Rejection

A few days ago a girl I hometeach called me. She was pretty distraught. She had had a horrible week. She was dumped by her boyfriend (his name was Axel and he wasn't in a metal band so I don't think it was much of a loss), she got a ticket, and she was rejected by two of the grad-schools she applied for.

The worst part in all of this was that one of the schools she was rejected by was her fall back school. She figured that school wasn't good enough, but she'd apply just in case everything else went wrong...and that school said no.

So, we had a long talk about rejection. I think it's really interesting how it is painful to be rejected by something or someone that you're not even prepared to accept their offer/them. I mean, she didn't want to go to this school, but it hurt her feelings that that school didn't want her.

I can only think of one time that I've been outright rejected and it was a similar thing. This was when I was 14 or so. I was at a church dance and the young men's leader came up to me. He noticed that there was a girl sitting against the wall and not dancing. He said "Danny, would you ask Shelly to dance, she looks like she's not having a very good time."

Shelly was a few years younger than me, she was unattractive, and she had a very abrasive personality. But, I was asked to ask her to dance, and I thought it would be good to get some good karma, so I said "sure" and I went off to ask her to dance.

I walked up to her and asked if she'd like to dance and she looked at me for a second, crinkled her nose, and then said "no thank you."

I remember being floored. I thought to myself "wait a minute, she said no? She said no to me? I didn't even want to dance with her....I was doing a favor...and I got rejected?!"

I walked away feeling pretty horrible. I knew that I didn't even want to dance with her, but her saying she didn't want to dance with me still hurt. It was a very curious feeling. I tried to be rational and realize that I got exactly what I wanted and so did she...but something about her not wanting to dance with me bothered me. I tried to figure out why she said no. I wondered if it was cause she was shy (she didn't dance with anyone else either), whether it was me, whether I'd said something to her in the past to make her not like me (very likely) etc.

So, that was my rejection story. And it seemed like it fit my friend's story. I mean, she didn't even want to go to that school, but she was all bent out of shape about them saying no. I think it's cause most people take rejection personally....kinda hard not to.

I told her she should call up the school and say "hey, I don't really want to attend your school at all, but could you accept me so I can reject your offer...you won't be overcrowded and I'll have my dignity." But then I realized that if she did that it would totally defeat the purpose because it would demonstrate how much that school rejecting her bothered her. Cause she can't pretend she was too good for that school if it bothered her to not get accepted.

In the end we decided that the only mature way to go about this was to get accepted at a really good school. What she could do was make a copy of her acceptance letter to a good school, make a copy of that school's ranking, make a copy of the ranking of the school she was rejected by, and then send the package to the school that rejected her with a note that says "how do you like them apples?"

That really is the only mature response.

I really need to get to the bottom of this idea though...why is rejection like this. I've had other weird experiences too. Just recently I had a girl like me for about 3 weeks

(sidenote: I've recently noticed that when a girl likes you and she makes advances...the length of time you have of ignoring her before she moves on is proportionate to her self-esteem. This girl liked me for about 3 weeks so she thought well of herself)

what was strange was that I had no interest in her, but when she stopped liking me I was sad. I know for a fact that if she started to like me again I wouldn't do anything about it...and her liking me was even a little bit uncomfortable, but for some reason when she stopped (or at least she stopped trying) it was sad. This makes no sense.

Now, my theory on all of this is this.....and please don't judge me cause I'm gonna take a pretty objective (which is at times offensive) perspective on relationships.

I think that in most relationships (not all of course) there is one person in the dominant position. Often this person is the more attractive of the two, but if can also be someone that is more intelligent, more charismatic etc. Usually it's the person that could do better outside of the relationship. Cause when you're thinking about settling down it's sorta natural to wonder (at least for me) if you can do better. You look around at your prospects....and you measure by whatever criteria you use( ambition, money, looks etc.) whether there are other people you could land that would be better than the one you're currently with. You make this assessment by determining (by whatever standards you use) your own value, and then you compare it to the value of the person you're thinking of dating.

Now, if you feel like you can't do any better, you're very grateful to be with the person you're with. You get all excited, you're very accommodating...you do all you can to keep them, because you think that what you now have now is better than anything you'll get.

But then there is the other person. When you treat them this way they know they're in the dominant position. They probably think they can find someone that's better (or at least a better fit) so they sorta take things easy. They accept the other persons kindness, but they're always ready to bolt for the next thing that comes along.

