Deep Thoughts

When I was in the MTC I met a missionary who liked those Deep Thoughts that Jack Handy used to do on Saturday Night Live. I had a whole bunch of them memorized, and he did too, so we'd share them with each other and laugh a lot. For those of you who have never heard any of them here are a few of the gems:

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When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it will turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Dad always thought laugheter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attatched to the end of a long stick.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

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So, some people think those are funny, I find them hilarious. Anyway, when I was in the MTC I decided to make some of my own...Mormon style. Here are some of the ones I came up with:

Deep Thoughts: By Elder Handy

If Nephi was born of badly parents the Book of Mormon would have started very differently.

When Alma the Younger went on a mission he was called Elder The Younger

If God had a pet dog I bet his name would be Kolob.

Next time you go to a Halloween Stake Dance you should go dressed as Captain Moroni, cause if he could make the very powers of hell be shaken forever he must have been a real good dancer.

I bet it's hard to meet girls when your name is Shiblon.

When in Nauvoo, do as the Nauvians

I bet the Urim and Thummim would make you a killer card player.

I wonder if there were sports teams in the Book of Mormon. If there were I bet the Nephi-Lehis and the Anti-Nephi Lehis were cross town rivals.

I feel sorry for all the kids who tried to eat popcorn off the apricot tree.

Nephi should have made a workout video, he could have called it "Being Large in Stature."

What is the nature of God? Everyone seems to think this is a difficult question. Well, it's pretty simple really. He created everything, so the trees, the birds, it's all God's nature.

Nephi should make a record on golden plates of good pick up lines. For example, one could be: "Hello daughter of Israel, I beheld you standing there and saw you are exceedingly fine."

The tree of good and evil should quit riding the fence. I mean, come on tree, make up your mind. Are you good or evil?

I hope I don't die until the millennium, or even longer--whichever happens first.

If I were the young men's president in Ancient American times I would sure hate to have Laman and Lemuel in my Sunday School class.

If I were the prophet I'd have a book called "See I Told You So."

Every time I sing that song "The Daughter's of Zion" I think to myself, "Adam gave up a rib so we could sing this crap."

What was the preexistence like? Well to find out yo must look at the words that make it up: preex and istence. What do these words mean? We'll never know, it's the same for the preexistence.



Okay, so that is what I did in the MTC. Looking back they're not as funny as I remembered. But hey, I was only 20 and my sense of humor hadn't matured yet to the bright shining sun of wit I currently enjoy :)