Some Thoughts

Today as I was perusing Facebook I saw that a girl who used to like me is now engaged. It's kind of weird, not even a year ago she told me how she felt about me, and now she's getting married. If the pictures are any indication she seems happy.

Anyway, this got me to thinking. I tried to figure out why I didn't want to date her. She was pretty and smart, she had a good sense of humor (she at least laughed at the appropriate times). Really, if I was to write out a list of the qualities I'm looking for she had most of them. But something was off.

Now that I've given it some thought, I think the reason why I didn't want to keep dating her was that it was too easy. And I feel bad for saying that. It makes me sound very fickle. But I think the reason I didn't like her was she liked me and I didn't have to do anything at all.

The first time I met her was at a game night. She was having games over at her place and she went around the apartment complex inviting people to come over. She knocked on my door and I remember thinking "wow, she's pretty." So, two of my roommates and I headed over.

I put myself on my best behavior and made sure that I was funny and all that, I had her laughing pretty quick. I started going over to her apartment just to talk, and after a while, she just opened up and said how she felt. The moment she did I remember thinking, "well, I guess that's over." It was amazing that as soon as she opened up like that, I didn't really care anymore.

My question is, why is that? I know similar things happen with girls. I have found no faster way of chasing off a girl than to to honestly express my feelings for her*(see footnote 1). I think the problem is we expect to put in a lot of effort for things that are worthwhile. When it's too easy to be with someone we don't care anymore. This is especially problematic for pretty girls, so I call it "the pretty girl problem."

The Pretty Girl Problem Explained:

Basically, the "pretty girl problem" is meant to explain why when someone likes you too easily you don't like them back. It's like this. When you're attractive, although a lot of people want to date you, you don't want to date any of them. Simple economics: if supply is high, value goes down. This is why many people hear pretty girls annoyingly say "there aren't any good guys to date." Well, there are plenty of good guys, the problem is that pretty girls don't feel anything for these nice guys cause they've never invested themselves in a relationship.

Here is another way of looking at it:

There are two principles at play here. 1) we value what we work for 2) people naturally do as little work as possible.

So, since guys will work very hard to be with a pretty girl, they're willing to put forth all the effort necessary for the relationship. The result is that the girl does very little (principle 2). And since the girl does very little, she doesn't value the guy (principle 1). This of course results in her complaining about not liking any of the guys that ask her out...and the cycle continues ad nauseum.

In some ways being very attractive is like being really smart. A certain amount is good, too much is debilitating. With intelligence, it's good to be in the 120 to 130 IQ range. If you are, you're smarter than nearly everyone you meet, you can do anything you want with your life (intelligence will never be your weakness), and you're relatively stable. Beyond this point, as you get smarter, you get less stable, and you start having difficulty interacting with others. So, while it seems like the smarter you get the better off you'll be, beyond a certain point intelligence is a liability. Similarly, as far as appearances and relationships go, it seems like average to above average looking people find romantic happiness fastest. It's the really ugly people and the really attractive people who struggle--beautiful people because of the reasons mentioned earlier, and ugly people cause no one wants to date them.

Figure 1a. What a beautiful person might look like




Figure 1b. What an ugly person might look like (Yoko!!!!).

But that was a bit of a tangent. My main point was this girl liked me too much and too easily, so I didn't feel anything for her...she awkwardly put me in the "pretty girl problem."

The kicker is how do we ever get excited about someone if them liking us too much is a turn off? I think the answer to this is that the relationship has to progress naturally. You both need to open up at a steady pace, not too fast so that you're taken for granted, and not so slowly that one of you loses interest.

It seems to me that intimacy should be earned, that gives it value. When you spend time with someone and you see them warming to you, and when they start to share things with you, and trust you, you feel great. You feel like you deserve what they're sharing with you...you feel like you're working for something and it's paying off (and once again, this makes you appreciate it.)

I think this might be why it's hard to change a friendship to a romantic relationship. When we try to do that, there isn't the initial excitement of a new relationship cause we already know so much about the other person. There isn't a sense of discovery. It's not like there will be the thrill of earning trust. In many ways you're already there-- you're like people who have been together for a while. So, upgrading friendship usually doesn't have the initial mystery or passion of spontaneous relationships. There is of course the excitement when you take the risk and let them know how you feel, but this provides only a short window of opportunity. In many ways upgrading friendship is like trying to make an existing fire burn hotter...you can only do this by finding new materials (new aspects of your relationship) to burn...and the corollary is that when you're trying to convert passion into a more lasting friendship it's like having a hot (but fast) burning fire (you know-- the kind that starts easy but doesn't last very long (usually newspaper and dried grass))...so you scramble for slower burning materials (friendship) to keep the fire going* (footnote 2).

Summed up, when a relationship begins as a romantic one there is excitement. People pursue these relationships in the hopes that it will end up as something more stable, something more secure and lasting. The flip side is that when a relationship begins as friendship and turns romantic, the romance has to be found outside of the process of discovery. This makes things take longer...but at least you know what you're getting into, at least you know you'll get along.


Once again, coming back from that tangent, I guess it's just frustrating cause I've found that nearly every time a girl has really liked me I haven't cared for her. And it seems like the criterion for me liking a girl is that she's unavailable...there's the chase--the mystery. I think that's the problem, it's a lot more fun to chase than to catch. Cause once you catch something you gotta decide if you even want it.

