Philosophy of Dating--Provo (but applicable elsewhere)

Okay, so I've made it sort of a rule that if a topic comes up at least 3 times in one week I'll blog about it, and because of this, today's topic is dating. As I write please keep in mind that these are just my silly opinions and that on the whole I am entirely unqualified to write on the matter. However, since blogs are all about feebly shouting unsubstantiated opinions into cyberspace, I said to myself "why not?" So, here I am posting my meager opinions on dating. Since I've promised shorter posts I'll only discuss one thing in this installment: why people don't date much. If this discussion garners enough feedback I'll return to it and bring up other topics. I'm just writing on why people don't date cause that's what was mentioned three times (the three times rule is inviolate). Anyway, here goes.

As a whole I enjoy dating. I mean, what's not to like. I like eating out (I really hate to cook), I like to talk to people (specifically girls (who think so very differently)) and see what makes them tick, I like fun date activities (I pick what we do after all). Really, dating should be a blast, and generally it is. The only limitations to dating should be finding a date and cost. Let's discuss these limitations.

In Provo cost shouldn't be too much of an issue. In Provo it's almost as if the general authorities are in collusion with the local merchants and subsidizing dating costs to increase marriage statistics. Here it's possible to go on a date with a meal and some sort of activity for less than 5 dollars (believe me I've done it). Now, guys might be saying at this point "won't she be offended by the cheap date" my response to this is "if she is offended by how cheap the date is take that as a warning and jump ship." Honestly, with rare exceptions, I think most girls size up their date within the first few minutes of meeting them. After their initial decision what you spend on them won't make much of a difference. There are exceptions of course, but they are rare.

I think what really happens is the girl sizes the guy up and then uses the rest of the date to substantiate that opinion. For example, if you take a girl on a 5 dollar date and she likes you then your cheap date was "creative" and shows "financial acumen," and all the dumb things you said were "misunderstood." On the flip side if she doesn't like you then the 5 dollar date shows that you're "cheap" that you "must not think I'm worth much," and everything you said was "boring." Now, if you're really charismatic I think it might be possible to change an initial impression. Unfortunately, I'll need someone with charisma to let me know if this is true. Long story short, in Provo it's doubtful that money is holding you back--that's just an excuse.

As for finding someone to date. If you're a young single Mormon and you think that there isn't anyone around then either your standards are too high or you're blind. Now, I admit that it's hard to meet people outside your ward if you're not in some sort of extracurricular activity, but that doesn't mean the people aren't around, it just means you don't know them. Now, I recognize that it's harder for girls cause they usually are asked out. But just because you're responsive doesn't mean you have no control. Here are a few things to do and a few things not to do.

What not to do:

If you want to get asked out separate yourself from the herd. Girls always travel in groups. Often they're giggling. If a guy wants to ask one of the girls in the group out he has to approach all of you (while you're giggling/laughing so he feels like he's interrupting) and single one girl out somehow. Now, he doesn't want to ask her out in front of her friends cause that makes everything he does fodder--if he does that everything he says will be analyzed in minute detail later. So he has to separate you from the group and ask you out alone. This usually scares guys off so they just walk away and rationalize that they werern't that interested anyway. I guess put simply, if there is a guy you want to ask you out, then separate from your friends for a bit and make yourself approachable. However, if you don't want to get asked out, stick to the group.

What to do:

If you want to get asked out by a specific guy then you need to basically do 2 things: compliment and then direct. Step one: the compliment. Try to make it something personal. If you compliment something that they do instead of something they are a guy might not realize you're interested. For example, if a girl tells me "you're good at the guitar." I think "well yeah I guess I am" (sorry if that sounds prideful) and think nothing of it. After all, a guy could tell me the same thing and I wouldn't think twice about it. But, on the other hand if a girl says "you look nice tonight, I like that shirt" that definitely comes across as a personal compliment (which works well, the looking nice is personal, the shirt is objective...that way the guy feels good about himself and your directness is diffused by complimenting the shirt too). And using the "guy test" if a guy told me that I look nice and he likes my shirt we'd both be uncomfortable. I guess the rule is you should give a compliment that, if given by one guy to another guy, would make both guys uncomfortable. When you do this you're emphasizing the qualities that will make him feel confident asking you out. When you do this you empower him. This leads to step 2. Once he's empowered he needs direction.

All you need to do now that the guy feels confident (he looks nice after all) is inform him of some interst of yours. It can be anything you find interesting and that you think he finds interesting. Whether it's hiking, rock climbing, or some restaurant you've always wanted to go to. Just let make some comment about how it seems interesting and you'd like to go.

Now at this point if you're alone, you've complimented him, and you've given him an idea of what you'd like to do, if he doesn't ask you out he's either not interested at all or he's stupid. Either way, it's best to move on. At this point you can say you've done all you can (other than asking him out directly).

But I think I'm gonna end this tangent now (shorter posts and all). Besides, I feel really uncomfortable trying to explain how a girl should get asked out by a guy...that is all kinds of weird. I just know it has worked on me, I've seen it work on other guys, and it makes sense.

So, to put it all together. There are two main restrictions to dating--getting a date and the cost. In Provo cost isn't much of an issue. As for getting a date, you need to just lighten up and ask if you're a guy. Don't put so much importance on finding the perfect girl. You're not the perfect guy after all. Just ask people out and see what happens. I've done a date a week for a really long time. Some of the dates have been pretty pathetic (I'm sorry if you're reading this and you were one of those dates) but some have been great.

I think that what makes for really awkward dates is not dating enough. That is why I date weekly. I realize that some of those dates are pointless but they keep me dating. We all have a certain amount of awkwardness in us that comes out on dates. When you date weekly you distribute that awkwardness around Provo. When you go on a date every 4 months and you only ask a girl out when you're reallly interestd in her, that lucky girl gets the benefit of 4 months of pent up awkwardness. You'll have two strikes against you, your idealized interest and your bottled crazy.

Dating, like anything else, is done well when you enjoy it and you do it consistently. Because of this, I humbly submit that guys should try to date regularly. Ask girls out to have a good time, not because you've prayed about her and you think she's the future mother of your children. I think people in Provo are so hung up on marriage that they forget that friendship and the enjoyment of another's company come first. Provites have such high expectations, they're so busy wondering if the next date will be "the one," that they scare off (rightly) anyone worth marrying.

Don't open yourself up too fast, don't share everything all at once. Don't let your desire for closeness circumvent the natural process of getting to know someone. Certainly you should date to get married, but just keep in mind, dating is not only about finding the person to marry , it's also about finding the KIND of person to marry. In a way it's research. You need to find out what works and what doesn't. The more you date the better your eventual decision will be.

So date a lot, have fun, remember that intimacy (regardless off what I hear so frequently around here) isn't a gift you give someone, it's something you earn together through time and experience.

Well, I'm tired of writing. I got a lot more to say but this post is longer than I intended already. Sorry for the lack cohesion. I'll go back and edit this later.