Russell's Valediction and a Clarification

This is a reworking of a post that was posted for about as long as it takes to post a post. Post posting I realized I didn't like the post so I've reposted...now with better narrative.

Yesterday I read a portion of Bertrand Russell's autobiography. for those of you who don't know who he is he is one of the father's of modern logic. He did more to provide a logical foundation for mathematics than just about anyone else (excluding Gottlob Frege).

This is what he wrote about his life:

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy—ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness—that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what—at last—I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.
Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

For some reason when I read that I was really impressed by it. I think there is a lot that we can learn about life from people on their way out of it. When someone is dying they can't help but evaluate what life means, what was really important, what they regretted, what they would have done better. I think dying with dignity might be one of the most impressive feats anyone can accomplish. If you can look over your life and say "it was good, I'd do it again" then you've certainly done something right.

That's one thing that I often think about: how the termination of life gives it meaning. We are all living while the clock is ticking. Now, I'm not giving some carpe diem speech...and I'm not certainly not going wallow in any of those trite maxims that people send to each other in chain emails that go something like "make the most out of every second" and remind us of inane things like "it's not about counting the days, it's about making the days count....or that other one I can never remember that goes something like "it's not about the breaths but the moments that take your breath away" ... that's not what I'm talking about.

No, that sorta stuff drives me crazy. It's pop-philosophy that tries to pass off weak ideas by stating them in symmetrical ways.

What I'm talking about is how the nature of death gives meaning to life. This is a simple idea and much different than those maxims I just mentioned. Those maxims carry urgency and say what you you should do (namely, make the most out of life). In philosophy they call this the "is/ought" distinction. What I'm trying to say is what is, those maxims say the "ought."

Anyway, on to death defining life. To explore this idea I'm going to imagine what my life would be like without the possibility of death. What would I do differently? Well, for starters I'd take my time doing everything. And I'd certainly make my decisions faster...like the law school choice. If I could live forever I'd be in law school now with no regrets. Because if I didn't like it I could just walk away from it and do something else, and I'd have lost nothing.

You might argue that I can do that now (go to law school and walk away from it), but I don't see it as being the same sort of choice. A person that will live forever gets every experience for free. What do I mean by this? Well, when I choose to go to school I'm not only paying for that experience with tuition...I'm also paying for that experience with a portion of my painfully finite life. Everything I do is bought with my time, and my time is a non-renewable resource. Even though I don't know how much time I have (which is why most of us squander our time) I do know it is in limited supply. My limited supply forces me to make value judgments before experience (because experiences cost time).

An infinite life would not bind me in this way. I could carelessly choose any course, and correct that course as needed. In my current mortal situation, I can correct my course, but I have already paid for that mistaken path with a portion of my life I'll never get back.

Nearly everyone goes through life with a sense of urgency because they know (even if they don't think it consciously) that they have a short stay here and they need to make the most of it. This is why people often jump to decisions before they're ready to make them. We all live our lives with the inevitability of our death hanging over us and this often causes us to shoot from the hip....when we should probably take our time and aim carefully.

Now, I'm probably too far to the other extreme. I am a methodical perfectionist (bad combination). I go through life slowly. But so far, each step (although each step took me forever) has been a good one. I've plodded a very careful life that I'm proud of. I wish I could have done it faster, but I don't think I could have done as good a job if I'd done it quickly. I know so many people that seem bound by necessities they've placed upon themselves because they've rushed too quickly to the end.

I think of my mission, I left way older than most, but I left at the right time. If I had left sooner I wouldn't have had the breadth of experience that I brought to my mission that made me get so much out of it. Learning increases exponentially when one is prepared. I was prepared, and as a result, I learned more then than I have at any other time in my life. I know so many missionaries that didn't get very much out of their short two years...they brought little to the table and they took little from it. This is a tragedy....and I blame urgency. People make decisions (such as missionary service) without fully understanding why, but they jump in anyway (with their eyes closed) because they need to stay ahead of that ever ticking clock.