Anyway, those are the thoughts that went through my head today. I wish this wasn't so complicated. I guess maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. I'll just flatter myself and say I make things complicated cause I'm on the side of the the intelligence scale where my brain is a liability :)...yeah, I can handle that explanation.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!

Appendix A:

I just read this post to my roommate John. He's a wise psychology major and so this post's theme better fits his discipline (philosophy is a very lonely guy's club). This is what he said... paraphrased:

I agree with you, but I think part of the reason that people don't want to be with someone who likes them too much is that when something is a sure thing its kinda scary. When people just meet each other they can feel the chemistry and all that and say "the stars are aligning and this is working," but if things don't work out they can just walk away and say "it wasn't meant to be." When you know someone likes you, you can't say "well, I guess there wasn't anything between us" because you know they felt something. So you know things didn't work out because you didn't want them to work out--the responsibility falls squarely on your shoulders.

John's second point was that when you know someone is really into you, and they're showing more interest than you feel, you know that if you open up to them, things will progress faster than you're ready for because they're already a few steps ahead of you in their desire for a relationship.

Point 1...I respond saying just give it a shot, if it doesn't work out you can still say it wasn't meant to be. We're talking about boyfriend and girlfriend...not marriage. Dating is like the clinical trials pharmaceutical companies go through before a drug comes out (I bet you can feel a horrible simile on it's way :). Clinical trials go in stages. There is phase 1 where they use animals to see if there is anything there...to see if the medication can bring about a change. This is a very non-threatening part where there is minimal risk, but you can learn about the medication you got. This is of course like dating at the beginning stages...no risk, you don't learn all that much, but you see if anything between you works. Phase 2 in clinical trials is when they start testing the medication on humans. They now want to see if they can reproduce those results..and they want to see if the medication is safe. This is when you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Now you want to see if things work between you when you're more committed to finding out what's between you (it's not just minimal risk now, now a person can get hurt). And phase 3 trials is when you try to see if the drug is marketable (financial questions), you try to test to see if it will profit from future trials (will the couple continue to grow) you try to see if it will work well for a long period of time (staying power in the relationship). So phase 3 trials are like getting engaged. This is your last chance to test the efficacy of the drug (relationship) before you take it to market (marriage). Taking a drug to market is very expensive and time consuming. And once you do there is no turning back...cause no one wants a drug recall (divorce)--those are so embarrassing...and there might be a class action suit brought against you (alimony).

(yeah, I just compared dating, a committed relationship, engagement, and marriage to drug clinical trials (and I'm not taking it back). Next time any of you want to date someone seriously tell them you're ready to progress to phase 2 clinical trials...they'll love you forever :)

Point 2...if they're more into you, the principle of someone liking you still applies. If you begin to return their feelings they will eventually start to like you less...just the way the game works. So, one way of making them put on the brakes is for you to hit the accelerator.

Anyway, that's what my friend's engagement got me thinking about. This was the fourth time in about 4 years where a girl has liked me, I've lost interest, I've called things off, and then she got married within a year...I needed to figure out why...what I have presented here is the best solution I could come up with...so, my answer is I'm falling into "the pretty girl problem." I don't like the way that sounds but I'm done writing...I need to head to bed.

Footnotes *

1) small side theory here: it's best to just show her how you feel-- hold hands etc.--rather than to honestly express your feelings. I'm the opposite, I say how I feel first and then I suit my actions to my words...my way is too direct/honest, and certainly not very romantic. Girls seem to like things that happen spontaneously...even magically. So try to do that if you can. I would if I could, I' just can't cause I'm not wired that way, I gotta say how I feel or I feel dishonest.

2) this comparison reminds me of a famous quotation: "love is friendship set on fire"-- Jeremy Taylor.

Penguins

I saw this online today and it really made me laugh. It's obviously fake, but in a better world it would be real. And hey, even without the slap on the back, a penguin bellyflopping like that is still the bee's knees.

Slang

I love old slang. I think it's hilarious, and I expect that someday I'll have kids who will make fun of all the slang that I use...all those words that I think are leet, uber, awesome, and cool.

Here is some slang from a few different decades that I found quite entertaining. I hope we can bring some of these words/phrases back, cause they're the bee's knees.

1920s

All Wet - describes an erroneous idea or individual

Bank's Closed - no kissing or making out

Bearcat - a hot-blooded or fiery girl

Bee's Knees - An extraordinary person, thing, idea; the ultimate

Berries - That which is attractive or pleasing; similar to bee's knees

Big six - a strong man (from auto advertising, relates to the new (at the time) six cylinder engines)

Butt me - I'll take a cigarette

Cat's Pajamas- Something splendid or stylish; similar to the bee’s knees.

Chassis – The female body

Check – Kiss me later

Daddy - A young woman’s boyfriend or lover, especially if he’s rich.

Dame - A female

Dolled up – dressed up

Don’t take any wooden nickels - Don’t do anything stupid.

Flat Tire - A dull witted insipid, disappointing date.

Flapper - A stylish, brash, hedonistic young woman with short skirts and shorter hair.

Giggle water - alcohol.

