Not Feeling Well

So, today my hands are shaky, my brain feels sorta cloudy--kinda like I just woke up--, and my mouth is really dry. I'm pretty sure that's all my symptoms. If anyone wants to hazard a diagnosis...go for it. And just so you know I've ruled out the following:

Split personality
Cancer
HIV
Mono
Government performing tests on me while I sleep
Head trauma
Parasite
Radiation poisoning
Appendicitis
Poison steadily administered by a roommate
Cleaning my apartment (yeah, it's really clean now...floors sparkling)
Aspergers syndrome
Biological warfare
Lupus (it's never lupus)
Bad acid trip.

So, if you have an idea that hasn't already been dismissed and placed on that list I'd be excited to hear it.

Love

In honor of Valentine's Day this weekend I thought I'd write about love. I've written about love before but in the past I've pretty much worked on its definition and limitations. That's one way to discuss love, but it's certainly not the most romantic way to discuss love. I mean, if you told someone you loved them using the definitions and limitations I've discussed previously it would go something like this:

"I have a strong disinterested feeling of affection in which you are end in yourself, resulting in my nearly constant contemplation of your welfare. Additionally, I desire to be in your company with greater frequency--far greater frequency than anyone else I associate with."

I'm pretty sure if you told a girl that she'd be weak in the knees and say something like:

"I reciprocate your feelings and return them in kind. Furthermore, I appreciate your candor and precision in expressing your feelings. I posit that we determine ways of synchronizing our lives, and do so under covenant, so that we might grow together in our feelings and raise a family under the blessed rays of said covenant."

Okay, that's it, I'm gonna write a romantic comedy.

Alright, this post will avoid the analytic approach I've taken in the past (and that leads to the above conversation (and my being accused of overthinking)). This post will use an approach philosophers often ingore: phenomenology.

Phenomenology is the branch of philosophy that studies the experience of something. Phenomenology doesn't try to explain things as they are irrespective of human experience, phenomenology tries to explain things through human experience. Both phenomenology and the more objective aspects of philosophy teach us about a thing, but they come at it in completely different ways. Today, we'll use the phenomenological (and likely more romantic) approach.

So, what will this approach entail? Well, in order to explain love in this way I'll have to describe my experience of love, and then, from that, try to say what love is. So, that's how I'll have to go about this post. This is a lot harder, and infinitely more personal, but I'll see what I can do.

(note: this approach is often less comprehensive because I can only deal with instances of the thing (in this case love) while traditional analytic philosophy finds general rules that apply in multiple cases....so if I miss anything just remember that's part of the game. It's not my intent to get everything, just paint a picture of an experience).

Love (in my experience).

Initially when you're in love you feel a general feeling of excitement. Everything in your life seems new and bright. You think things like "A long time ago when I was a kid I used to enjoy flying kites. I'd love to share that with her....I know! I'm going to take her to fly a kite!" When you're in love you just want to take everything in your life and do it all over again, because everything is sweeter and new when you do it with the person you love. (this is why most dates are often very childish activities.)

Your mind is sort of chained to an idea of the person. This is the whole "I can't stop thinking about you" aspect of love. When you love someone it seems like every idea, everything you see and experience seems to tie into that person. You see a bench in a park and it reminds you of sitting together with the person you love and the conversation you had there. You see a brand of hot chocolate and you think of the time you played out in the snow and then came home and made hot chocolate together. Everything in your life in some way comes back to the idea of that person, and strangely, this doesn't get old.

You want to do kind things for them. Your happiest moments come when you are able to show the person you love how you feel through some action. Even things you usually hate (like proof reading a paper or fixing a computer problem) seem enjoyable, because that person is the reason for the action, and your love for them makes nearly any action where they are the end a pleasant one.

When you're around them your heart rate increases. You feel slightly jittery. Sometimes you wonder if you might have a heart disorder. At other times you're so excited when you're around them that you lose your appetite, and then you wonder if you might have an eating disorder...basically, you're just so energized by the idea of them that your vegetative functions such as heart rate, breathing....even sleep, all start to go out of whack. This is why Dr. Seuss said the following:

"you know when you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

When you love someone (at least in a good way) your thoughts become elevated. You want to be a better person so that you can be a better person for the person you love. You are a little kinder, a little softer, you are a little more patient. At first you're just these things toward the person you love, but in time you realize how good those feelings are and you begin to treat other people in similar ways.

