dealing with the Catholic church, was an upstart.

Now, I'm no brilliant astronomer trying to revolutionize the way we see the world. Unfortunately, my comparison to Galileo is only as accurate as our disagreeableness. But I think there is something to be learned from our mistakes. Learn how to win and win well. Learn that it's more than just being right, it's also working with other people for the best solution. Pure argument is only persuasive when people are willing to be persuaded. But if you give someone no room to agree with you (maintaining their dignity) then they won't agree with you. It's that simple.

Okay, that's about it. I'll clean this up later. Class is over and I gotta go.

Munchkin Studios' Newest Single!

Hello Everyone,
The Munchkin has a new hit single out. The song was written for her boyfriend, Spencer.

And, please take note of all the nifty tricks used by my father in recording this song. Since I can't explain all he did, I'm just going to copy and paste his description of how he made some of the sounds. That way you can appreciate how clever he is.....

"The fiddle was done by using Vienna Symphonic Library solo viola samples. Obviously they never intended for anyone to turn them into a fiddle. The samples were intended for orchestral music so the samples were pretty straight. To get that hicked up sound, I used Antares AutoTune to create pitch shifts that sound like a violinist sliding their fingers while bowing the string. Sounds pretty convincing. This is also the first track I’ve recorded using the Hofner bass I picked up at Christmas and it worked extremely well. If you really have your ears on, you might even notice a touch of cowbell during the chorus. Please no “More Cowbell” jokes here. I just couldn’t help myself. Finally, the banjo is my Fender 5-string. I had fits trying to figure out how to record it because normal mic techniques just didn’t work. I ended up calling Adam Speth to find out how he setup for recording his banjo and he gave me some tips that helped me get pretty close to the mark. I’ll get it better next time. The acoustic is my old Guild and the electric is my Fender Strat recorded clean with a touch of chorus."

Anyhoo, without further ado....here's the song.

Munchkin's Song

This Morning

How do we decide the first day of Spring? I read it will be March 21st, but this morning someone told me that today is the first day of Spring. I asked why and they said cause we'll break 60 degrees today. I don't know if reaching a certain temperature is the best way of defining Spring...cause that will make it so that some places never have Spring, and others get Spring early etc.

So, I'm gonna hold back till March 21st to say "Happy Spring!" If anyone says "Happy Spring!" I think you should excitedly tell them "almost!"

Moving on....

This morning as I drove to class I had some amazing luck...or so I thought.

I pull up to the parking lot and a guy starts walking to his car. He was on the very first row and only a few cars down....this sorta luck never happens--especially when I'm late.

So I pull up behind the guy walking to his car. I roll down my window and ask him "are you parked on this row?" (I wanted to make sure he was parked on that row and that he was leaving before I invested my valuable parking time on him).

He looked at me and said "yeah bro."

This guy was wearing sunglasses at 7 in the morning....when it was not sunny. He had side burn chops going down to his jaw. He had the sorta sliding walk only had by cool people....people so cool that they have to walk slow so that the coolness they exude doesn't override everyone around them...they gotta walk so slow so that the world can slowly appreciate and absorb all the waves of awesomeness they radiate every second of their lives.

(if you haven't seen this walk you're missing out. This guy was walking about 1 mph, he had his back straight, one hand in his pocket, and he leaned into each step, and he had his chin up--like he had to look up all the time. Very funny to watch.)

Anyway, this was perhaps the coolest guy in all of Provo (not that that is much of an accomplishment to be fair). As he's doing the cool walk to his car I wait patiently (remember how slow the cool walk forces you to travel).

I begin to wonder "what sort of a car would a guy who pays so much to his appearance drive? What sort of car would be worthy of how highly this man obviously esteems himself?"

So I watch him walk down the aisle. The first car was a nice Acura. I thought that might be his. Nope, he kept on walking. Next car was a pink bug. I knew that couldn't be his...he kept moving.

Next car was a Prius. This car was far too practical and thoughtful for someone like him...I knew it couldn't be his...and yes, he kept on walking.

Next care was a beat up Camry. I didn't think this could be the car of the coolest guy in Provo...but it was. He veered toward the car and tried to get in....key word being "try."

He pulled on the door but he could't get in. At this point his aura of coolness started to dim. He looked back at me waiting patiently for his spot and then focused on his door again, he tried once more, and nothing. He looked back once more and I could see the cracks in his aura of coolness widen....he tried once more----still nothing. He turned around and I gave him a thumbs up that said "you can do it sport!"

He tried once more and was still denied. I'm beginning to get impatient because I'm already late, and I had to wait for the cool guy walk, and now I had to witness the humiliation of the cool guy who couldn't open his door.

Eventually he jumped through the passenger window and slid over to the driver seat. He drove off, probably to greener pastures....to places where car doors open like the windows of heaven. I wish him well.

Well, that's today's parking story. I better pay attention to this lecture now. Hope you all have oodles of fun today.

Guilt

Okay, so today's topic is guilt. This topic came up last Sunday in church and it got me thinking.