Handcuff - engagement ring

Nifty - great excellent

Piker - A cheapskate

Struggle Buggy - the backseat of a car…well, you get it.

1930s
Behind the 8 ball - you’re in trouble
Chintzy - Cheap

Dibs - a claim for something.

Ginchy - sexy…she’s the ginchiest girl I’ve ever seen.

Go steady - to date only one person

Hep cat - a cool jazz lover

Malarkey - nonsense

Minxy - alluring seductive..she’s a total minxy

Monday morning quarterback - someone who gives advice when it’s too late.

Scag – an ugly female.

Nelly – a male homosexual

1940s

g-man – FBI agent.

Greenback – a dollar

Honey - an attractive female

Jive – to make sense.

1950s

Armpit - undesirable place.

Beefcake – a well proportioned male

Classy chassis: nice female figure.

Made in the shade - success guaranteed

Make out - Yeah this started to mean kiss and all that in the 50s

Mickey Mouse – Easy simple

On cloud seven - really happy

Rack out - to fall asleep

Snafu - a mistake


1960s

Alligator: a guy with a swagger, confidence…good with the ladies

Homework: to make out.

Cherry - something excellent

Dipstick - a stupid person

Gig – a job

Idiot box – a TV set.

Cloud nine – really happy.


Here is a sample paragraph that I hope will demonstrate how badly we need to bring back old slang into regular discourse. In this story, the old slang is in quotation marks.

So, I met this "dame", a real "flapper", and I said to myself, she's" nifty." Now I didn't want to "take any wooden nickels," but I knew I'd be a "nelly" if I didn't take this "ginchy" girl out. Please keep in mind I don't have many "greenbacks" ...I'm kinda "chintzy" if you know what I mean, but this girl was the "cat's pajamas" a real "bearcat", and I"m sort of a "big six" myself so I figured, why not?

Anyhoo (might be old slang..not sure), I took my little "honey" out in my "cherry" car. I figured that an "alligator" like me would have her doing "homework" in the "struggle buggy" in no time. But then I hit a "snafu" and I told her that her friend was a "scag." So, while I started the date on "cloud nine", by the end of the night I was "behind the eight ball." I'm such a "dipstick."

But, things ended up okay. As I dropepd her off she said "check" and smiled at me. Man, that girl is the "berries." I think I"m gonna ask that "minxy" little fox to "go steady."

****

Yeah, that's right. You don't need to say it...that's the most awesome story you've ever read.

p.s. Today is National Pharmacy Technician's Day. If you're not chintzy you'll send me something.

p.p.s. Something cool happened today. This morning I found out I got an A- on a paper. I read the professor's criticism and I told him that he either didn't understand the argument or he misunderstood the vocabulary. It turned out he didn't understand the vocabulary...so I helped him out. Now he's got a bigger vocabulary, and I got an A...I'm on cloud 9.

p.p.p.s. I think I should get extra credit for talking a rhetoric professor into improving my grade.

p.p.p.p.s. Did you notice that in the 50s it was cloud 7, but in the 60s it was could 9? I think we're due for cloud 10.

Ugly Ties

Today I came up with the ugly tie theory...and I thought of something else too, but I'm gonna start with the ugly tie theory.

The ugly tie theory goes like this:

An ugly tie for men is like short hair for women.

Now for the explanation. You see, I have a really ugly tie, and it is really, really, ugly. Here is a picture of me wearing it to church today...


Figure 1a. Debonair look featuring ugly tie.

As you can see, it's a bunch of flowers that look like they belong on a circa 70s couch cascading around in a shade of blue that wants so badly to be purple...but it's afraid to come out of the closet.

Anyway, I wore this tie to church today and about 5 people noticed it. 3 were girls, 2 were guys. The first girl knew me from my last ward and she said "oh wow, you brought that ugly tie back out."

The second girl noticed the ugly tie when she was talking to me. As we spoke, her gaze kept on drifting down to my ugly tie. She'd make eye contact, and then the power of the ugliness would draw her gaze back down...this happened three times-- I eventually said it for her "Yeah, I know it's ugly." She sorta laughed and said something like "I was afraid to say it, but yeah, it's really ugly." I was really impressed by my tie at this point. I knew it was ugly but I didn't know it was hypnotizingly ugly.

The third girl sat next to me in Sunday school. She reached over, grabbed my tie, and said "wow, that is one ugly tie" then she introduced herself (I guess I went on a date with her roommate a few months ago so she felt comfortable being that forward).

So, basically girls notice how ugly it is and they don't like it, they probably think it's stupid to wear such an ugly tie...they mostly make fun of the poor thing.

The interesting thing is guy's reactions. Guys love ugly ties. I had two guys say "hey bro, nice tie." Now, I am under no illusions that this is actually a good looking tie. What is interesting is, guys appreciate the uniqueness of an ugly tie. They wear them all the time and nice ties become monotonous...so when they see a really ugly tie, a tie that is so ugly it's almost beautiful, they compliment it.

Now back to my theory.

Have you ever noticed that if a girl asks a guy if she should cut her hair the answer is almost always "no." Honestly, girls just look better with long hair. No guy ever says a woman should cut her hair unless he feels like that's what she wants to hear. Most girls reserve cutting their hair short for life changing moments, like right after they get married, or right after they had a kid, or right after college. It's kind of like a way of taking on a new persona or something to correspond with the other changes in their life (not that I'm an expert on this or anything). Also in the case of having a kid, it's probably a matter of utility.