When you're in love you do dumb things, but they don't seem dumb. You say things that are just flat out dumb, but they find them endearing, then they say something you would scoff in anyone else and for some reason that idea is strangely appealing. Everything they say to you and you say to them is interpreted in the softest and kindest light; in this one aspect of your life the other person always interprets your actions as fundamentally good.

Anyway, that's a snapshot of the phenomena of love. I'm sure I left things out, but that wasn't my intent really, I just wanted to describe the experience. What is interesting is that describing the experience shows how in so many ways the experience transcends the substance from which it comes.

Oh, class is over, I'll finish this later.

Alright, back. Anyway, what you notice here is that the experience of love often changes and heightens the qualities that make up our experience. In short, love makes a regular experience a great one, it makes a weakness endearing etc.

So, taking the phenomenological approach we now need to figure out what to do with the information we've gained from studying experience. Here's what I've come up with.

I think the main lesson to be learned from the phenomenological approach is that we shouldn't plan, we shouldn't make lists. When it comes to people we should really measure the experience. Now, of course there are some qualities that should be deal breakers, but overall, it seems like two good people shouldn't have too much to worry about in compatibility. I know I have made some mistakes in this area. I originally dated almost scientifically. I would go on dates and pay attention to qualities I liked, I would note qualities I disliked, and I created the perfect girl in my head....I had a mental list of what she would be like, and what it would be like to meet her.

What has thrown me for a loop has been the times when I've met someone that was nothing like my list, when I've met someone completely different from what I thought I wanted...but the experience was good. Many times I would question the compatibility. I would think "if she doesn't have this quality it won't last." Or I'd think "if she can't do this well won't I get bored with her." I think these might be the wrong concerns. If the phenomenological approach teaches us anything about love its that love is greater than the sum of its parts (I would say synergistic but I really hate that word). So, if you judge whether you should love someone by a list of qualities you're judging the wrong thing, because the experience will be more than the items on your list. So, if you try to find love by a list your method is flawed, pure and simple.

It's important to have an idea of what you want, and look in those areas for someone to love. But ultimately, you should be willing to abandon that list (in all the small areas...if you enjoy being around a murderer you might want to abandon that good experience (and leave town)). This is a scary thing to do for some because it's a tremendous risk to love someone, and to take that risk without the benefit of logic guiding the decision. But this is an area where logic isn't very effective (the lists we make are logical premises, if the premises (lists) are abandoned, you have no argument....and no logic).

So, my advice is to measure the experience. If someone's company makes you happier seek out their company. If someone makes you feel inferior or bad avoid their company. Throw out your ideas of how things should be and stop and think about how things actually are. If someone makes you happy and they are a good person that should be enough.

This is why its so frustrating to explain to some people why I'm not attracted to someone. I often talk with my parents and they say "what about that girl that likes you, why don't you like her?" And then I tell them that I don't like being around her. Then they say "but she has this quality and this quality and she does this, and she's pretty, why don't you like her?" And I just have to shrug and say"the experience is bad." This is the corollary of what I wrote earlier: if the experience can be better than the sum of its parts...sometimes the experience is also less than the sum of its parts.

Anyway, that's what I take from all this. I just had this realization recently. I think I've looked for the wrong thing for a long time. I would meet a girl and think about 10 years down the road. Id ask myself if she was smart enough, whether we'd have smart kids, whether she'd be a good mother etc. And while these things are important, they can't substitute for the experience, that has to be the thing that ultimately determines the decision. If the experience is good, most other things will fall into place. And when you think too much about everything going right, you often ruin the experience (as I so often do) and cause things to not go right. So, I guess the end message here is that in matters of love, trust how you feel, and act on those feelings. Embrace the good feelings and explore them. Don't second guess because of some particular quality you never expected in someone. Just go for it and see how things fall...because if the relationship is good, and the person is good, everything else can work out.

Well, that's all I got. I hope everyone has a wonderful day, a great weekend, and that they find someone they care about to spend this time of year with.

With love,
Danny/Dan/Daniel/DC....whatever

p.s. What's happened? I've actually embraced Valentine's Day. Never thought the day would come.