What happened is a girl in my ward wrote down a little quotation about guilt. According to her the idea came to her like a stroke of revelation and she quickly wrote it down. When she was done she showed it to me. The quotation went like this:

"I have noticed that it is the hallmark of a good man that he has a sensitivity to the promptings of guilt. A good man experinces guilt more intensely than most; it sweeps him away and envelopes him. A good man is brought to despair."

When she showed this to me I was in quite a predicament. I could tell she was proud of what she'd written, but I thought she'd missed the entire point. She'd associated the effects of guilt (which can be good) with guilt itself (which his bad).

Now, I was in quite a predicament cause I didn't want to say "no, that's a horrible definition. I disagree with it. If you think it's revelation from God than I disagree with that too."

So, I didn't say that. I figured that would have been too much. But I did offer to her the idea that maybe her quotation is incomplete. She said "what would you write?"

The result was I didn't pay attention to the next 2 testimonies in testimony meeting...but I came up with something along these lines (and I use "man" as the generic for person only because she did in her definition...I usually avoid sexist language):

(also, her definition and and what I'm about to describe are not definitions. She was wrong in that too. We're talking about the properties of guilt, not defining guilt. A definition is a very particular thing, but I'll probably post on the qualities of a proper definition some other day.)

Guilt: guilt is a negative emotion and an emotion one should avoid. However, (and this is the tip of the hat to her) quite paradoxically, this bad emotion is more frequently felt by good men than by bad men. Why is this? My thoughts are these: a man sensitive to guilt is a man prepared to repent. As a person grows out of guilt they grow into God. The feeling of guilt is the feeling of dissatisfaction with one's currest spiritual state. This feeling is the primary inciter for positive spiritual change. Guilt is for the soul what pain is for the body. Pain warns us when things are wrong. Pain tells us to take our hand from the fire or we will get hurt. Similarly, guilt warns us when things are wrong. Guilt warns us that we must change or we will be hurt (or hurt or continue to hurt someone else).

For this reason, guilt, like pain, is not something that should be revelled in. It is something we go through and grow through--not something we should ever accept. Guilt is only beneficial as it inspires us to access the atonement.

As you can see, we had two very different approaches to this topic. She thought guilt was a good thing. I think guilt is a bad thing, but it can be good in its effects. This of course doesn't make it a good thing, it's just associated with things that are good. If guilt is good because it inspires people to virtue, then the devil is a good because through opposing good he distinguishes good (without evil there would be no good argument).

I get sorta tired of all the people who revel in guilt like it's some higher path, like feeling guilt makes them more noble than those who have uncluttered consciences. Feeling guilty for a long time doesn't make you a better person, it just shows that you don't believe that Christ's atonement is effective. Christ made it so you can come clean, not so you can dwell in the suffering of a guilty mind. Many people think that the guilt demonstrates a sensitivity to the spirit...and while it's true that guilt demonstrates that you're open to correction, if you stay guilty longer than is due, this shows that you're not open to the the true purpose of guilt....to grow out of it.

I think we often exalt people who suffer. It looks like they're martyrs for a cause. But lets only exalt sufferers that suffer for a purpose. I am impressed when guilt inspires people to change. But needless suffering, and suffering for longer than is appropriate, is flat out annoying. Even worse, it makes a mockery of the atonement of Christ.

Let's not praise people for feeling bad. Let's praise people who feel bad and do something about it. Let's praise people who grow through their mistakes, not people who wallow in them.

Okay, that's it for today. I might blog later. This is just a rant that I woke up with this morning.

p.s. Happy Pi Day!

PDA

This acronym can refer to "personal digital assistant" and it can refer to "progressive democrats of America"....and it can even refer to "parental drug association"....but today it will refer to "public displays of affection."

My roommate John teaches Sunday school. But he only teaches every other week. When it's not his week I have to figure out which class I should attend. Since I like variety, I switch out and attend a different class every week John doesn't teach. This last week my friend Adrianna said I should attend marriage prep with her and I said "why not." So, we went to that class.

Now, I sat at the back of the class. From my position I could look ahead at many of the happy couples while the lesson went on... and I was shocked. There were three couples that were just out of hand. Adrianna pointed to one that was kissing in Sunday school! We started to talk about how ridiculous this all was, and we started to define the boundaries of what would be okay. We went through all of the different things that we thought were okay: back rubs, hand around the chair, whispering in the ear, etc.

When we felt we had a pretty good handle on things we looked forward and there was a couple actively making out....in SUNDAY SCHOOL!

I just don't get this. Now, I recognize that I have the personality equivalent of a cold shower, but regardless, I can't imagine a time when this sort of behavior would be appropriate.

I decided that I needed to do something to break those two amorous Sunday school students up. I felt like I had a religious obligation to do this....so I turned to Adrianna, said "watch this" and I raised my hand.

I was called on.

