Worst Date Ever

Okay, so the date starts off with me picking her up at her door and finding that both her cheeks were swollen. As it turned out, her wisdom teeth were pulled the day before...but for some strange reason she didn't want to cancel. I told her that it would be no trouble to reschedule, but she insisted, and so, out of admiration for her determination and toughness, I agreed, took her hand, and walked her to my car.

Now things seemed to be okay at first, I figured she was just super tough, but after a little while I realized she was starting to get a little bit...well, I guess the word is stoned. She started getting stoned. As it turned out, she had taken some powerful pain medication right before the date started and it was just now starting to kick in.. I probably should have asked what she was taking for the pain (I normally do, it's the pharmacy tech (and natural curiosity) in me), but for some reason, I guess that important question just slipped my mind that night.

Anyway, I was already committed...so I just decided to make the best of the decision...and cut the date short. I decided to follow our original plan and get some food (we'd agreed to dinner beforehand and so I hadn't had anything...and I was hungry), but in response to her suffering I changed the restaurant to one that served shakes so she could have something too (shakes were on her list of things that were okay to eat).

So this was my plan. I figured I'd get a really fast dinner, she'd get her shake, and then I could take her home before the drugs completely took over. Unfortunately, things didn't work out quite so smoothly. You see, she was a bit of a light weight and she started getting really loopy really fast...and even worse, she was the kind of girl that, when she gets doped up, runs off at the mouth and turns off her filter--so she was saying pretty much whatever came to her mind... and she was saying some interesting things

Anyway, we went to dinner and things looked to be okay at first, but after a little while, when the drugs took away her inhibitions, she just sat there staring at me with a blank look on her face. I kept on eating (didn't really know what else to do) and she just kept on watching. After a few minutes of watching me eat, her half lidded eyes started to close, her head dipped, and then she caught herself and came completely awake and said "you know, no offense, but you're a really disgusting eater." I stopped grinding away at my the bite of cheeseburger in my mouth, looked up, smiled, and said "thanks."

I thought it would be funny to talk while chewing (kind of rude for rude, also a little irony for flavor), but she missed all that and just sat there staring at me with the blank expression one normally only finds when they stare a grazing cow in the face.

Now, at this point I should probably describe the cheeseburger I was eating...it was huge! It was so big that it was bigger than my mouth. Because of this, I couldn't quite get my mouth around it, so every bite spread various sauces all over my face. Normally when someone attempts a burger of this size, people, out of respect for your ambition, give you a little leeway and they don't expect you to eat that monster burger without making a mess. I mean, if the burger is huge it won't go down without a fight...and when you fight you get dirty...so when you eat a big burger you get dirty--simple logic. Well, she didn't agree. After my second bite, right as I'm reaching for my napkin, she reaches over with her own napkin and wipes my face and says "there, let me get that for ya. It was kinda bothering me."

Now, this was my second bite so it couldn't have been bothered her for long, but I just swallowed, took the awkward (and somewhat kind) gesture stoically...and then self-consciously surrendered to my burger.

And now you may say "what does it mean to surrender to a burger?", well, my friend, I'm glad you asked. To surrender to a burger is to admit that it is too big for you alone, so rather than eat it with both hands like a man, you pull out the white flag (napkin), take out extra artillery (silverware) and then you cut up your food like your mother used to back before you were coordinated enough to do it yourself. So, since I couldn't bear to have her reach over the table again, I surrendered to my burger, bowed my head, and cut up my burger in defeat--it was humiliating.

Other than her painful remarks about food, she ran off at the mouth on some other things. I found out she thought I was really great, so great in fact that I reminded her of her boyfriend (turns out she was dating a guy at BYU and since they were so far away they were dating other people, but they still planned on marrying once he graduated). I found out she didn't really like the Beatles (deal breaker). I found out she didn't like my most of our common friends....basically I found out way more than I wanted, way more than she wanted to tell me, and certainly way more than I ever would have heard if she was sober. But luckily, I also heard enough to know that I should never ask her out again, that I should get out of the restaurant as soon as possible, and that I should cut my losses.

We never really talked much after that. We knew each other from institute and we'd always had wonderful conversations, but I just couldn't get the bad taste of that date out of my mouth...and I didn't really see any reason why I should. I mean, I'm all about having a good experience for the sake of having a good experience... and dating can be that with the right person, but I think I draw the line at semi-betrothed women who sick up at the sight of me eating a cheeseburger.

Anyway, that's my worst date ever.