Valentine's Day

I honestly wasn't planning on doing anything for this Valentine's Day. I was going to do my date for the week (hopefully far enough in advance to take all Valentine's Day pressure off the activity) and call it good. But, someone planned out an activity for me...so I guess I will do something this year and I won't have the day off. Last Valentine's was pretty fun, my roommate (Jason) and I did a goofy date (took our dates to the hospital (for food) then went to the dollar store). The year before that I also did a goofy date (my friend Ted and I took dressed up like hicks (and so did our dates) and we went to eat at The Golden Corral). This year I'm going to go to some comedy show...not along the trend of past years but I guess it will work for the weekly date.

Valentine's Day always gets me thinking. As a single's person its sorta like a report card for your new year's resolutions. Here's why:

You have the holidays. Holidays are spent with family. Family is built around married people. So, single people become painfully aware they're single. As for myself, I used to never even notice this. It wasn't until this past year that I really even became open to the idea of a relationship. So, it was with great pain that I watched everyone I know and love enjoy the holidays as couples while I became the strange single outlier. I still had fun, but I was very aware for the first time of my need to commit and take the eternal plunge (sounds pretty melodramatic worded that way).

Anyway, I think most single people in my position have a similar thought process...but I could be way off. So, what happens then is people have new years come around, they realize they have no one they really want to kiss that year, and they resolve to find someone to kiss for next year (it's an important tradition).

So, by the end of January everyone has started to slack on their ridiculous new years goals....and then February comes around and those goals are all but forgotten. But then, right when you begin to forget all those promises made to yourself, Valentine's Day comes around and it's like a Chocolate covered slap to the face. You once again become aware of your neglect in romantic areas, your failure to commit or whatever it may be, and then you once again resolve to figure something out.....so, that's why Valentine's day is like a report card. And, sorry to say it, but I think I'm failing my classes. I have a few people who'd like to have me enroll, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna take the semester off. And this metaphor is getting pretty convoluted now so I'm gonna drop it.

Anyway, on the topic of Valentine's Day, here is something I've been thinking about lately...the thin line between love and hate.

It's sorta like there are two parts of the brain, one part for intense emotions and the other part for calm emotions. So, while it would make sense to think that love and hate are at opposite ends of the spectrum, in reality they are quite close. So, what is the opposite of both love and hate? Apathy. Pure and simple. Nothing hurts worse than someone who doesn't care.

I've rarely experienced apathy from other people. Maybe I've been lucky, maybe it's my personality type, but I've usually been someone people liked, and I've had a few people hate me, but I've rarely had anyone apathetic toward me.

Just recently I had a conversation where I felt apathy, where I could really tell someone didn't care. I rarely lose my temper....but I did then. The moment I picked up on the apathy I ended the conversation.

I began to think about this and I began to wonder if I've ever been that disrespectful to anyone. I am pretty sure I don't do this. I generally have an opinion on people, I either like them or I don't (although the nature of the "like" is often uncertain). This can be a problem because I can come across as judgmental, but everyone I know is sorted carefully...and I avoid the dangerous middle ground of apathy as much as possible.

I think it's important that we determine how we feel about people and act accordingly. It's just diminishing to someone's humanity to not give them the respect of determining what they mean to you. Not even giving someone the courtesy of disliking them or liking them...just leaving them as someone so unimportant that they sit in some undefined region...that is flat out wrong.

This is why there are the extremes. This is why people usually are inclined toward like or dislike. And this is why there is nothing more hurtful than going from caring someone to ignoring someone. This is why someone saying "you are now dead to me" is way worse than someone saying "I hate you." If someone hates you they at least have feelings regarding you.

The question then is what is the proper response to apathy? In my opinion it's apathy. If you care about someone who loves you it is rewarding, if you care about someone who hates you it is painful, but if you care about someone who feels nothing for you...that's demeaning. That lessens your concept of self. It degrades you in a way that is truly unhealthy.

I realize that it is an oversimplification to categorize all relationships in 3 ways: love, hate, and apathy. I realize that there are varying degrees, and that we often feel a complex jumble of emotions. I'm only simplifying the three relational perspectives for ease in discussion.

But, continuing on...something that it is important to remember is what apathy does to the person...both the person feeling apathy and the person receiving it....it is very damaging to both.

Of course, there are many people you'll meet that you have no contact with and these people don't really fit into the equation...you can have some sort of good will for all men (or follow Christ's commandment to love your neighbor) but there is nothing felt towards these people resembling any of the three emotions, they are neutral, not apathetic. There isn't enough knowledge to form an opinion.