But when a woman cuts her hair, all her girl friends say "wow, that looks so cute." Or "I just love you with short hair." Part of me thinks that girls might say this because they figure that that girl is now less attractive and not as much of a threat when it comes to catching guys (but what do I know). I just have noticed that girls compliment other girls when they cut their hair short, but men don't like it.

And the corollary is that men compliment other men who wear ugly ties, but women don't like it.

I think the reason for men wearing ugly ties is it breaks the monotony of a good looking tie, sometimes you just want a change. Maybe girls do the same thing...they just get tired of their hair looking the same way so they destroy...err, cut it.

Anyway, that's all I got. Have a great Sunday.

Flowers

Let's see...what's going on in my life. Well, yesterday something sort of funny happened. I sat down in a class and a guy had a bunch of flowers in his hand. I'm sure they were for some special girl (he seemed kind of jittery and excited (I think homecoming dance is this week so that's probably what they're for)). But, instead of the obvious interpretation, I decided to have a little fun with him. I sat down next to him and our conversation went something like this:

me: Wow, that's so sweet! Some girl gave you flowers! I bet you feel wonderful, those roses smell just delightful by the way! I think it's great that a girl gave you flowers; it's so empowering for both genders when girls show initiative like that. I bet you really feel validated...are your friends jealous? I bet they are! Good for you!

The guy looked at me like I was crazy, but he didn't say anything (he didn't realize I was joking). At the end of class I let him know I was just playing with him (after he sat there in class wondering if I was crazy for about 50 minutes). He looked really relieved and then he said "Good to know you were joking, I thought you were really really dumb."

I'm not sure why I found that so funny.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well.

p.s. if you want a fun game, try going back a few posts to the one about Mr. Chill. Try to come up with creative ways of describing how evil he is. Tim, I'm expecting great things from you.

10,000 Days Old!!!

Hey Everyone,

Today I'm 10,000 days old. It's kind of a big day for me. I've been working for this day my whole life. Some people told me I'd never make it, but I took it a day at a time and look where I'm at now. So, to all you naysayers out there who said I'd never make it, well, to you I gotta say....I made it

(I need to think of a better response).

Anyway, you're probably all wondering what I've done/what I'm going to do to celebrate my 10,000th day alive. Well, I'm glad you asked. This is how my big day has gone thus far:

I woke up at 5:45 so I could write a paper about Aristotle's Rhetoric and Poetics. I barely finished my paper before the class I was writing it for was over. I ran into the class and put it on the teacher's desk, took my seat, and then waited about 4 minutes for class to end. I think he might be catching on that I don't take his class very seriously.

After the class I went home and changed the strings on my guitar so I could do a little guitar show in Payson. Once I finished changing the stings I packed up my guitars and my amp and started the drive.

When I arrived at Payson I realized two things...first, the place smells horrible. Second, I realized I hadn't had a chance to eat anything yet. I really hate playing the guitar when I haven't eaten anything cause my hand gets a slight tremor.

But it was too late to eat anything so I just went into the classroom and I hoped that the kids wouldn't notice all the mistakes I'd inevitably make with shaky hands.

When I got into the class I was shocked. I don't know if I've ever seen so much energy. The classroom had about 30 chairs but only about 10 kids were using them (and they were the really quiet kids, the ones that stare at the floor all day (but they have level 80 characters on Wold of Warcraft so their priorities are in order)). The rest of the kids were either standing on their chairs or leaning against them. The teacher had Metallica playing over the radio (I wish I had a class like that in middle school) and there was one sort of chubby kid at the head of the classroom just getting down...doing some white man's form of break dancing. That kid could actually dance pretty well.

I sat through the beginning of the class as they all talked about what a guitar was, how many strings it has...why guitars are different from ukuleles etc. As I was waiting I took a look at my amp and noticed that I hadn't brought a power cable for my effects processor. That was a problem cause it meant I only had a clean channel to play on, and these kids weren't into acoustic stuff....they wanted to hear me shred and play Dragon Force 2 billion (is that the name) sorta stuff. They wanted tapping and distortion. What they didn't want was to see me get up there and finger pick some pretty classical song. So, I was off to a bad start.

But things picked up soon. After a few songs they all got really excited and then their hands shot up. Just about every kid there had a song request. It went something like this:

kid: can you play Linkin Park

me: why would I want to?

kid 2: can you play 3 Doors Down?

me: I can, but I'm embarrassed to admit that.

kid 3: can you play any Metallica

me: bless you child (play Metallica).

kid 4: can you play any Beatles songs?

me: Yes as a matter of fact I can...name one.

Kid 4: Octopus's Garden?

me: really of all the Beatles songs...that one?

Kid 5: Can you play any Green Day?

me: of course, everyone can, it's the law...

Kid 6: Do you know any Bon Jovi

me: Bon Jovi? Sorry, I don't play chick rock...how about I just play some songs for you guys and we can do requests at the end....

*****

Throughout all off this I am being peppered by other questions.