The trick is when the person stops feeling that way. That's when the person in the dominant (and ungrateful) position has to re-evaluate things. Cause now they can't take the other person for granted, now they gotta wonder what changed, whether the other person is in a stronger position, whether they really could do better....and then they begin to question their judgment. They wonder if they lost an opportunity, if they over-valued themselves etc. This is why people take getting rejected, even when not interested, hard.

My friend thought she was too good for that other school, but when that school said she wasn't good enough for them she had to say to herself "maybe I'm not all that great." or "if I can't get into this school, what other school would want me."

So, when we're rejected what happens (and what is so frustrating) is careful self-reflection.

I've always been in a strange position when it comes to this sort of thing. I have a pretty high estimation of myself. I don't think I've ever dated anyone where I felt like I was getting the better deal (maybe 1 or 2 exceptions). I've always wondered "is she enough?" I've never wondered "I hope she accepts me for who I am." I realize that this is a character flaw on my part.

But I think that for me this makes things even harder, because when a girl likes me and she stops liking me, or if I like a girl and she doesn't like me, I have to ask myself "am I not as great as I think?" and I have to wonder "can I really do better?" Which is really funny cause there are times when I'm not sure if I want to pursue something, and then a girl changes her mind about liking me, and all of a sudden I get all scared and certain that I lost something...which I realize is stupid because a week before I wasn't even sure I wanted it.

The other funny thing is it's often hard to let go of the idea that someone likes you. There was another girl a week or so ago that told me she liked me (the musician girl...I think I mentioned her earlier), and I was pretty clear with her that I wasn't interested. But every time I saw her I thought of her as "that girl that likes me" and I interpreted all of her conversations as some sort of advance, when I realize looking back now that that was my pride. She got over me, but I guess my pride wasn't able to think of her as having got over me. I figured she wouldn't drop liking me so fast...

Very strange.

So I guess what I'm getting at is rejection is a weird thing. Whoever values the relationship the most has the most control, and when someone rejects you, they have control. Similarly, when someone likes you and they give up liking you, they value the relationship less and they gain control. It's always the person who cares the least that comes out dominant. And the person that cares the least is usually the person that can do better outside of the relationship.

I think this is why it's often nice to see the people someone dates after they date you. You get to say "yeah, they're not doing any better...good luck finding someone better." And when you see the person they're dating you get to stack them up against you and determine whether you should be jealous. This is very petty (and it's similar to that idea from earlier of mailing your acceptance to a better school to the school that rejected you).

Everyone wants to feel valued. When we care about people we assign them value, when we reject people we assign them value. Even when someone rejects us that we don't like they assign us value. It's a very strange thing.

I guess this is an important issue for me cause I so rarely care about anyone enough to try a relationship. My problem is I avoid relationships because I almost always think something better will come along, but that means that I so rarely get into relationships that I raise the value of the relationship I'm in...causing me to be in a weaker position. So, my perception of a stronger position puts me in a weaker one.

Of course, this is an oversimplificaiton of the issue...and I don't think it's a very healthy attitude to look at relationships in term of power struggles (very marxist).

I think at some level relationships work best when both people feel like they're in the dominant position...or the dominant position in some things and the other person is dominant in others....then you might have equality. Or perhaps the true ideal is when they don't even care at all about who gets more than whom...they just want to make the other person happy.

That's the standard President Hinckley talked about when he said "true love isn't so much about romance as it as about an anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

I think if you're more worried about the other person being happy than you are about getting a good deal you're probably off to a good start. Just recently I felt that way for the first time in recent memory...I cared more about the other person than I did about whether or not they could contribute as much as me. It was a good feeling. I think that relationship could have worked. At least it would have started off with genuine friendship and charity rather than bargaining...which is what I'm sick of.

I'm so tired of the bargaining in life. Whether it's bargaining your value with a grad school, at a job, or on a date.

I think this is why it's so good to have close family and friends. They're the ones that don't fit in this model, they're the ones that you can like without wondering about who gets more or less. They're the ones you don't feel like you have to constantly impress to maintain the relationship. They're the ones you genuinely love. It's love that removes us from the petty quid pro quo mindset of interpersonal relations.

This is why I've started to hate dating. I'm tired of the game, of the insincerity, of the weighing, of the wondering if it's a good deal. I just wanna care about someone again, and throw all that childish nonsense out of the window.

My advice is if you find someone that really cares about you...consistently and fairly...cherish them. That is quite rare. I've been so lucky to have the friends and family that I do...i really feel at peace with them.

Well, I sorta got off topic (but it remained pretty consistently themed I think).

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. A lot of events lately...I'll post about them later. I just thought I'd get this out first.

Hope you're all doing well.