What I'm talking about is when you know someone well enough to have an opinion and you choose apathy. This is a weakness of character that harms you and the person you dismiss. Here is why.

Everyone has a certain amount of value. Completely ignoring the value in another person shows weakness in judgment on your part. When you dismiss someone as inconsequential, when you talk to them but you don't give them your attention, when you take them for granted, you are making a serious error in judgment. You are showing that you don't find value where this value, you are demonstrating your laxity, your negligent slumber, your basic inability to find, seek and cultivate good.

Or, taken the other way, you are putting up with some evil, something damaging. If they are a bad person or a bad person for you and you feel nothing then you are accepting (even passively) this evil and not opposing it. That is equally wrong.

I don't believe everything in life is so black and white, but I think regarding people we should have a definite and clearly defined position regarding them. If you don't every interaction will be plagued by indecisiveness, and even worse, you may seriously misjudge the status of the relationship with disastrous effects....either accepting what you shouldn't, or not accepting what you should.

Apathy shows a complete disregard for truth, a mental laziness, an indolence bordering on criminal, but this is not only because of what it does to you...think about the effect of this sort of behavior on another person. When someone is reaching out to you in any capacity and you merely put up with them, you simply tolerate them, think what goes on in their mind. I had a friend that I tolerated in high school, he was a nice but awkward kid and I was too nice to tell him I didn't enjoy his company...I tolerated him. I wasn't completely apathetic because I felt bad for him, but I certainly wasn't his friend and he thought I was. That wasn't good for him. I probably limited him in searching for truer better friends. I certainly didn't treat him as an equal, because frankly, I didn't care. If he had said "we're no longer friends" I would have said good riddance and not thought twice. That was a serious error on my part.

Everyone wants to feel valued. Everyone wants to feel loved. When we are apathetic towards someone we hurt some that person at a very personal and self-defining level. And here is something you have to remember, you can't hurt another person that way without taking a toll on your own soul. It eats at you, you don't feel right, you know there is something off in your life (this is of course if you're a good person, if you aren't you probably don't care).

Whether you don't treat someone as they deserve because you truly don't care, or whether you don't treat someone as they deserve because you feel something negative and you're too afraid to do right by them, it doesn't matter, you'll feel something wrong and you won't be at peace (at least in my own experience) until you make things right.

One thing that always will stand out to me was a talk given by President Hinckley where he said "there is too much meanness, too much bitterness, we must be kind, we must love." I paraphrased that but that was his general message. We need to stop being mean and hurting each other. I realize that this may sound strange coming from someone as notoriously sarcastic as me, but, although I'm quite sarcastic, I don't think I'm ever mean. I often joke, I often point out mistakes, but I don't think I ever do so in a mean way. It just isn't in my nature (and if I've ever come across that way I apologize).

Both my brothers are similar to me in this area. They are two of the best people I know. They are genuinely good people. My ex-sister in law used to call them "elitist Campbell males" (I probably was included in that group too) and think of us as fault finding cynical people ready to bash people over the head with words....but in reality both my brothers are often misunderstood. And to be honest, I think it's a character flaw if someone can't see the good in them and misperceives their kind-hearted joking for maliciousness.

Judging people accurately requires discernment, it is important that we see evil for what it is, and also good (as in the case of my brothers) as it is, even if it comes across coarsely. Misjudging someone is often the demonstration of a flaw in the self.

I have misjudged many people and I feel bad about that. There are good people I've underestimated and bad people I've valued too highly, but I'm getting better. I think the truly defining character that one must look for is meanness, whether that person is truly intending to hurt someone. People like this need to be removed from our lives. President Hinckley was right, there is too much meanness, this needs to be discerned and abandoned.

But even worse than meanness is apathy. Apathy doesn't even make it to hate, it just sits there below the surface, hidden, and all the while wearing away at both the apathetic person and the object of their disregard (if that's not a pleonasm).

I'm almost out of words. I better stop.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!

(2000 words (including these)).

Hand Holding

Here's the story.

Last Sunday was fast and testimony meeting. I sat next to a friend and asked her how her weekend went. She said it was pretty good. I asked what she did. She said "Well, I can't remember what I did Friday....oh wait! I went on a date, it must have been very memorable." Then she clarified and said "actually it was pretty enjoyable." I asked what she did on the date and she said she went ice skating.