I was asked:

1) How did you meet Ms. McCune?
2) Are you and Ms. McCune in love?
3) Are you and Ms. McCune dating?
4) Are you and Ms. McCune brother and sister?
5) Are you Ms. McCune's boyfriend...do you want to be?
6) Are you not allowed to date Ms. McCune because she's a teacher and they can't date people?
7) How come you're wearing a wedding ring? Are you married? (CTR ring...they couldn't tell it was my right hand).

And of course none of the kids paid attention to my and Rachel's responses so the questions kept on repeating.

side note: I was really surprised by how many kids requested AC/DC.

So, it was pretty interesting. I don't think I could handle that kind of job--those kids had too much energy. It was funny for a little while, but if I had to stay there for any length of time I would end my life.

But I still had a good time. It was like I was the fun uncle or grandpa. I came for a short visit, got all the kids excited and riled up...just bouncing off the walls...and then I got to leave and avoid the aftermath.

Oh, and the best part of the whole trip was the intercom--it would not shut up. Every 10 minutes some lady would share another message, and they were usually pretty funny. The best one went like this:

Attention! Attention! Please, we cannot have any more students spraying themselves with perfume or cologne in the hallways. We are sorry if you smell bad and if you are embarrassed by how bad you smell, but please try to smell nice in some other way, perhaps by bathing every day. Too many of you are spraying perfumes in the hallway and it is making it hard for everyone else to breathe.


All the kids took that message without even laughing...as for me, I could barely contain myself. I looked at "Ms. McCune" and Rachel was cracking up too.

Anyway, that's the first half of day 10,000. I'll let you know how the rest of it goes later.

p.s. in some countries, when someone is 10,000 days old, that person's friends and loved one send them 100,000 pennies (or a 100 dollar bill) to commemorate the occasion. Just an idea...

p.p.s. I don't know which countries do that, but I'm sure some country somewhere does that, and I think it's a good idea!

Stuff--With Multimedia!!

Hey Everyone,

Here are some pictures and some stories to go along with those pictures. Hope you enjoy.




Right there above the stove and to the left of the electrical outlet is a bullet hole filled in with toothpaste. I have a roommate who loves guns. He has a concealed weapons permit and he has not left the house once without being armed. He was cleaning his gun the second or third day he was here and the gun went off. It shot from his room through the wall making the hole you see there. The bullet then went into the ceiling...hopefully our roof is still waterproof.

This guy is really special. He keeps trying to set me up with one of his friends. Last night he tried to get me to come along with him to the hot springs so I could meet her. I took a nap instead and I do not regret my decision.



This is a pumpkin I carved last Friday. His name is Mr. Chill and he's pretty scary . He is drinking a Coke because he's rebellious and he doesn't even care about caffeine consumption. Mr. Chill doesn't play by anyone else's rules. If there's one thing I can tell you about Mr. Chill, it's this: don't cross him.

Pro Tip: Pumpkin carving is really hard when you make the opening on top too small to put your hand in. Not that I did that...



This is a picture of someone who crossed Mr. Chill by hitting him in the head with a cleaver. As you can see, he is still drinking his Coke like it ain't no thang. Mr. Chill is serious business. This is why no one should cross him.

****

And since I am in the Autumn mood (fun fact, calling Autumn "Fall" is something we only do in North America), I've decided to post one of my favorite Halloween sketches.

This has two of my favorite comedians in it...Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Even Stevphen - Halloween
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

I could listen to Stephen Colbert say "I want to be a vampire" at the end a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough.

Deep Thoughts

When I was in the MTC I met a missionary who liked those Deep Thoughts that Jack Handy used to do on Saturday Night Live. I had a whole bunch of them memorized, and he did too, so we'd share them with each other and laugh a lot. For those of you who have never heard any of them here are a few of the gems:

***

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it will turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Dad always thought laugheter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attatched to the end of a long stick.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

***

So, some people think those are funny, I find them hilarious. Anyway, when I was in the MTC I decided to make some of my own...Mormon style. Here are some of the ones I came up with:

Deep Thoughts: By Elder Handy

If Nephi was born of badly parents the Book of Mormon would have started very differently.

When Alma the Younger went on a mission he was called Elder The Younger

If God had a pet dog I bet his name would be Kolob.

Next time you go to a Halloween Stake Dance you should go dressed as Captain Moroni, cause if he could make the very powers of hell be shaken forever he must have been a real good dancer.

I bet it's hard to meet girls when your name is Shiblon.

When in Nauvoo, do as the Nauvians

I bet the Urim and Thummim would make you a killer card player.

I wonder if there were sports teams in the Book of Mormon. If there were I bet the Nephi-Lehis and the Anti-Nephi Lehis were cross town rivals.

I feel sorry for all the kids who tried to eat popcorn off the apricot tree.

Nephi should have made a workout video, he could have called it "Being Large in Stature."

What is the nature of God? Everyone seems to think this is a difficult question. Well, it's pretty simple really. He created everything, so the trees, the birds, it's all God's nature.

Nephi should make a record on golden plates of good pick up lines. For example, one could be: "Hello daughter of Israel, I beheld you standing there and saw you are exceedingly fine."

The tree of good and evil should quit riding the fence. I mean, come on tree, make up your mind. Are you good or evil?

I hope I don't die until the millennium, or even longer--whichever happens first.

