Valentine's Day

I honestly wasn't planning on doing anything for this Valentine's Day. I was going to do my date for the week (hopefully far enough in advance to take all Valentine's Day pressure off the activity) and call it good. But, someone planned out an activity for me...so I guess I will do something this year and I won't have the day off. Last Valentine's was pretty fun, my roommate (Jason) and I did a goofy date (took our dates to the hospital (for food) then went to the dollar store). The year before that I also did a goofy date (my friend Ted and I took dressed up like hicks (and so did our dates) and we went to eat at The Golden Corral). This year I'm going to go to some comedy show...not along the trend of past years but I guess it will work for the weekly date.

Valentine's Day always gets me thinking. As a single's person its sorta like a report card for your new year's resolutions. Here's why:

You have the holidays. Holidays are spent with family. Family is built around married people. So, single people become painfully aware they're single. As for myself, I used to never even notice this. It wasn't until this past year that I really even became open to the idea of a relationship. So, it was with great pain that I watched everyone I know and love enjoy the holidays as couples while I became the strange single outlier. I still had fun, but I was very aware for the first time of my need to commit and take the eternal plunge (sounds pretty melodramatic worded that way).

Anyway, I think most single people in my position have a similar thought process...but I could be way off. So, what happens then is people have new years come around, they realize they have no one they really want to kiss that year, and they resolve to find someone to kiss for next year (it's an important tradition).

So, by the end of January everyone has started to slack on their ridiculous new years goals....and then February comes around and those goals are all but forgotten. But then, right when you begin to forget all those promises made to yourself, Valentine's Day comes around and it's like a Chocolate covered slap to the face. You once again become aware of your neglect in romantic areas, your failure to commit or whatever it may be, and then you once again resolve to figure something out.....so, that's why Valentine's day is like a report card. And, sorry to say it, but I think I'm failing my classes. I have a few people who'd like to have me enroll, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna take the semester off. And this metaphor is getting pretty convoluted now so I'm gonna drop it.

Anyway, on the topic of Valentine's Day, here is something I've been thinking about lately...the thin line between love and hate.

It's sorta like there are two parts of the brain, one part for intense emotions and the other part for calm emotions. So, while it would make sense to think that love and hate are at opposite ends of the spectrum, in reality they are quite close. So, what is the opposite of both love and hate? Apathy. Pure and simple. Nothing hurts worse than someone who doesn't care.

I've rarely experienced apathy from other people. Maybe I've been lucky, maybe it's my personality type, but I've usually been someone people liked, and I've had a few people hate me, but I've rarely had anyone apathetic toward me.

Just recently I had a conversation where I felt apathy, where I could really tell someone didn't care. I rarely lose my temper....but I did then. The moment I picked up on the apathy I ended the conversation.

I began to think about this and I began to wonder if I've ever been that disrespectful to anyone. I am pretty sure I don't do this. I generally have an opinion on people, I either like them or I don't (although the nature of the "like" is often uncertain). This can be a problem because I can come across as judgmental, but everyone I know is sorted carefully...and I avoid the dangerous middle ground of apathy as much as possible.

I think it's important that we determine how we feel about people and act accordingly. It's just diminishing to someone's humanity to not give them the respect of determining what they mean to you. Not even giving someone the courtesy of disliking them or liking them...just leaving them as someone so unimportant that they sit in some undefined region...that is flat out wrong.

This is why there are the extremes. This is why people usually are inclined toward like or dislike. And this is why there is nothing more hurtful than going from caring someone to ignoring someone. This is why someone saying "you are now dead to me" is way worse than someone saying "I hate you." If someone hates you they at least have feelings regarding you.

The question then is what is the proper response to apathy? In my opinion it's apathy. If you care about someone who loves you it is rewarding, if you care about someone who hates you it is painful, but if you care about someone who feels nothing for you...that's demeaning. That lessens your concept of self. It degrades you in a way that is truly unhealthy.

I realize that it is an oversimplification to categorize all relationships in 3 ways: love, hate, and apathy. I realize that there are varying degrees, and that we often feel a complex jumble of emotions. I'm only simplifying the three relational perspectives for ease in discussion.

But, continuing on...something that it is important to remember is what apathy does to the person...both the person feeling apathy and the person receiving it....it is very damaging to both.

