Bishop/Goodbye

Well, I had my last interview with the bishop yesterday. It was nice talking with him. He's probably one of the best bishops I've ever had. All we really talked about was what was going to happen next and the state of things in the ward...oh, and he also apologized for taking so long to get me released.

That last part was a bit frustrating. A few weeks ago the bishop told me that I'd be released in one week, but three weeks have passed and I'm still going. I guess there was a problem talking with the stake presidency because a high councilman was released (if you're not Mormon none of that probably makes any sense...basically the person in charge of submitting the name for my replacement was replaced so there was a disconnect between the person who picks my replacement and the person who approves my replacement).

Our meeting yesterday was mostly an apology for taking so long to get me released and a bunch of reassurances that I can leave whenever I feel the need to.

I had planned to stick it out till my replacement arrived, but given that next week is stake conference (no regular meetings so they can't make the change) it will take 2 weeks...which means paying another month's rent.

My car is going to be ready to drive again tomorrow (supposedly). After the repair I should be set to leave anytime.

Speaking of meeting with my bishop, a few weeks ago we had a really bittersweet conversation (which I'll get to).

It's strange to think on leaving Provo. I've had a lot of great times here. A lot of great memories. I think the biggest downside is that I'm not leaving with a bang, but a whimper.

My years in Provo have been pretty eventful, with friends so close they were nearly family. Slowly but surely they've all moved on and it has been hard replacing them. I still have some wonderful friends here, but I'm beginning to feel like a relic; I'm beginning to feel like I missed my exit.

Just yesterday a girl I've known for about 4 years told me that she'd miss me and that I was the oldest friend she had in Provo (not in actual age...just time we've known each other..but that might be true too).

A few other people have said similar things. It's nice to now you'll be missed, but at the same time that's no excuse to stay in the same place and stagnate.

One thing that gave me pause was a talk I had with my bishop a week or so ago. He took me aside and said "I'm rarely this pushy, but since you're leaving I don't feel so bad....I want you to know there are some amazing girls in this ward that you should date."

He then pulled out his membership directory (it's a picture directory of every member) and pointed to each girl he thought would be a good match. What was funny was how nearly every girl he pointed to had her picture circled in blue highlighter. I asked him why and he said "Oh, they're all the girls I was thinking about calling as the next relief society president....I take relief society president selection quite seriously."

I patiently waited while he went through his list of eligible women. At the end he looked up, smiled, and said "I'm really sorry I ran out of daughters."

I really love my bishop. He's a good man and I know he really cares about me. When he offered me his hypothetical daughter's hand in marriage I felt great as I thought on how he trusts and cares for me....and this is when he sucker punched me. He said, "You know, getting married isn't as scary as you think."

This then lead to a long conversation on my singleness. You see, he figured that my singleness must be due to the fact that I'm afraid to get married, because on the surface he couldn't see any reason why I should be single when there are (and this I totally admit) wonderful women all around me.

You see, in a marriage driven culture where people see marriage as life's crowning achievement, a single person is a pitiable figure. People look at singleness as a defect rather than a circumstance. Even worse, if you're a likable enough person without any obvious and hideous flaws, people attribute your singleness to something dark resting below your surface. Well, that, or they decide you're not interested in marriage because you're too busy selfishly pursuing fun.

Well, regarding me, neither of those things are true. I don't have any dark secrets lurking below the surface. I am what I appear to be...and I am certainly not less than what I appear to be (in fact, in moments of self-love I think quite the opposite). And for the second problem (selfishly pursuing fun) that can't be true because I'm not any fun.

I don't think people believe me when I say this (my bishop didn't...but more on that later), but I think my singleness is a tribute to marriage rather than the avoidance of it. Marriage is something I find so important that I want to do it right. As a kid, I was always a bit of a romantic. I loved great love stories (I loved action and all that too..but I was also precociously infatuated with love stories).

Here's a little anecdote I'll submit as proof for that last remark:

When I was young my brother and I would sometimes spend the night at my Grannie's house. One time when we were staying with her we couldn't sleep so we decided to go through her movies. There weren't many to choose from and we eventually settled on her VHS copy of "Sleepless in Seattle." Now admittedly that is a very cheesy movie, and even as a young boy I was aware of this at some level (but my sensitivity to schmaltz wasn't fully developed yet). Anyway, later that night when the movie was over and I was finally ready to sleep, I remember saying my prayers, and in my prayers asking if I could find someone and be happy with them like the characters in that movie (I also told the Lord that if she looked as luminous (word from the VHS box) as Meg Ryan I would be cool with that too)).