If I were the young men's president in Ancient American times I would sure hate to have Laman and Lemuel in my Sunday School class.

If I were the prophet I'd have a book called "See I Told You So."

Every time I sing that song "The Daughter's of Zion" I think to myself, "Adam gave up a rib so we could sing this crap."

What was the preexistence like? Well to find out yo must look at the words that make it up: preex and istence. What do these words mean? We'll never know, it's the same for the preexistence.



Okay, so that is what I did in the MTC. Looking back they're not as funny as I remembered. But hey, I was only 20 and my sense of humor hadn't matured yet to the bright shining sun of wit I currently enjoy :)

My Keys!!!

Hey Everyone,

Why don't you get comfortable and let me tell you a little story about a miracle. But before I get too far, let me first flesh out the background for this particular miracle.

Around August 30 or so I lost my keys. This turned out to be the first difficulty in a long series of upsets, heartbreaks, and losses that would plague me for the next month and a half (and for all I know may still be going on).

Before I lost my keys things were better than they'd been in a long time. I was happy, I was successful, my social/romantic life was heading in a positive direction...really, things were great.

So in this happy state I went home to visit my family, and I had a wonderful time visiting, but the entire time I was there I couldn't get out of my mind how excited I was to go back to Utah-- to my happily unfolding life.

When my trip was over and I started to pack, I realized my keys were nowhere to be found. I checked everywhere I could think of, but I didn't have any luck. My dad told me that he'd look for them after I'd left and that if he found them he'd mail them to me. So, I got on the plane and left. I figured I must have left the keys in Utah.

But my keys weren't in Utah—my keys were lost. Try to imagine how frustrating it is to tiredly get off a plane, drive for an hour, feel dirty and unkept, and then to come home to find that you're locked out, that all of your stuff is in your car and your old apartment, but you can't get near any of it cause you don't have the keys. I just ended up sitting on a street corner, totally stranded in a place I used to call home. It was very depressing... I had returned, but I was locked out. I was in the right place, but denied entry. I was home, but not welcome. I felt how Odysseus must have when he returned from Troy to find that his house was no longer his home (okay, I'll stop now... I'm just getting melodramatic and I think you get the idea).

I don't want to bore you with everything that has gone wrong since then. But I'll give you the highlight reel. Since I've returned I've found that most of my friends are either moved, graduated, or busy. I've had a falling out with the person that brought more joy to my life than any other (and through losing them I finally realized how much I cared about them all along), I moved into a ward I didn't like, I've had one of my best friends die--and many other things (some of which I've blogged about)...but losing my keys happened first, and because of this, losing my keys became symbolic of everything falling apart.

I think for the most part people haven't been aware of all that has been going on with me. I've shared the lighter moments on this blog, but I haven't ever really opened up about how much I've been hurting. I can usually hide my suffering pretty well so most people (unless they know me really well) aren't even aware of what's going on. But I've been dying inside. For the past month I've felt removed and cold. I haven't felt connected to people. Relationships have felt forced and strained. Even a simple hug feels uncomfortable. Put simply, I haven't been well. I've lost too many things at once and too fast for me to cope with it all. Basically, the best way I cope with things is writing (I think this is why I blogged so prolifically in September (and why I set the goal for 15 posts)). Anyway, that’s probably enough background. What you need to know is my life was great, I lost my keys, after that first problem things continued to get worse and worse until I became very sad, and whenever, in my sadness I looked back on everything, I always longingly referred back to things “before I lost the keys.”

Now to the more immediate present…

Saturday, for various reasons, was the worst day in a long series of escalatingly bad days. On Saturday I had about 3 hours sleep, I had a horrible headache, I went to my friend’s funeral and saw his body for the first time since he died(causing a flood of buried emotions to come to the surface). And a few other things of a more personal nature happened exactly how I didn’t want them to. By about 1AM I wasn't even speaking very coherently. I ended up getting home at about 3:30 in the morning, feeling just dead. I couldn’t sleep at all. I sat on my couch and talked to a friend for a bit, and then I laid in bed for a while. I went to sleep around 5 or so (oh, and to make things worse for some reason I was ridiculously cold too…really shivering).

So on Sunday, as I was walking to the church building, I turned to my friend and said "Man, I'm not ready for a testimony meeting, I'm sure I'm gonna hear some testimony about how when life is bad, all you need to do is say a prayer and then bam! life is great. Well, I pray a lot, and my life is spiraling down and I don't think those little prayers make it very far." I then said "I'm sure there will be some testimony about someone losing something and then finding it and how this helps them know the church is true...well, I lost my keys, I certainly prayed to find them, and I've had no such luck."

Now here is where things start to get amazing. The third testimony to get up (and this really did happen, I have witnesses) was a guy who said "I'd like to bare my testimony and share a story. A few days ago I lost my keys and I looked everywhere for them, but I couldn't find them, so I said a prayer and then looked again, I almost immediately found them, I want to share my testimony that God looks out for us in even the small things."

My friend turned to me and laughed, not only had I complained about this sort of testimony, but this was the very example I had used. I reveled in the coincidence for a while, but then let it slip from my mind.