My response was then "oh, so he held your hand."

She said "yeah, he held my hand, I didn't really want to hold his hand, but he did it in a cute way so I felt I had to."

I asked what the cute way was and she said "well, he said 'it's not safe to cross the street without holding someone's hand and then he grabbed my my hand."

I was expecting something more impressive (and it didn't make sense cause they weren't crossing a street) and I guess my unimpressedness showed on my face (I know that's not a word). So, she said "well, I'd like to see you come up something better."

Okay, so first off I doubt that guy thought of that line on his own, but regardless, I had a challenge here and I wasn't about to run from it. So, I spent about 5 to 10 minutes and came up with a few cheesey lines one could use to bamboozle a girl into holding your hand. Here's the list:

Chapter 1 (chapters probably not necessary but nice for dramatic effect).

1) That's a nice CTR ring, can I see it? No, you don't need to take it off. Here, give me your hand....

2) What's your favorite Beatles song? Mine is "I Want to Hold Your Hand."

3) I can read palms...here, let me see your hand. Oh wow! Look what it says right there....

--what does it say?--

It says "hold me."

4) --Grab her hand-- There! Now we can count to 20!

5) You say "I hate pick up lines, if a guy wants to hold a girl's hand he should just do this --then hold her hand--.

6) I may not be handsome...but here's some hand.

7) Did you know that there's a tribe in Africa that has a custom where when a warrior sees a girl he likes he grabs her hand like this, and then....well, I can't remember how the rest of it goes....

8) Did you know you have a pressure point in your hand? If you press it it feels really nice. Here, let me see your hand. Well, I can't find it but this feels nice anyway.

9) When you were little and you crossed the street with your Mom, what did your mom say before you crossed the street? (hopefully she says hold my hand....she might say "look both ways" if she does I'm sorry, it won't work)

"my mom always said hold my hand."

Okay! Don't mind if I do!

10) Give me a high five! Give me a low five! Give me a spoon five!

Wait, what's a spoon five?

Hold her hand "that's a spoon five" (hands spooning)

11) You're really pretty, I'm sorta nervous, it's making me shake a little, here, feel my hand (only works for timid people).

12) Do you ever lie? Really? When was the last time you held someone's hand?

(whatever she says)

[then grab her hand]

Well, I know that's not true.

13) And then the classic.....hold her hand and say something sweet.

14) (here is one I didn't make up) "Wow, your hand looks heavy. Let me help you carry it."

Okay, that's most of them. I made a list up to 20 but I'm sorta tired of typing.

Have a super day!

Stream of Consciousness: Cleanliness, Pride, and Marriage

Well, here's just a general outline of what's going on in my head this morning:

Cleanliness:

I have a very messy room right now. I need to do laundry. I have very strange laundry habits....everything I own is in laundry baskets (4 of them). My baskets are labeled 1) dirty white 2) clean white 3) dirty dark 4) clean dark. When all of the laundry is in the dirty dark and dirty white baskets (they match up perfectly) I do laundry and have all clean white and dark...and then repeat the cycle.

Unfortunately, this makes my room look pretty messy...and it also makes my clothes often come out wrinkled. However, I have my ways of getting wrinkles out without using an iron (something I'm morally opposed to).

This got me to thinking about my overall cleanliness. Let me tell you a bit about my history in this area.

When I was young I had a messy room. A very messy room. One day parents forced me to clean that room. I spent the entire day cleaning and I swore to myself I'd never have a messy room again. I became a neat freak. And, since I'm not very good at moderation, I became so clean it was unhealthy. My perfectionist tendencies led to me becoming slightly (maybe not slightly) OCD. Soon, everything in my room had to be in the exact right spot, if someone was in my room I could tell. I had to have everything pristine, vacuumed, and where I had left it....the only thing I never did was dust (dust was how I could tell if someone had moved something).

I went on this way for years. But, it all came to a head when one night I was staying the night at my Grandma's house and I began to worry about whether or not my room was clean while I was gone. I thought about this for a second and realized that was a crazy thought. I began to be a little bit scared so I decided to fight my OCD. I talked with Garett about it and he recommended that I leave one object out of place until I was comfortable with it. So, I did this. Every day I'd try to a little bit more messy.