Well, I held onto that romanticism through most of high school. I was always a bit old for my age and I could see that nearly every high school relationship was a cheap knock off of the real thing....so I waited.

I waited all the way up to my senior year...when I found a girl I thought would be perfect. Unfortunately, I was too young to act cool and fall in love with romantic comedy nonchalance. Instead, I wore my heart on my sleeve. Which, I guess, is a problem, because with such ready access to my heart it took very little effort for the girl to pluck the heart from my sleeve, throw it on the ground, and grind it under her heal...all the while saying I was the best guy she'd ever met.

A few months later she apologized in tears and asked if we could get back together, but by then it was too late. The damage was done. I knew I'd never trust her again and I told her as much.

You see, my problem is I want something permanent. So, while I can forgive nearly anything within a relationship, I can't look past anything that sets a limit on the relationship. That (the frailty of the relationship) scares me to death. I mean, what if one day the person you love decides they don't love you anymore? What can you do? Not much. What could leave you more powerless? The only thing you can do is make sure you never fall out of love with them. Sadly, this is no guarantee they'll work as dutifully to the same end.

In love you always entrust a portion of yourself to the other. This is a terrific leap of faith, but it makes one of the most rewarding experiences in life possible. Unfortunately, this rewarding experience comes with the terrible risk: that someday the person you love will return the portion of yourself you entrusted to them and say they don't want it anymore.

Does that scare anyone else as much as me? I hate pain and powerlessness and this seems to me to partake in the upper limit of both. Anyway, moving on...

So, I told her nothing would happen, but I don't think I ever got past how scared she made me...cause when we broke up things seemed perfect. One week she told me she loved me and the next she said we needed to break up, and I couldn't figure out what changed over the course of that week. She had liked me for 2 years so it just didn't fit. Such fickleness freaked me out.

In fact, I was so freaked out by this that I don't think I've entered into a relationship naturally ever since. Since then I've scanned every possible relationship for cracks that might lead to a possible break. I decided to be very careful and not be caught by surprise again.

The problem with this approach is that if you look hard enough at just about anything, and you have any degree of imagination or critical thinking, you'll find cracks. The leap of faith necessary to get into a serious relationship requires that you look past the cracks in the hope that the cracks won't travel, weaken the structure, or cause a break before the two of you can do something about them.

My problem is that I just can't make that initial leap unless I've had some time, and few girls are patient enough to give me that time....and if they are patient enough for a bumbling person like me, they've probably got their own issues (cause what desirable girl in her right mind would wait for me while other guys are throwing themselves at her). It should be a no brainer. On the one hand she's got me overthinking and bumbling, on the other she's got some guy saying how amazing she is. Done deal.

Okay, so nearly all of the stuff I just wrote came to the surface in one way or another as the bishop and I talked. I think I explained my situation to him relatively well. In fact, I was feeling sorta proud of my explanation because it was a very subtle excuse wrapped in a self-compliment. You know, sorta like when someone's asked about their greatest weakness in a job interview and they respond "My greatest weakness? I think it's that I care too much."

Well, similarly, my long and convoluted answer when boiled down to its basics went something like, "I'm not married because I value marriage too much."

A lesser man would have left me alone and said something like "Wow, you've obviously thought this through. So, you're actually single because of how much you value marriage. So you're not afraid to get married? You just want to marry the right person. Well good luck to you, my prayers are with you.

But, my bishop isn't a lesser man. He saw through a lot of the B.S. and said (paraphrased) "Well, you say you're not afraid of commitment, but you also say you're afraid to marry the wrong person, but you wouldn't be afraid to marry the wrong person if that wasn't a large commitment. I'll give you that you're not afraid of losing freedom and a lot of the other excuses guys use to avoid commitment, but you're still afraid of commitment."

I stepped back and realized he was right. The label "fear of commitment" did apply to me...just in a non-traditional sense.

Frankly, I'm scared to death to marry the wrong person. I've seen it done too often. I don't think I could handle a divorce, or even worse, a marriage that goes beyond the point of divorce.

So I've been waiting. Hoping for some sort of conviction, some sort of certainty similar to what others have described experiencing before marriage. But, I'm beginning to think that I'm not the sort to ever feel that kind of certainty.

Overall I think I had a very useful conversation with my bishop. If I was going to stay around longer I'd probably do things differently. I'll have to think on the discussion some more. Writing it all out here was helpful for distilling, but there are connections I still need to make.

Anyway, enough on that.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my time here in Provo.

Academically I did a great job.

Serving in my church and my community I did a great job.