I didn't think of this testimony again until late in the day when I was breaking my fast. My prayer went something like this:

(and I hope this doesn't sound blasphemous, I just pray more informally than most, and I joke around with God when I pray--I think we have a good understanding so I don't worry about lightning)

"Dear Heavenly Father, things have sort of stunk lately, if I'm supposed to be learning something please point it out a bit more clearly. Also, I'm not one to complain about favoritism, but why on earth (if it was in fact an answered prayer) did that guy get his keys back? Of course, taking my understanding of miracles, there are some you do and some you don't, and he could very well be projecting meaning on a mere coincidence, but if you did hook him up, man...I'd really enjoy some love right now. (then some personal stuff here…)And also, if you've got favorites, what can I do to get on your good side for a while."

I like to think that my prayers sometimes make God laugh...but maybe my prayers are the reason I have such bad luck. Either way, today, just a day after my prayer, a miracle happened and my keys were found!!

Talk about a hook up!!...and fast service. Now, please keep in mind how much we looked for those keys. I searched for hours and so did my dad. I called the airline I flew on, and the airport...nothing. And then somehow today, the day right after that testimony and my subsequent prayer, right when I felt like I couldn't take anymore (and keeping in mind how much the keys had come to signify), I got a call from my brother, where he said "Hey, did you lose your keys? Cause we have some cleaners over and they found some keys under the couch, I checked the thumb drive and there was an essay on it about law, it made me think they were yours."

I can't begin to relate how much this little miracle meant to me.

Those keys, by being the first of many losses, have come to represent all my losses. Their return, by extension, seems to signify to me that things will finally start to get better. Of course, the strange existential funk I've been in, and all the losses I've experienced, can't all be made right. But some of them can, and I at least have a bit more faith that I can now fix the ones in my control, and to hope for the one’s that aren’t in my control. I just can't help but think that the little tender mercy of finding my keys after they've been lost for so long, especially when the timing was so amazing, means something significant, at the very least it can mean that God is saying “keep your chin up and know I’m not deaf to your problems” at the very best it’s him saying things will get better now. But either way, I know he’s not rallying the universe against me now, which is a really refreshing thought (joking).

And before I end this post, I just wanna point out how cool God did all this. I gotta give him credit for both impeccable timing and style. I mean, yesterday's coincidental testimony, my frustration at hearing yesterday's testimony, my subsequent plea for help, the symmetry in the story arc of having the keys disappear and return signifying both loss and redemption. That is good story telling. Way to go God! I will stop questioning how you run your universe(s).

p.s. My good friend Rebecca just pointed out to me that my keys were discovered on the same day Columbus discovered (more like bumbled) into the Americas.

Garett Story

Today was Garett's funeral. I'm so sad I wasn't able to make it. I thought about him almost all day today.

My friend Logan spoke at the funeral and he did an amazing job (he sent me a copy of his talk). In his talk he shared stories of things we'd all done together. These stories got me to thinking about Garett, and experiences I'd shared with him that weren't in Logan's talk. As I thought about these experiences I decided I should share one or two of them on this blog.

So, tonight I'm gonna share a story from my Sr. year of high school. Hopefully hearing a "Garett Story" or two will help those of you that never met him to realize what a rare and special person he was, and why those that knew him miss him so much.

Garett was the psychologist at my high school. He'd let me and the other kids from church hang out in his office whenever we wanted. Sometimes he'd take the super cool kids (basically, me, my brother,Logan, and Ben) out of class to hang out and keep him company.

Once, when I was hanging out in his office, he asked him if there was a girl I was interested in. I told him that there was a girl and that her name was Teri. He asked me a few questions about her and I answered him while he sat there, listening, and nodding. When I was done he said "what's her last name?" I told him and then promptly forgot the incident.

The next day, as I was walking past his office, I looked through his window and noticed someone was inside. I started to walk away cause I didn't want to interrupt a meeting or anything, but as I was walking away I realized that the person in is office was none other than Teri. I felt a coldness in my stomach, I knew Garett was interrogating the poor girl and putting her on the spot (he enjoyed doing this to people when he first met them (when I first met him he slammed on his car brake so I'd fly across his van (but that's another story))). I was really scared cause I didn't know if she was ready to meet Garett. Garett was someone I usually waited a while to introduce to people (especially girls). He always asked girls the really awkward questions to see if they had a good sense of humor... and to see if they could handle being put on the spot (also, he'd usually try to extract funny stories out of them (usually at my expense)).

At this point I think it's important to point out that Garett didn't do this to humiliate me. He really did these kinds of things in fun. He just had a different, and older, perspective on things. He knew that a high school relationship wouldn't last, but that a brother would be around for a lifetime...so he was all about collecting funny stories for us all to laugh at later...long after the girl he'd embarrassed me in front of was nothing more than a memory. Unfortunately, I didn't share this wizened perspective. All I knew was that there was a girl I liked in his office and that he was putting her on the spot. I thought she'd resent his questioning, and by extension , resent me.

I ran into his office to put a stop to whatever sort of tom-foolery was afoot, but when I entered and he looked up, and all he said was "you know better, go back outside and do it right."

Now at this point I need to provide a little background. You see, Garett loved protocol. In order to access his office you needed to follow very strict procedure. First, you needed to put your face up against the glass. Next, you had to put your hands up to the glass with the blades of your hands against the glass, hands slightly cupped--blocking the sunlight so he could see you. Once you assumed this position you had to stand there and wait till he acknowledged you. Once he acknowledged you, you could then enter the sanctum of his office.