At first I just left one thing out. I would often stare at it sitting on my pristine floor and I'd fight the urge to put it away. Soon I was able to tolerate two things, then three, then I could even leave my bed unmade...In time, through hard work and dedication, I was successful: I became messy (but healthy-minded).

So, I hope that if you ever see my room you don't see clothes stacked up and items out of place. I hope you don't see " just another messy guy's apartment." Instead, I hope you see a wonderful success story. I hope you see me overcoming my negative tendencies. In fact, when you see my room, I hope you see a testament to the triumph of the human spirit.

Pride:
I'm stupid. Really, I am. Last night my roommate asked if I was hungry, and I was, so we went to get food. Now, he's from Mexico...he puts hot sauce on everything. I also like hot sauce on everything. So, we went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. So authentic in fact that I couldn't order for myself cause no one spoke English. So authentic that it was next door to an outdoor market. So authentic that while you eat they have Mexican soap operas playing on a big screen (crazy soap operas by the way...I saw a monkey balancing on a beam wearing a funny hat while a lady with bandages on her head weeped and a man dressed like a robot played a ukulele--I'll never be the same). Anyway, this place was very authentic.

When I got inside I ordered my meal by pointing. I know what a torta is (sandwich) so I got one. I pointed at the appropriate one and the guy looked at me like "yeah right, pick another." I insisted and he made the motion pointing to his tongue and waved at it like he was fanning flames and said caliente! caliente! I nodded and said "I know." He looked at me again, noticed my obvious extra white man status and shook his head again. My roommate took over for me at this point and explained in Spanish that I was aware of the spiciness and I was okay with it. The guy still looked at me skeptically, but he relented (I think he was afraid I wouldn't be able to eat it and I'd complain or something).

Anyway, my roommate ordered the same thing and soon our food was brought out. They brought out our sandwiches with the hot sauce on the side (those careful people). They gave both of us a bowl filled with the hot sauce they'd normally drench the sandwich in....they gave us quite a lot. I'm pretty sure the bowl had way more hot sauce than the sandwich could handle if they had poured it on. Anyway we got started eating.

My roommate started to pour the hotsauce on...as he poured a little he looked at me, I poured a little and I looked at him, we kept on going back and forth until basically the whole bowl was empty and our sandwiches were completely saturated in hot sauce. Then he took a bite and he said "oh man, this is really hot!" I took a bite and I agreed...but it was tolerable so I got to work.

Now, the problem when eating really spicy foods isn't so much the spiciness in the mouth--it's what it does to your stomach. About halfway through the meal my roommate says "oh man, my stomach is turning." So far I was okay so I kept on eating. We both finished our meals (and ate all the hot sauce) and sat down and then I started to feel it. I looked at him and said "what have I done?" My stomach felt like there was a boulder in it, and the boulder wasn't stationary, it was somehow rolling in my stomach and banging around everything inside. We got home and had some ice cream (helps to dilute the spiciness) but all to no avail. I eventually went to bed and I woke up around 4 or so cause my stomach just wasn't happy.

Anyway, now I'm up, and blogging. It was really dumb to eat that much hot sauce, no one should eat that much hot sauce. I just had something to prove cause 1) that guy thought I couldn't do it cause I was white and 2) I had to have > or = to what my roommate had...there is a pecking order that must be maintained. So, I'm a stupid guy, I let my pride get in the way of my health...not the first time.

Last thing on my mind: Marriage.

Yesterday I had a very long discussion with a good friend in the philosophy major (warning: this section won't make sense to a non-Mormon so feel free to skip). He asked me the question "why do you think it's necessary to get married in this life? It seems to me that we're the least qualified to make that decision at this time, we'd make a far better choice in the life to come, so why get married now?"

I have thought about this myself. We started working it out. Here are the downsides....

When we get married now we make our decision at probably the most immature time in our lives. We're in our early twenties normally, we make the decision on things like beauty and neglect the important things like maturity, kindness, constancy, and loyalty.

Divorce rates demonstrate our own ineffectiveness in making this decision.