Dating, while I worked really hard at it, I did a horrible job. I met and dated some wonderful girls, but I probably missed something along the way while waiting for the blind certainty my disposition will never afford me.

I'm grateful for the time I've had in Provo. For all the friends, the laughs, and the opportunities.

Five years ago when I came to Provo I had two major motivations. The first was I wanted to study secular and religious things where one didn't trump the other. I wanted an environment where secular ideas would clarify religious insight, and religious insight would give purpose to secular ideas. I think I've experienced this.

The second thing I wanted was the chance to find a nice girl and start a family. Well, as this post has made abundantly clear, I haven't done that yet, but I have met a lot of wonderful girls. And among all those wonderful girls I think I've experienced, if only briefly, a glimpse of what it will be like when I'm lucky enough to find someone to share my life with, and at least a little hope that such a possibility exists.

Well, this post has becoming overly long, sentimental, and rambly (yes, that's a word now) so I'm going to end it. I don't know if I'll be in Provo for another week, or two, but if you're reading this and you live in Provo, I'm sure I'd love to see you before I leave. Just give me a call.

For everyone else in California...I'll see you soon. I can't wait to be near home.

Sunday Morning

Well, yesterday didn't go so well.

It all started bad when I had to wake up really early to go to PEC (it's a very early church meeting).

When I woke up for the meeting it was snowing pretty heavily. I drove to the meeting at what I thought was a safe speed (about 10 under the speed limit)...but I didn't account for my drowsiness and how that lowered my safest driving speed.

My problem occurred when I remembered (too late) that where I wanted to turn right there is a island that separates traffic between those that want to continue straight and those who want to turn right into the BYU parking lot.

Unfortunately, that little island is in the dead center of the right lane and you need to veer left to go straight or right to turn right, and unfortunately again, with the snow and my sleepy state, I was unable to do either.

I drifted into the island and my left front tire struck the curb at a 45 degree angle. This caused the tire to bend inward and (probably) break the axle.

This is the first time I've ever had an accident where I was at fault. I don't like the feeling. It might even be worse that I hit a fixed object and not a moving car. Hitting a fixed object just makes you sound stupid. It's not like you can complain that the concrete divide jumped at you out of nowhere.

After I hit the curb my car wasn't drivable. When I tried to give the car a little gas it made an angry sound. At first I wondered if it was because I was in so much snow, but looking at my left wheel made it clear my problems were greater than the weather.

What was really cool about all this (if anything is cool about all this) was how everyone around me was so helpful. If you're ever going to have troubles with your car....have them Sunday morning in Provo.

The moment I turned on my hazard lights there were about 5 bright eyed Mormon guys (all on their way to PEC too no doubt) ready to help. Provo is the good Samaritan capital of the world.

I was in a good place, cause not only were these people super helpful Mormon folk, they were super helpful Mormon folk on their way to a leadership meeting. Put simply, in a group famous for being helpful, these were the most helpful.

The first guy had a 4x4 with a chain. He got out of his car in the snow, pulled out his chain, got on his hands and knees in a suit, found a sturdy part of my car frame, and went to town. 4 other guys got out of their cars (also in suits) and helped me push the car along while the first guy dragged it behind his car.

My poor car didn't like the abuse, as we drove the front tire didn't even turn, but luckily the slick weather that caused the problem in the first place was now helpful and we were able to slide the car to a parking spot.

When we were done they all commiserated with me, offered me the best, and then shook my hand (and much to my embarrassment my hands were still clean but guy-with-the-chain's hands were covered in oil...that should have been me).

I went to the church meeting only slightly late. People could tell I'd been out in the snow for longer than the walk from my car and they asked why I was so wet. I explained I had an accident, everyone sorta nodded and the meeting went forward.

Oh well.

I was expecting to be released from my calling yesterday, but I guess that will have to wait. I carried out my usual duties while also dealing with calls to the insurance company (they were surprisingly helpful).

My car is now in an officially sanctioned insurance company repair facility. I'll probably hear an estimate of some sort today (if they're even open it being President's Day).

The timing really couldn't have been worse. I was going to drive to CA in a few weeks, but I'll have to take care of all this first. Hopefully it's not a great ordeal.

What was funny about the accident was how much it shook me up. Right after it happened I was sort of in shock. Someone told me that after I left the meeting the bishop (who came to the meeting late) asked around why I seemed so downtrodden and beaten up; I guess I wasn't as composed as I'd thought.

After the meeting I was still a lot earlier than everybody else so I started setting up the sacrament table for church. This was when I noticed that my hands had the shakes from the accident. After I got all the little cups in place on the tray my shaky hands knocked them all back out. It was very frustrating.