So, in my shock at seeing Teri in his office I entered his office without following the necessary protocol. He of course would have none of this, he wouldn't even talk to me until I followed the correct protocol... it was pretty embarrassing. All he said was "I don't want to embarrass you, but I can't talk to you until you seek admittance properly. Go back outside and do it right."

I said "come on, what's going on here?" Garett just looked at me with mock seriousness and said, "come on now, this hurts me more than it hurts you, go back outside and do it right."

So, I left the room, went outside, put my face against the window, put my hands to either side of my face to block the light...and then I watched him pretend I wasn't there. He looked everywhere but the window... he looked at the ceiling, his computer, he shuffled the things on his desk...and then, finally, he looked at the window and dramatically feigned surprise. A big mischievous grin came over his face and he dramatically bid me to enter.

As I walked into his office he said "oh, sorry Danny, but you'll have to go, as you can see I'm working with someone. You can come back when she's gone. I gotta take care of this, I think this girl might be crazy--she certainly has strange taste in men."

Teri is of course laughing through all of this ( Deep down I think she was just excited to see me getting put in my place).

Anyway, I left his office. I knew that nothing good could come from my staying around.... so I left and took up a seat outside his office...waiting for them to finish. And I waited for an eternity.

An eternity later (probably 20 minutes), Teri came out.

When she came out I asked her how it went. She said it was nice. I waited patiently for her to say more, but she didn't, so I said "and...." ending with dramatic effect. She said, "Oh come now, all we did was talk about you." I said "that's what I am afraid of...details please." She said "he told me you'd ask for details...and he also told me not to give you any."

I soon realized that in just a few minutes he'd inspired more loyalty in her than I had in the last 4 years so I ran to Garett's office to get the scoop... I followed protocol correctly and he waved me in.

I entered his office and asked him how the meeting went. He of course said "what meeting?" After I jogged his memory he said , "oh yes, the girl, it went well enough. She seems nice."

"And....."

"She's a nice girl."

"Is that all I'm gonna get?"

"Probably."

I left his office and tracked down Teri again. She remained loyal to Garett's vow of silence for at least an hour, but, after some persistence she finally relented and told me about the conversation

She said "At first he asked me about me, what my plans are, what I like, what kind of music I listen to and all that...but then he asked me about you. But it wasn't the typical questions, it wasn't questions like 'do you like him' or 'does he have a shot with you.' He didn't ask any anything like that, he just asked me to describe you, what you're like, what you care about. It was pretty strange."

I agreed with her that it was a strange interview (even stranger than him calling her out of her English class in the first place). I went to his office to get to the bottom of everything...and then I learned a valuable lesson about what a good friend he was.

He just smiled and said "I gotta make sure she's good enough for you buddy. I don't really care about the particulars, although it was important that she told me she likes the Beatles...but really, all I wanted to do was to make sure she understood what a great guy you are...I wanted to know if she was good enough for you, and I decided to measure whether she was good enough for you by whether or not she could appreciate how special you are (and not in the way I usually use that word)... I still think she undervalues you, but she caught enough. I say go for it."

Right then my frustration with him just disappeared. I was still a little annoyed that he'd meddled, but what was first on my mind was how lucky I was to have such a good and loyal friend.

I ended up dating that girl, it ended badly...Garett eventually referred to her by the dysphemism of "that cute little porcupine" (which always lightened my mood when I was sure I would never love again).

But...just as he helped me before I dated her, he helped me after. He was there for me, guiding me through those first awkward steps that inevitably come after we stub our toes on love (or what we think is love) for the first time.

It's so hard to realize that I'll never see my friend again (in this life). I'm sure I'll meet other great people, some might even be as smart or as witty as he was --although this is doubtful--, but what I really doubt is that I'll ever find a friend that impacts my life so much, or that cares for me as purely and loyally as he did.

Garett

My friend Garett just passed away last Thursday. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I've sat down a few times to write out my feelings...trying to use writing to figure out what's going on in my head, and to hopefully come to terms with everything. Unfortunately, every time I try, I find that what I'm writing is too personal and sad...and those of you that knew him know why a sad eulogy is inappropriate. So, instead of writing something about him, I've decided to share some parts from two of his favorite books.

Garett once told me that there were two books that he'd always recommend to everyone he was friends with. These books were The Prophet by Kahil Gibran, and Illusions by Richard Bach. He once joked that when it was the last minute, and he needed a gift for someone, he'd just wrap up his copy of either book, give it away, and then buy another.

So, while I'm working on writing down some of my best memories of him, here is something that's probably even better: literature he loved. You can tell a lot about a person by what they read. Hopefully, from these two quotations you can get a small glimpse of what a great guy he was.

(And I apologize in advance for picking these quotations. There are much happier ones in both books, I guess these two just mean the most to me right now cause they deal with sadness and loss).

This first quotation is from The Prophet.

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."

And now, for Illusions. This book I've shared once before on this blog, and the quotation I shared then is even more appropriate now so I'll share it again. Here it is:

Don't be dismayed at good-byes,
A farewell is necessary before you can meet again,
And meeting again,
after moments or lifetimes,
is certain for those who are friends.