Funny Things That Were Said By a Person In the Last 24 Hours

I frequently see quotation walls in girl's apartments (hereafter referred to as QWs). Basically, these QWs are a collection of funny quotations on post it notes. The quotations usually come from funny things the girls have said to each other.

I've often wondered why guys don't also have QWs. After much contemplation my theory is this (and it's not very revolutionary): girls and guys just find different things funny...and the kinds of things girls think are funny are appropriate for a quotation wall...while the kinds of things guys think are funny just aren't.

Other reasons I've come up with for this strange phenomenon are:

1) guys just don't have the patience (and they're not organized enough) to collect the funny things that they say and put them on post-it notes.

2) Guys say funny things so often they don't see the point in documenting them.

3) The things guys think are funny should not be put on a wall (it would become evidence).

Anyway, back to my main theory...so now I'm sure you're thinking "well how do their senses of humor differ?" Well, I'm glad you asked! Here's the difference: girl's humor is extrinsic and guy's humor is intrinsic. Or in other words, girls think thing things are funny in the context of something else and guys thing things are funny for the thing itself.

This makes sense when you look at the different communication styles of men and women. In linguistics they say that men have vertical speech patterns while women have horizontal speech patterns...basically this just means that women try to feel included in the way they speak and men try to set themselves apart in how they speak (women tend to prefer the pronoun "we" while men prefer the pronoun "I") So, anyway, all I'm saying is that girl's humor is like their speech style, it is inclusive and tries to focus on outside factors (hence their jokes requiring a story)...while guy's humor is also like their speech style and stands alone (hence it doesn't require context to be funny).

So, guys don't have QWs cause the things they think are funny are quick and fast...too short to really document. While girl humor is based more on some huge scenario with tons of build up followed by a mediocre punchline. But that's not a problem for them because the punchline isn't the important part...the experience was. Girls love their QWs cause they can see a brief sentence on their wall and then be transported back to a pleasant time when they were all having a sleepover or something, and they were all sitting around and talking about whatever mysterious things girls talk about when they're together. While guys on the other hand, if they had a QW they'd just have a disjointed collection of funny statements...and if they read them they wouldn't have the cathartic experience women enjoy when they go back to the context of the punchline (which is, I think, the real reason women create QWs).

What evidence do I have for this theory? Well, all I got is that every time I've asked a girl why one of their quotations was funny they've told me some ridiculously long story (laughing the entire time) and then at the end of their story they've told me some strange punchline like "and then she said I have gummy bears up my nose!" Every time I've heard one of these anticlimactic punchlines I've made my "say what?" face...and then they've usually said something like "well, I guess you just had to have been there." So, for all you doubters of my theory...there's my evidence.

Well, now that I've shared my theory. I've decided to give everyone a rare glimpse into the dialogue of a guy's apartment. After all, it's not fair that all the things that girls say in the confines of their apartments are on their walls for the world to see (and occasionally mock), but the things that guys say remain behind closed doors.

So, here is a rare treat for you all. I hoe you appreciate what you're being offered (there are reasons why guys don't have QWs).

Now, if you intend to read on...if you feel you can handle this rare glimpse into a guy's apartment...please don't judge me harshly. This is the tough and gritty truth of what goes on in guy's apartments (or at least mine (but the dialogue in my apartment is probably not indicative of all (or even many) guy's apartments so I might not be offering you very much)).

Anyway, without further ado...here are some things that were said by a person in the last 24 hours.

side-note: I've included some things said by outside sources so that not all quotations can be traced back to my apartment (I can't be too careful, I need to protect the authors' privacy (and their social lives)).

1) Dude, you gotta strike while the iron is hot, cause if you don’t, when you finally get around to swinging that hammer ,the metal will be all cool and you’re gonna end up with a funky looking horseshoe…and I hope I don’t have to tell you this, but in this metaphor that funky looking horseshoe is your relationship.

2) I’m gay for myself.

3) Girls spend a lot of time analyzing, but they’re not very analytical. So they spend a lot of doing something they’re not very good at…which is probably why they do it in groups.

4) I have a natural and unconquerable aversion to that person.

5) Person 1: I practically gave that girl an instruction manual to my heart.
Person 2: When was the last time you met a girl that could follow an instruction manual?

6) Suicide is the most sincerest form of criticism that life gets.

7) Person 1: I think that someday I'd like to write jokes for candy rappers.
Person 2: Really? I didn't know you were into hip hop.
Person 1: Oh wow, didn't realize I used the wrong type of "rapper." Looks like I just fell pray to a homophone.

8) A man attacked his wife with a flashlight. Man charged with assault…flashlight charged with battery.

Once again, please don't judge the unknown authors of these quotations harshly. They are quite clever if I do say so myself.

Also, you might have noticed that many of these quotations made reference to women. I sincerely believe that guys are at their funniest when girls are involved (either for subject matter or just to give the guys a reason to be funny (after all word on the streets is girls find funny guys attractive (although this has yet to be verified in my own experience (but maybe I'm not that funny)))).

If you want to take a shot at guessing who said what feel free to do so in a comment.

Anyway, hope you're all doing well.