Now, the topic of discussion was "meeting the needs of your partner through compromise" so I had to ask a question or make a comment dealing with this topic. My comment was this:

"I imagine it's very difficult for people to reach a compromise when displaying affection. Some people are very comfortable with this, others are not. I think a lot of the guys in my family are pretty awkward and stiff in this area. But I think we all get better over time. I know my dad is far more affectionate now than he was when I was a kid. I have a friend (always have a friend) who struggled to compromise in this area. He was sort of like me, kinda cold, and his girlfriend was very affectionate They constantly struggled to reach a compromise. She constantly wanted him to be more affectionate, everywhere they went. Of course, she never asked him for any sort of affection that was completely inappropriate, say, like kissing in Sunday school or something, but she did want him to hold her hand, or kiss her in a movie theater. He learned how to do this, and I think that compromise really helped them out, because being able to express how you feel in the way the person you care about wants you to express how you feel is very important."

Basically (although I agree with my comment) the whole purpose of the statement ws so I could say ""never asked for any sort of affection that was completely inappropriate, like kissing in Sunday school."

After my comment the inappropriate couple disengaged like the other one just contracted mono. It was pretty fun to watch. Adrianna started laughing while I was making my comment (I, thankfully, kept a straight face). Other than a sideways look at Adriana from the bishop's wife, we were in the clear.

But this got me thinking about public displays of affection.

This topic was in the back of my mind for the next little while. And the next day I was talking with my friend Chandler (who was in that Sunday School lesson) and I explained what I had done. We were laughing about it. He assured me that my comment only stood out to those who were so obviously not respecting the bounds of propriety.

As we were laughing about this we coincidentally came across two people making out on campus. I mean, this was passionate-- far more passionate than was appropriate in the middle of a crowded walkway...this guy was on this girl's face like a Rottweiler on a steak.

He had both hands on her face so that she couldn't turn away as he systematically made sure no portion of her face was untouched (or dry).

Because of the wonderful timing we just started laughing. I don't know if our laughing made the guy uncomfortable, but he seemed less amorous once two random guys walking by stopped and stared at him and started laughing.

When the guy looked over we gave him a thumbs up.

This of course brought up the topic in my mind again.

Here is where I think the line should be drawn. There is affection, and there is affection meant to say something.

It's good to show someone you care, and it's also good to show that you care in public because it's not something to be ashamed about. I think it's even endearing to share a quick kiss in public. The problem is what kind of kiss is shared. There are personal and public levels of affection. Kissing is fine, if it's a sort of kiss that says you care and that you love the other person. But if it's a kiss that says something more, if it's the sort of kiss that is associated with the sort of things you do in private, that kiss should take place in private.


What annoys me is when a guy tries to be affectionate in public like he's staking his territory or trying to make a point. That is really bothersome. His advances aren't even addressed at the girl, he was just trying to make a statement about his territory, and about how he's got a girl. That is even more than inappropriate, it's wrong.

But other that that, I think everything else is good. I think the limit is pretty clear. The action expresses an emotion, and if the emotion is a loving and affectionate one it's appropriate. If the action is passionate, then it should probably be reserved for a time and place where it is appropriate to express such.

Well, I better get back to work. Hope you all have a super day.

Rejection

A few days ago a girl I hometeach called me. She was pretty distraught. She had had a horrible week. She was dumped by her boyfriend (his name was Axel and he wasn't in a metal band so I don't think it was much of a loss), she got a ticket, and she was rejected by two of the grad-schools she applied for.

The worst part in all of this was that one of the schools she was rejected by was her fall back school. She figured that school wasn't good enough, but she'd apply just in case everything else went wrong...and that school said no.

So, we had a long talk about rejection. I think it's really interesting how it is painful to be rejected by something or someone that you're not even prepared to accept their offer/them. I mean, she didn't want to go to this school, but it hurt her feelings that that school didn't want her.

I can only think of one time that I've been outright rejected and it was a similar thing. This was when I was 14 or so. I was at a church dance and the young men's leader came up to me. He noticed that there was a girl sitting against the wall and not dancing. He said "Danny, would you ask Shelly to dance, she looks like she's not having a very good time."

Shelly was a few years younger than me, she was unattractive, and she had a very abrasive personality. But, I was asked to ask her to dance, and I thought it would be good to get some good karma, so I said "sure" and I went off to ask her to dance.

I walked up to her and asked if she'd like to dance and she looked at me for a second, crinkled her nose, and then said "no thank you."

I remember being floored. I thought to myself "wait a minute, she said no? She said no to me? I didn't even want to dance with her....I was doing a favor...and I got rejected?!"

I walked away feeling pretty horrible. I knew that I didn't even want to dance with her, but her saying she didn't want to dance with me still hurt. It was a very curious feeling. I tried to be rational and realize that I got exactly what I wanted and so did she...but something about her not wanting to dance with me bothered me. I tried to figure out why she said no. I wondered if it was cause she was shy (she didn't dance with anyone else either), whether it was me, whether I'd said something to her in the past to make her not like me (very likely) etc.

So, that was my rejection story. And it seemed like it fit my friend's story. I mean, she didn't even want to go to that school, but she was all bent out of shape about them saying no. I think it's cause most people take rejection personally....kinda hard not to.