Of course, there are many people you'll meet that you have no contact with and these people don't really fit into the equation...you can have some sort of good will for all men (or follow Christ's commandment to love your neighbor) but there is nothing felt towards these people resembling any of the three emotions, they are neutral, not apathetic. There isn't enough knowledge to form an opinion.

What I'm talking about is when you know someone well enough to have an opinion and you choose apathy. This is a weakness of character that harms you and the person you dismiss. Here is why.

Everyone has a certain amount of value. Completely ignoring the value in another person shows weakness in judgment on your part. When you dismiss someone as inconsequential, when you talk to them but you don't give them your attention, when you take them for granted, you are making a serious error in judgment. You are showing that you don't find value where this value, you are demonstrating your laxity, your negligent slumber, your basic inability to find, seek and cultivate good.

Or, taken the other way, you are putting up with some evil, something damaging. If they are a bad person or a bad person for you and you feel nothing then you are accepting (even passively) this evil and not opposing it. That is equally wrong.

I don't believe everything in life is so black and white, but I think regarding people we should have a definite and clearly defined position regarding them. If you don't every interaction will be plagued by indecisiveness, and even worse, you may seriously misjudge the status of the relationship with disastrous effects....either accepting what you shouldn't, or not accepting what you should.

Apathy shows a complete disregard for truth, a mental laziness, an indolence bordering on criminal, but this is not only because of what it does to you...think about the effect of this sort of behavior on another person. When someone is reaching out to you in any capacity and you merely put up with them, you simply tolerate them, think what goes on in their mind. I had a friend that I tolerated in high school, he was a nice but awkward kid and I was too nice to tell him I didn't enjoy his company...I tolerated him. I wasn't completely apathetic because I felt bad for him, but I certainly wasn't his friend and he thought I was. That wasn't good for him. I probably limited him in searching for truer better friends. I certainly didn't treat him as an equal, because frankly, I didn't care. If he had said "we're no longer friends" I would have said good riddance and not thought twice. That was a serious error on my part.

Everyone wants to feel valued. Everyone wants to feel loved. When we are apathetic towards someone we hurt some that person at a very personal and self-defining level. And here is something you have to remember, you can't hurt another person that way without taking a toll on your own soul. It eats at you, you don't feel right, you know there is something off in your life (this is of course if you're a good person, if you aren't you probably don't care).

Whether you don't treat someone as they deserve because you truly don't care, or whether you don't treat someone as they deserve because you feel something negative and you're too afraid to do right by them, it doesn't matter, you'll feel something wrong and you won't be at peace (at least in my own experience) until you make things right.

One thing that always will stand out to me was a talk given by President Hinckley where he said "there is too much meanness, too much bitterness, we must be kind, we must love." I paraphrased that but that was his general message. We need to stop being mean and hurting each other. I realize that this may sound strange coming from someone as notoriously sarcastic as me, but, although I'm quite sarcastic, I don't think I'm ever mean. I often joke, I often point out mistakes, but I don't think I ever do so in a mean way. It just isn't in my nature (and if I've ever come across that way I apologize).

Both my brothers are similar to me in this area. They are two of the best people I know. They are genuinely good people. My ex-sister in law used to call them "elitist Campbell males" (I probably was included in that group too) and think of us as fault finding cynical people ready to bash people over the head with words....but in reality both my brothers are often misunderstood. And to be honest, I think it's a character flaw if someone can't see the good in them and misperceives their kind-hearted joking for maliciousness.

Judging people accurately requires discernment, it is important that we see evil for what it is, and also good (as in the case of my brothers) as it is, even if it comes across coarsely. Misjudging someone is often the demonstration of a flaw in the self.

I have misjudged many people and I feel bad about that. There are good people I've underestimated and bad people I've valued too highly, but I'm getting better. I think the truly defining character that one must look for is meanness, whether that person is truly intending to hurt someone. People like this need to be removed from our lives. President Hinckley was right, there is too much meanness, this needs to be discerned and abandoned.

But even worse than meanness is apathy. Apathy doesn't even make it to hate, it just sits there below the surface, hidden, and all the while wearing away at both the apathetic person and the object of their disregard (if that's not a pleonasm).

I'm almost out of words. I better stop.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!

(2000 words (including these)).