I think similarly about my education. I know so many people that blazed through school and got nothing out of it. They were focusing on time and they didn't get the experience. They got an education but they didn't become educated. They saw the experience as a hoop, as a thing they just needed to do, and as a result they now have meaningless diplomas. An education should do more than just fill your head with knowledge. And an education should certainly be more than just a necessary step to a good paying job. (Believe me, you can make money without going to school). An education should teach you how to learn, it should make you a better person. It should help you see the world in new and exciting ways....but sadly, for most, an education is simply a means to an end.

But what is this end? It seems like we all move forward saying "when this happens I'll be happy"...but I don't think a specific end leads to happiness. Happiness is in the procedure, not the end. Happiness if found while seeking some other (often noble) thing.

I guess my main point is this. Death hangs over us, and it forces us to use our time carefully. But it seems like, rather than slowing us down so we make good decisions, it makes most people rush forward and make decisions they regret. It's sorta like a musician that is so nervous about making a mistake that they make a mistake. We're so afraid to waste our lives that we waste our lives.

Looking back I'm grateful I took so long to serve a mission. Also, I'm grateful I took the time to develop a love for learning (thereby acquiring a real education).

So, what happens when we look back during those final moments at the twilight of our lives? Well, from what I've seen people audit themselves. They take an accounting, and they usually decide what had value and what didn't. They evaluate what they bought with their precious time and determine what was worthwhile...and when they're doing this I seriously doubt many people say "I"m so glad I graduated in 4 years so I could spend 44 years in the work force instead of 40." But I do think many people look back at their college years, when they were young and bright and learning so much, and wonder if they'd taken all they could from the experience.

**note: there are some things that are on a definite timeline and delaying those decisions is a bad idea. Often, people wait so long to make a decision that the decision is made for them. Don't do this. **

Anyway, I hope we all take our time to make good decisions. I'm not talking about procrastination (and I recognize this is a slippery slope). What I'm talking about is taking the time necessary to enjoy life, to not let the finitude of life create regrets.

I hope we can all walk out of this life feeling like we invested our time well. I think Russell felt that way. I hope to be able to say the same.

p.s. I am 294 words over...but I quoted Russell. My initial promise was that I wouldn't write 2000 or more words. I copy and pasted what Russell said so I'm okay with this.

p.p.s. The clarification:

My apathy post a few days ago has caused a few people to ask me if I was referring to them. I find this very strange. I've had to go over the last conversations I've had with these people and try to figure out how they could even imagine for a second that they were treating me in such a way...that's a curiosity that I'll think about later. Let me just say this: if you are worried that I was referring to you then you're not apathetic. But honestly, I wasn't trying to write anything of that sort, I only mentioned an experience to illustrate a problem, not complain.

The apathy I'm talking about is someone who feels nothing regarding another person. If you feel bad, even guilt, that is a feeling. Now, one might argue that the person might feel apathy toward the person but guilt at doing something wrong, but even that thought process presupposes that their connection to that person can evoke emotion. I think I need to be clear that the apathy I was discussing was far more sinister than that. It was a complete lack of caring. Now, everyone varies on this scale in all their relationships, we all go through phases where we care more and we care less. The situation I was describing had no variance, it was the complete neglect of another person.

And here's a slight confession about the experience I mentioned...I used the passive voice in describing that conversation for a reason: because the apathy I mentioned wasn't actually directed at me (but I was a member in the discussion).

The situation was this: There were 4 of us. The gender grouping was 2 male 2 female. 1 male (a good friend of mine) was interested in one of the girls. Said girl was more than rude to him: she was apathetic. She's a friend too and this really bothered me. It was sad to see her treat him so despicably, and it was pitiable to see him put up with it. I felt the apathy, even if only indirectly, and it was really hard to put up with. The moment I noticed how the conversation was going I excused myself and took my friend with me. I thought about why that conversation bothered me so much for the rest of the day (I did other things of course, but I reflected on this when I was walking) and I decided that the situation was so distasteful because of the apathy...which led to the post.

My intent here is to write about good things, to try to put down my thoughts concisely, and even to work out some solutions to problems....not to criticize friends.

Anyway, hope that clears things up. I try to leave some things anonymous on this blog because they're often relatively personal, but I realize that that might lead to some painful ambiguity, as that post has demonstrated. I'm sorry for any frustration I might have caused.