I told her she should call up the school and say "hey, I don't really want to attend your school at all, but could you accept me so I can reject your offer...you won't be overcrowded and I'll have my dignity." But then I realized that if she did that it would totally defeat the purpose because it would demonstrate how much that school rejecting her bothered her. Cause she can't pretend she was too good for that school if it bothered her to not get accepted.

In the end we decided that the only mature way to go about this was to get accepted at a really good school. What she could do was make a copy of her acceptance letter to a good school, make a copy of that school's ranking, make a copy of the ranking of the school she was rejected by, and then send the package to the school that rejected her with a note that says "how do you like them apples?"

That really is the only mature response.

I really need to get to the bottom of this idea though...why is rejection like this. I've had other weird experiences too. Just recently I had a girl like me for about 3 weeks

(sidenote: I've recently noticed that when a girl likes you and she makes advances...the length of time you have of ignoring her before she moves on is proportionate to her self-esteem. This girl liked me for about 3 weeks so she thought well of herself)

what was strange was that I had no interest in her, but when she stopped liking me I was sad. I know for a fact that if she started to like me again I wouldn't do anything about it...and her liking me was even a little bit uncomfortable, but for some reason when she stopped (or at least she stopped trying) it was sad. This makes no sense.

Now, my theory on all of this is this.....and please don't judge me cause I'm gonna take a pretty objective (which is at times offensive) perspective on relationships.

I think that in most relationships (not all of course) there is one person in the dominant position. Often this person is the more attractive of the two, but if can also be someone that is more intelligent, more charismatic etc. Usually it's the person that could do better outside of the relationship. Cause when you're thinking about settling down it's sorta natural to wonder (at least for me) if you can do better. You look around at your prospects....and you measure by whatever criteria you use( ambition, money, looks etc.) whether there are other people you could land that would be better than the one you're currently with. You make this assessment by determining (by whatever standards you use) your own value, and then you compare it to the value of the person you're thinking of dating.

Now, if you feel like you can't do any better, you're very grateful to be with the person you're with. You get all excited, you're very accommodating...you do all you can to keep them, because you think that what you now have now is better than anything you'll get.

But then there is the other person. When you treat them this way they know they're in the dominant position. They probably think they can find someone that's better (or at least a better fit) so they sorta take things easy. They accept the other persons kindness, but they're always ready to bolt for the next thing that comes along.

The trick is when the person stops feeling that way. That's when the person in the dominant (and ungrateful) position has to re-evaluate things. Cause now they can't take the other person for granted, now they gotta wonder what changed, whether the other person is in a stronger position, whether they really could do better....and then they begin to question their judgment. They wonder if they lost an opportunity, if they over-valued themselves etc. This is why people take getting rejected, even when not interested, hard.

My friend thought she was too good for that other school, but when that school said she wasn't good enough for them she had to say to herself "maybe I'm not all that great." or "if I can't get into this school, what other school would want me."

So, when we're rejected what happens (and what is so frustrating) is careful self-reflection.

I've always been in a strange position when it comes to this sort of thing. I have a pretty high estimation of myself. I don't think I've ever dated anyone where I felt like I was getting the better deal (maybe 1 or 2 exceptions). I've always wondered "is she enough?" I've never wondered "I hope she accepts me for who I am." I realize that this is a character flaw on my part.

But I think that for me this makes things even harder, because when a girl likes me and she stops liking me, or if I like a girl and she doesn't like me, I have to ask myself "am I not as great as I think?" and I have to wonder "can I really do better?" Which is really funny cause there are times when I'm not sure if I want to pursue something, and then a girl changes her mind about liking me, and all of a sudden I get all scared and certain that I lost something...which I realize is stupid because a week before I wasn't even sure I wanted it.

The other funny thing is it's often hard to let go of the idea that someone likes you. There was another girl a week or so ago that told me she liked me (the musician girl...I think I mentioned her earlier), and I was pretty clear with her that I wasn't interested. But every time I saw her I thought of her as "that girl that likes me" and I interpreted all of her conversations as some sort of advance, when I realize looking back now that that was my pride. She got over me, but I guess my pride wasn't able to think of her as having got over me. I figured she wouldn't drop liking me so fast...

Very strange.

So I guess what I'm getting at is rejection is a weird thing. Whoever values the relationship the most has the most control, and when someone rejects you, they have control. Similarly, when someone likes you and they give up liking you, they value the relationship less and they gain control. It's always the person who cares the least that comes out dominant. And the person that cares the least is usually the person that can do better outside of the relationship.

I think this is why it's often nice to see the people someone dates after they date you. You get to say "yeah, they're not doing any better...good luck finding someone better." And when you see the person they're dating you get to stack them up against you and determine whether you should be jealous. This is very petty (and it's similar to that idea from earlier of mailing your acceptance to a better school to the school that rejected you).

Everyone wants to feel valued. When we care about people we assign them value, when we reject people we assign them value. Even when someone rejects us that we don't like they assign us value. It's a very strange thing.

I guess this is an important issue for me cause I so rarely care about anyone enough to try a relationship. My problem is I avoid relationships because I almost always think something better will come along, but that means that I so rarely get into relationships that I raise the value of the relationship I'm in...causing me to be in a weaker position. So, my perception of a stronger position puts me in a weaker one.