Marrying in this life implies it's not important who you marry. Here is why:
If compatibility for eternity was important, it would make sense to make this sort of eternal decision when you understood the consequences of eternity....when you really could see people as they are. But this way makes it so you can marry someone that's not all that good for you. So, if a poorly matched marriage lasts forever you have 2 options. Either 1) you will forever be married to someone that's not that great for you or 2) somehow it all comes out in the wash and it doesn't matter who you marry so being married for eternity to someone who wasn't the best for you in mortality isn't a problem. If it's option 1 then that's depressing and it's a bad system. If it's 2 then it doesn't matter who you marry and we place way too much emphasis on finding someone compatible (this also diminishes the uniqueness of the relationship if compatibility doesn't matter). Now one might argue that only successful marriages are eternal. But on that note, just think about this. Imagine all of the spirits that have existed on this earth, and then imagine that each is unique. Then realize you're unique. If you keep in mind that in the next life we'll know each other as we really are...without weaknesses in language, imperfections in the body, sicknesses of the mind holding us back...we could adequately evaluate the compatibility we would share with each person. Now, taking all the billions of spirits that have inhabited just this world....Okay, now what are the odds that you married the person best for you? You have better odds winning the lottery 3 times in a row. It's just not practical to think you'd find your best match---even if it is a wonderful match. So, given this system it seems that the match isn't important.

So, that's the problem. Now the question is whether or not we can find reasons to justify what seems to be an ineffective system. Here are the reasons we came up with.

1) Mortality is the most vulnerable time in your existence, this causes great danger but it also causes great advances. We grow faster in this life than we do in the next. So, if you want to grow together with someone, this is the best time to do it. In this life we're maleable and we're forging who we'll be for eternity, if we connect at this time, and start our path together, it follows that we'll grow closer than we would otherwise. It would be more difficult to have two unique and eternally independent individuals find ways to be there for each other. In eternity I'm sure people are more set in their ways, it would be harder to adapt to being with someone else at that time. Also, our vulnerability at this time forces us to rely on each other (thereby growing closer together). If there are few or no needs in the next life we could not be there for each other and grow together as a result. We're building our eternal selves now, after this life the product has already taken shape...it's far easier to install something (bad way to refer to marriage...sorry) before the project is finished than after the fact. So, marriage is better now.

2) In the words of Benedict from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing....."The world must be peopled!"

We need a way to introduce life, and although I'm sure God could do it in another way, this is the pattern he follows so we do the same.

3) We get the experience of suffering as a parent. There are some things that I don't think we understand until we're parents. Things related to love, duty, and even heartache. If these are important to learn, it's best that we do so now. And, although I'm sure we'd be better parents when we're perfect, I doubt we'd learn as much. So, the breadth of the mortal experience is increased by parenting.

4) Life would be lonely, most feel a need for companionship. It would be sad to go through life alone (although this might be because of how things as set up not why things are set up as they are).

5) We get firsthand knowledge of God's relationship to us and the divine order as we recreate it on this world.

Anyway, that's the problem and the solutions we came up with.

Alright, that's what's on my mind. You just read a ton of text. Thanks for your patience.

Oops!

Last Friday a friend showed me a very funny but slightly inappropriate song on Youtube. They showed me the video on my notebook PC. After a minute of the song I sorta got the point of it all and I closed the lid to the notebook...after about 5 seconds the laptop went into sleep mode and the song stopped.

Yesterday I was sitting in the library and I opened up the little laptop...and the slightly inappropriate song started playing the moment the lid was lifted....at probably the dirtiest part of the song.

I immediately stood up and bolted out of the study area as fast as I could as the song loudly proclaimed my less than savory music tastes to the entire library.

The big problem was my laptop was playing the song before I could log onto the computer (which would allow me to control the volume or mute the song). So, I was stuck waiting for the thing to boot up while everyone heard the very loud and inappropriate song. I tried closing the lid to make the music stop but (just as before) it took at least 5 seconds for the laptop to go back into sleep mode...song playing the whole time.

I didn't notice everyone's reaction to this ordeal when I ran out (I was too busy running) but I did notice quite a lot of smirks, smiles, and chagrin when I walked back in.

The worst part was I didn't have time to get everything squared away on the computer so I just ran over to a BYU PC. Unfortunately, right as I'm ready to print the paper I'd just written the computer booted me off and I lost everything.....so I had to rewrite the entire paper in under 30 minutes...which was very stressful.

Anyway, that was Monday. Good times. Looking back what I should have done was plug headphones into my laptop...that would have silenced the thing and allowed me to boot up without alarming the BYU authorities...oh well, live and learn I guess.