This was when I realized this was one of those days when it would have been better to stay in bed.

After I finally finished with the water cup trays I grabbed the bread trays. As usual, I tried to carry all four at once, but once again with my shaky hands I ended up dropping half of them when I moved. Luckily, when I dropped the trays the room that was empty when I'd begun was now full and I had plenty of spectators to witness my clumsiness.

I don't know why, but a lot of people find it humorous when I struggle. In most circumstances it's true that when someone falls and you don't know them personally it's funny, but if you do know them you have mixed feelings....both pity and a little laughter (cause hey falling is always a little funny).

Well, when I make a mistake I don't know why, but I don't seem to inspire much division in my friends. They are often excited to see me make a mistake. They usually laugh first and ask questions later.

This morning was no exception. As I dropped the trays a friend pointed her finger and laughed at me as I struggled to pick them up. Later, she confided that she enjoys watching me struggle...no matter what the endeavor: if I'm struggling it's amusing.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad after that. The speakers in church were quite good. The insurance company was helpful.

Hopefully the repair of the car won't be too expensive, difficult, or slow.

Well, that's my story for yesterday. Hope everyone else had a better day.

Valentine's Day

Well, it's coming up. Lucky us.

It's that special time of the year when lonely people reflect on their loneliness while couples parade around in smug complacency.

Or, if you're coming from the other side, it's that special time of the year when single people enjoy the thrill of freedom and possibility while couples despondently hide away in their sad routines remembering brighter days, back when their relationships were vibrant and new.

(You see what I did there? I took the glass is half-empty sorts from the single life, and I took the glass if half empty sorts from the couple life, and then I combined them to form a full glass of cynicism)

But I kid. It's actually not a bad time of the year.

Relationships deserve a holiday. I know it's fun to make fun of all the pomp of Valentine's Day, but the holiday does serve a purpose. It's important to pause and remember the relationships that are important to us. Especially when you consider that the people that mean the most are usually the most neglected. Often, they are so integral to our lives they become as commonplace as furniture.

So, it's good that there is a holiday (even if it's an overly marketed and guilt-ridden holiday) that asks us to put a little extra love and attention into the people that are so essential they go unnoticed.

Also, if you even for a second thing it's a lame holiday you gotta remember St. Valentine. That guy was awesome. He was a roman priest who would marry two Christians when this was against the law. The emperor (Claudius I think) had Valentine arrested for this, and rather than apologizing and saying, "Christian what? Where?" he tried to CONVERT the emperor!

In addition to being courageous bordering on reckless, he also worked a few miracles. You're no doubt aware of the tradition of valentine notes. Well, this tradition supposedly dates back to the night when Valentine, who was in prison, healed the blindness of his jailer's daughter. When he was moved from the prison he wrote the girl a kind note signed, "Your Valentine."

Of course, saints are usually martyrs and, sadly, Valentine is no exception. Earlier I mentioned that he tried to convert the emperor...well, that didn't go down so well and the emperor ordered his death. At first they ineffectually stoned him, but when that didn't work they decapitated him.

So, think about it, we got a guy healing people, winning and wedding hearts, too tough to die by stoning, and who is ultimately decapitated. This guy was a rock star.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is this: Valentine's day is important and should be celebrated. If you want to celebrate his day historically, your best bet is to find the person you love, give them a kind note expressing your affection, and then cuddle up and watch Highlander together (for the uninitiated, Highlander is a movie where a lot of heads get chopped off St. Valentine style).

If you want to celebrate the holiday unhistorically you could eat chocolate, watch the latest romcom, and stare into each other's eyes.

Whatever floats your boat.

Super Bowl

This morning I read something online about some controversy over a Doritos Super Bowl advertisement.

When I saw this story I realized that I hadn't watched a second of the super bowl, and consequently, I hadn't seen a single Super Bowl commercial (something I usually enjoy). So I decided to watch the highlights of the game (and by the highlights I mean the commercials).

My problem was that when I clicked on the link to watch super bowl advertisements, the video popped up with an advertisement and a header that read, "Advertisement for 30 seconds, your video will begin shortly."

I immediately closed the window once I realized what was happening: I was trying to watch an advertisement online, but before my advertisement would load, I had to watch an advertisement.

I just couldn't do it. That's too much. Advertisers advertising on advertisements? Meta-advertising?

Anyway, I thought it was pretty funny, probably more funny than a lot of the commercials from the complaints I've heard.

It's hard to match advertisers for shameless exploitation...but now I know there's one level deeper: advertisement advertisers.

Anyway, hope you all have a great day.