Of course, this is an oversimplificaiton of the issue...and I don't think it's a very healthy attitude to look at relationships in term of power struggles (very marxist).

I think at some level relationships work best when both people feel like they're in the dominant position...or the dominant position in some things and the other person is dominant in others....then you might have equality. Or perhaps the true ideal is when they don't even care at all about who gets more than whom...they just want to make the other person happy.

That's the standard President Hinckley talked about when he said "true love isn't so much about romance as it as about an anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

I think if you're more worried about the other person being happy than you are about getting a good deal you're probably off to a good start. Just recently I felt that way for the first time in recent memory...I cared more about the other person than I did about whether or not they could contribute as much as me. It was a good feeling. I think that relationship could have worked. At least it would have started off with genuine friendship and charity rather than bargaining...which is what I'm sick of.

I'm so tired of the bargaining in life. Whether it's bargaining your value with a grad school, at a job, or on a date.

I think this is why it's so good to have close family and friends. They're the ones that don't fit in this model, they're the ones that you can like without wondering about who gets more or less. They're the ones you don't feel like you have to constantly impress to maintain the relationship. They're the ones you genuinely love. It's love that removes us from the petty quid pro quo mindset of interpersonal relations.

This is why I've started to hate dating. I'm tired of the game, of the insincerity, of the weighing, of the wondering if it's a good deal. I just wanna care about someone again, and throw all that childish nonsense out of the window.

My advice is if you find someone that really cares about you...consistently and fairly...cherish them. That is quite rare. I've been so lucky to have the friends and family that I do...i really feel at peace with them.

Well, I sorta got off topic (but it remained pretty consistently themed I think).

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. A lot of events lately...I'll post about them later. I just thought I'd get this out first.

Hope you're all doing well.

Random Stuff

Okay, here's an awkward way to start a post, but I've been girly lately. Let me explain.

First off, I'm in a psych of gender class. They gave us a test meant to determine whether we have male or female brains. It was a really stupid test to be honest. If you're a nice person you come across as a female, if you're a mean person you're male.

Some questions go like this:

If you hurt someone's feelings do you say you're sorry?

If you say yes then you're more female, if you don't say sorry you're more male.

Stupid right?

Other questions were things like "I try try to include other people in my activities" (this is also a female question (or statement more accurately).

I answered all these questions in the positive so the test started to tell me I have a girl brain.

The only thing that saved me was the logic questions. I guess the test used logic to recognize male brains. So, since I answered all those questions positively it sorta balanced me out. But even with all my logic I was still 1 point more feminine brain than masculine brain. I think it's a silly test. If I had said things like "I laugh at the misery of others" I could have had a man brain.

But anyway, the test lets you have 5 points either way, so I guess that rather than saying I have a feminine brain I could say I have a very well balanced and androgynous brain. I like the way that sounds better.

But speaking of girl brain, I've been treated like a girl lately and it's been weird. The past 5 weeks I've got my date in without asking anyone out. This is the most I've ever been asked out. I now know what it's like to be a pretty girl.

The funny thing is I've been passed around too...and that's just strange.

There was this one girl (hereafter referred to as Girl#1) that liked me. She was very open about it, and she asked me out a few times. On one of those activities (a group date) I met her roommate (girl #2). Now, my good friend is infatuated with girl #1 so I couldn't do anything about it without breaking trust. And to be honest, I couldn't get myself excited about her regardless of how perfect she seemed. So, after a while I guess she gave up...but that opened me up for the roommate. Anyway, last night I was asked out by the roommate. I was just tossed around. I hear that happens to girls sometimes, but it's never happened to me...and it felt strange. When she asked me out I said "so wait...is girl #1 coming?" She said "no, it's just us, it will be a date. Is that alright?"

Anyway, that's the next reason I'm feeling sorta like a girl today.

Oh, and a funny thing, yesterday was my roommates birthday. We went out with two girls in our ward to get shakes. When we were there one of the girls looked at me and said "you know what, if you weren't a member of the church you'd be a druggie."

Believe me, this came out of the blue. I asked her why I'd be a drug addict and she said "well, you just have that sort of personality."

I have no idea what this means. Does she mean I'm irresponsible? Does she mean that I don't have any self-control? Am I unambitious?

I doubt I'll ever figure out what that means...but I should probably drop the idea cause I'm sure I already put more thought in her statement than she did making it.

Oh, and funny thing. I'm in class right now and this girl just raised her hand and said "I can talk about having a double life. When I'm at home we don't watch pg-13 movies. But when I went away to school I started watching pg-13 movies. So now when I go home it's weird cause I can't watch pg-13 movies there, and I feel like I have a double life."

Isn't that awesome?

In other news I think I might be too competitive. I played racquetball last night and I realized I have a problem. I haven't played for about a year, and I went with people who play weekly...so I figured that I better work hard. My problem is this...I get so focused I stop having fun.