Friendship

Yesterday someone in my ward asked me if I'd give them a ride home. I said sure and we started walking to my car. As we were walking she mentioned 3 different friends and she referred to all of them as her "best friend." I of course asked her how she had more than 1 best friend. She said "well, they're best friends from different times in my life." So, I was curious as to whether or not best friends get replaced. From the way she spoke about them it sounded like best friends are always best friends, they just retire or go inactive or something.

She didn't answer if best friends get replaced. Instead she avoided the need to answer that question by saying that it's possible to have more than 1 best friend.

I wasn't sure how that was possible, so I asked her to describe the relationship she had with her best friends.

Now, as far as I could tell, what she referred to as a best friend is what I refer to as a friend.

So, this is what I'm thinking...I think there is such a thing as "friend inflation."

This is how it works. Everyone these days uses the word friend too liberally. A friend is a big deal, it's a person that is a part of your life, that you get excited to see, someone you take pains to see. An acquaintance on the other hand is someone that you enjoy to be around but aren't committed to in any way. Acquaintances are pleasant, but they're not really an integral part of your life. You could not see them again, and although you'd be sad, there wouldn't be a mourning period (and if there was it wouldn't be very long).

So, how did this inflation start? Personally I blame Facebook. Some people have over 1,000 friends. That's just not possible. You can have that many acquaintances, but there isn't enough time in a year to be a true friend to that many people. We all seem to throw around that word so much (because it is a compliment to call someone your friend) that we've diminished the word (the inflation part). So, to compensate we've all made up new words to describe our actual friends. This is why this girl was saying "best friend." She needed a word to differentiate the people she really cared about from all the acquaintances she calls friends.

I don't know how far this trend is gonna go. Maybe someday I'll have to refer to my friends as "super duper bestest friend even if I live a million years." But that is kinda laborious. I think we should just have a friend recession, use the word less frequently, and then maybe return to using it in it's original meaning.

I do believe best friends exist, but these aren't people that you meet very often. I think someone is very lucky if they have one best friend in a lifetime. I'm talking about someone that really brightens your life, has been a part of your life for years. This is someone that not only says they'll be for you....but someone that has been there for you. This is the type of friendship rooted in genuine love. Where you both honestly care about each other in a way that isn't selfish, in a way that isn't needy....you just care about the person as if they were an end in themselves.

I don't think many people are capable of the purest form of friendship because, to be honest, this type of friendship is rooted in being a good person. But not only that, it requires a sort of self-reflection. It requires you to be aware of the good in you and the good in that other person, and how the two are complimentary, and how both your lives are enriched by the association.

How many people do you know like that? If you do have multiple friends of that type you're the luckiest person I can imagine. And if you do have many friends like that make sure you treat them well. True friendship is a gift, and sadly, it's a gift that (if unappreciated) diminishes.

That's an interesting thing about caring about things. To care about something isn't merely to desire it...it's to also be aware that you desire it. Caring is self-reflective. It is possible to spend a lot of quality time with someone, love their companionship more than anything, and never realize what they mean to you. This often happens when the relationship ends in some way. I know I've made this mistake in the past. It's really a curious thing. This is the problem of not caring. You see, it's possible to have all the materials of an ideal relationship, but if both people don't recognize that the materials are there, if they don't reflect on them and savor their connection in their mind....if they don't identify and label the relationship, and then takes steps to cultivate it...then the relationship isn't anything more than a mere acquaintance.

It's sorta strange that true friendship is a sort of fabricated thing. Of course it starts naturally, but it's not a friendship in the strongest sense until someone recognizes it for what it is, becomes self reflective, and then actively seeks to develop that relationship in a positive way.

Anyway, I just don't think with the way we use the "friendship" is very good. I think it gives us all a false sense of having many friends and it causes us to not reach out for friendship in the highest sense. I am pretty sure the highest sense of friendship is true charity, and it's also the type of relationship one would hope to have with the person they marry. This type of friendship can weather anything...it's rare, but then again so are most truly good things.

Speaking about good friends right now really makes me miss Garett. He was a true friend in the highest sense. I don't expect to have many opportunities to meet someone like him ever again. He really taught me what it means to be a good friend. I'll always love him for that.

True friendship is sacred. Never take it for granted.

Have a great day!