When I was a kid I'd do this. Any time anything involving competition came up I'd get tremors in my hands, my heart would beat fast, and I'd I'd just clear my head and think about nothing but winning. I rarely had fun but I always won. As I grew older I realized I had a bit of a problem and I worked at fixing it. Here's an example...

A few years back I went on a date at a game center. I knew I had (have) a very unattractive competitive side, so I let that go and I let her win. I felt like this was a big step for me...Iwas making progress as a person...I was letting someone else win.

But the problem was she started to rub it in. She'd say "you beat me at this and this...but I can always beat you at air hockey." I let her win a few more times but she became more annoyingly cocky. I eventually snapped. We went on another date to play air hockey and it was a shut out. She didn't score a single time. I had the tremors come back, I lost the smile, I just won. It's not very fun to play this way. I need to figure out how to play hard and have fun. Maybe someday I'll learn how to strike that balance. I think I'm getting better.

Here is an anecdote from a even father back. I remember in 4th grade we used to play handball. I would practice all the time and I got really good. The way the game was played was you'd play until you were beat and then you'd go to the back of the line and wait till it was your turn again. I used to start playing at the beginning of recess and then play the whole recess cause no one could beat me. Of course, kids would get annoyed (and I was never a gracious winner) and eventually they'd make me lose. It was so frustrating. They did this through cheating cause the person at the end of the line was the judge of who won the game. After a while the line judge would say I'd lost even when I'd won. This drove me crazy. I was a pretty sincere kid and I couldn't understand lying yet.

Anyway, last night I did something similar playing racquetball. We played 8 games, I won all 8. Regardless of who was on my team. But I think I took the games too seriously because I sure got injured.

I was hit by the racquetball 5 times! I was hit by a racquet twice.

One of the hits was right in my chest. It hurt pretty bad. I have a huge mark on my chest. It looks like I got a hickey from Mick Jagger (disturbing mental image I know).

Here, this makes it even worse....



I would post pictures of my injury but I'm trying to keep this blog modest. Maybe I'll post a picture later....nah, probably not. Putting shirtless pics of oneself on one's blog is a line that once crossed....one can never go back (way too much "one" in that sentence). Well, just take me at my word, it's a funny looking mark.

Well, I think I'm done blogging for today. I hope you're all doing well.

Personal Revelation (sorry 1,398 words over limit)

Okay, so the topic for today is personal revelation. This is a topic that has always fascinated me.
I don't think I'm naturally very good at receiving personal revelation. I have had quite a few times in my life where I've had a decision come up and I've received revelation a lot slower than those around me. I'd often wonder why those around me received revelation so readily. I knew I was sincere, and that I was trying to do all the right things, but for me the heavens were closed (or to borrow from scriptural language "the heavens were as brass"). I'd often pray and just sit there in frustration as I got nothing and then I'd look around at those around me and despair at the ease in which they received direction from heaven. I felt like I was checked at customs and everyone else had a free pass for heavenly conversation.

There were times when I'd wonder if they were making up their experiences, or maybe I was just too closed off. I knew I wanted to know what God wanted, but I began to wonder if maybe I was only curious and maybe no ready to act on whatever God told me....so in a way God was protecting me by not telling me very much (the more ya know the more you're accountable for, if I didn't act on what I was given I'd be in a worse position than if given nothing).

Anyway, I went on this way for a long time. I never was very good at faith. About 3 days after my baptism I doubted the church (and when I say "the church" in this post I'll always be referring to the LDS faith). I remember that first time like it was yesterday. I was with my mom and we were visiting the Hansons (sp). They were a family in our ward. I was sitting on their grass in their front yard. They had a nice sloping front yard and across the street from it was a basketball court. There were some kids playing basketball, and I thought (still giddy with having been baptized just a few days before) "I should go tell those kids about Jesus Christ, most people don't seem to know much about him." And right after I thought that I had a doubt creep in. It was fast, and unexpected, and it really shook me. I thought "well, what if I"m all wrong, what if Jesus didn't live, what if my church is wrong." I realize that these are tough questions to answer when you just turned 8. I didn't have the skills necessary to answer them.

My first reaction was to feel guilty. I knew my parents had always told me those things were true. I felt like questioning these things was questioning their integrity. But, as I thought about it more I realized that they could be wrong and that would mean it wasn't a matter of them lying to me, it would just be them no knowing the answer either.

Regardless, this doubt felt horrible. I wanted to believe so bad, I wanted to have conviction, but I knew that my faith had a crack in it. From that day forward every time someone would bear their testimony I'd think things like "how does that person know?" I continued to go to church as if nothing had happened, but I felt at odds with faith. It was at this time that I got pretty depressed. It didn't really catch up with me till 2 years later, but this was when I started to not feel right about everything. I couldn't imagine any point to life without faith, and I felt like I was cut off from faith.

I've told people my problem before and they just told me I was a weird kid being so bothered by this at 8, but I don't think I was very abnormal (and if I was I don't think I should have been). I didn't want to lie to people and say I knew someting that I didn't. I didn't want to be a part of something that demanded so much if I didn't believe it. But, I was with my family, and my parents went to church, so I saw no real reason to walk from it. I figured I'd go through the motions and try to do the best I could, and I hoped that something would eventually come along to make me not doubt anymore.

I initially went through a bargaining phase with God. I would pray and say things like "if I read 2 chapters of scripture every night will you tell me this is all true in a month?" And then I'd read my scriptures like I promised and I'd wait. I'd never get anything.

I tried lots of things like that. I was really good at bargaining. I think God must have laughed at each new attempt in my nightly prayers (I'd bargain with other things...I made deals on what good things I'd do for heavenly aid in things ranging from basketball and hockey to math tests).

But in the end the bargaining never paid off. So, I lived a life that I felt was a bit of a lie, and it made me really sad. I became horrible depressed because I felt like my life was at odds with my beliefs. I guess I was a pretty somber kid when it came to subjects of eternal significance. In the end I began to think of revelation as something for other people, and something that I'd sorta pretend at, because I figured everyone else did and I also figured that there wasn't much harm in it...and it seemed to make everyone happy, and it certainly gave everyone a focus....a way to direct their lives.

I went on this way, feeling like a faker but feeling like I was no more of a faker than everyone else, until I was old enough to serve a mission. This was when I had to make some serious decisions. I had to decide whether it was right once and for all, because while I could lie to myself and not feel so bad, I didn't think I could honestly tell people I had answers that I really didn't.

So, that topic of personal revelation that I'd buried for so long I dug back up again. I prayed and prayed. I thought about it. I came up with arguments for why God had to exist. I talked with Garett and asked him how he knew. He gave me arguments for the existence of God too. But when you get down to it, there really isn't an argument that is satisfying to prove something like the existence of God.

The philosopher named Charles Peirce argued that there was what he called "the neglected argument." He basically argued that there is such a natural inclination, that our minds are so ready to cling to the idea of God, that there must be some merit to the idea. That's basically what I came up with too...I figured that I couldn't let the idea rest, and for that reason there must be some merit to the idea.

I decided that that was what I was going to act on, because my best judgment said there must be something to the idea of God and that I couldn't think of a better way of going about it than the church I was in. So, I started making decisions that would put me on a mission. I received the priesthood, I took missionary prep classes, I went to institute. But the thing that helped me most of all was getting the priesthood.

Right after I received the priesthood my friend Garett asked me for a blessing. He was always sick. He asked me for a priesthood blessing and I told him I probably shouldn't because I wasn't quite right with the whole thing. He asked if I was worthy to give him the blessing. I told him that in all things other than personal conviction I was worthy. He told me that I actually had a stronger testimony than I realized and he asked me to give him a blessing anyway.

I did and it was an amazing experience. It was the first time I'd ever really felt the spirit of God so strongly that I couldn't explain it away as something else. It took me completely by surprise. I wasn't expecting anything like that. I remember sitting down right after, feeling a little shaky, and thinking "don't forget this, you've been looking for something for a long time and now you've found it, don't let go of this, cause you'll need to remember what this feels like later when you begin to doubt again."

I learned then that the best way to find God was through helping other people, and that if I wanted revelation I'd get it most frequently when helping other people. This was certainly true on my mission. I spent ever day helping other people and that was one of the few periods in my life when I received consistent help from God. Every time I taught I felt like my thoughts were clearer than normal. It was a really amazing experience.

Anyway, I share this whole long story for two reasons. 1) to show that I'm no expert on this topic but it's one that is important to me and 2) to provide context for the revelation that I received about revelation (that is the main purpose of this post).

I feel like I've taken care of 1 now....but now I need to explain point 2. Here's how it happened.

I was on my mission and I was praying for some people we were teaching. I had had a lot of wonderful experiences on my mission at this point. I'd felt the spirit, I felt like I was really making progress in answering all those questions that plagued me my whole life. But one thing still bothered me. I wanted to know why I still struggled so much more than everyone else to get answers from God. It seemed like everyone around me on my mission was claiming one revelation or another and I never had anything like that. I had a calm assurance, I had a feeling of goodness, I felt right with myself and the world, but I never heard a voice, I never saw divine intervention. I just felt like I was performing better than I usually did, I felt like my thoughts were clearer...but they were still my thoughts.

It was at this moment that I had one of the clearest impressions of my life. This impression is one that has helped me out a lot over the years. And the impression (sorry for the sexist language, I wasn't careful about using man as the generic for person back then ). But anyway, the impression that came to me was this: a righteous man's reason is revelation.

That was the big kicker. For me at least this answered a lot of questions. I realize it's pretty obvious, but for me it was earth shaking. I thought back on my life. I thought about how my mission went, how I performed so much better than I usually did...that was God working through me. It was my thinking, it was my work, but God subtly augmented my efforts. As for the decisions of my life, I made those thinking them through, and they were good ones, and I'd call them revelation, because I wanted to serve God and he guided my thoughts for them to be good ones.

Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't step in and give direct revelation from time to time, but I've found that for me I've usually had the type I just mentioned. I've usually had to work through ideas, pray about them, and then make the best decision I could and hope that God would warn me if I was wrong. I've had a few times when God stepped in and circumvented my natural thinking, but those were rare times and it was only when I was about to make a big mistake and my thinking was off. But usually, God respects (at least with me) my decisions. I get to decide and he supports me.

Of course, I'm not claiming that everythign I think of is revelation. What I'm saying is that as I've tried to serve God to the best of my ability, my thoughts (especially when tryign to help others) have been clearer, my direction has been better, and looking back I can notice God's hand in my actions. So, from these things I've come to realize that personal revelation is often the best we can offer, and usually the best that we offer is what we offer when we are subtly led along by God.

This view sits well with me because it respects our agency. I think God wants us to learn how make decisions, not make our decisions for us. So many people ask God questions like "what should I do?" when I think they should really say "I've decided to do this, are you okay with that, and if not please let me know."

We are taught that we came here to make decisions, to grow and become more like God. It seems counterproductive for us to be sent here to make decisions and then for us to expect God to make all those decisions for us. How could we grow that way. The system has been set up with a savior to save us from our bad decisions...this is important because it allows us to make decisions...not defer them every time.

I see this being a real problem. Just a few days ago I was doing my home teaching. This girl I teach was in tears. I asked her what was wrong and it turned out that some guy broke up with her. This guy was an idiot. He didn't have the courage to say he didn't want to date her, so instead he said "I prayed about whether we should date and I didnt' get an answer so I figured it was wrong."

I told her that he was hiding behind God (yeah, I know a bit opinionated). I told her that God usually respects our choices as to who we date or want to be with...unless of course we're going to make a bad decision...then he steps in. But this guy was asking the wrong question. Rather than saying "should I date x?' he should have been praying " I really like x, I think about her all the time, I'd like to continue to date x. This is what I plan on doing, if this is wrong please let me know."

The decision was his. God wasn't going to date the girl, so God let him make the choice. God would just say "oh by the way, you said you want to, well, I can tell you now that won't end well." But he won't say "you must date this girl." In my experience he just doesn't work that way, he has given up way too much to ensure our freedom for him to circumvent it so easily.

Too many people hide behind revelation. They say "well, God told me that I should do this so I'm doing it even though I dont' want to." Now, there are times when this is the case, but in personal choices regarding how you'll live your life this is pretty rare.

We're here to learn how to make good choices, and we learn this through making good choices. Choices regarding who we marry, what we study, what we do for a living...these are things we need to decide. We should always be open to guidance from God, but these are ultimately our choices and onces we need to make. God can say if it's a bad idea, but only once you've got an idea.

This is why Joseph Smith prayed to God as he did. He didn't say "which church should I join." He said "I've thought this through, I have a preference for the methodist church, which church should I join." Joseph did the work, and then he got an answer.

The brother of Jared in The Book of Mormon did the same thing. He asked God for help, God said "how would you fix this problem?" The brother of Jared came up with an answer, and God helped him make it happen. God relied on him to make the choice, he just made it so his choice was a good one.

That's why that guy that was leading the girl I home teach on is such an idiot. He misunderstood all this. He should have said he didn't want to date her, but instead he said "God didn't tell me to date you so I can't." If he had said "I prayed about this and I thought about it and I don't think I should date you" that would have been a response deserving of respect, because it was his choice and he stood beside it. But to put it all on God...that's nonsense.

Looking back over my life I can see many places where God has guided my decisions. I rarely have had experiences that are unexplainable and supernatural. I usually just try to do the right thing, and I usually feel God's support as it is the right thing. Sometimes it's a bit scary because I realize I have so many decisions to make, but the one thing I can rely on is that if I'm making a really dumb decision God will help me avoid it.

Right now I'm trying to make some huge decisions. But I realize these are my decisions. I know whichever path I take, unless it's completely wrong, God will support me and help me along the way, but he will help me down the path of my choosing...not tell me the path to take.

I'm trying to decide what to do as a profession, I'm pretty sure both my options are good ones. I don't think God will say what to do either way. Of course I want to do what he would know would bring about the most good, but honestly it's my call. I recently had someone say "I think you'll be happy either way" (when thinking about how to plot my life) and they were right. I will be happy either way. I just gotta decide which I prefer and make sure God is okay with it.

I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses...like I'm trying to explain away amazing revelatory experiences. They do happen, but they're rare. What I think it's important to realize is that God works through us, not outside of us. As a kid I had had many wonderful experiences with God. His hand was definitely in my life, but I was too blind to see it because I was expecting a Moses like experience. I was expecting to see the hand of God directly, when I should have been looking more indirectly....at the effects of his hand. That's what I usually get. It's what I've come to expect.

And to be honest, I think this is the best way. I'm glad God trusts me to make decisions. I'm sure it would be much easier on him if he could just guide me through life so he wouldn't have to help me with so much damage control. It is a real vote of confidence that he trusts me to make deicions, he certainly paid the price so I could make decisions. So, I'll do my best to make good ones, and I'll always ask what he thinks is best, but when it comes down to it, I must admit, I've got a lot of choices to make, and that's as it should be.