My earliest memory of door opening etiquette goes back to when I was 12 or so. I was shopping with my mom and she said "girls appreciate it when you open the door for them." That was relatively subtle, I should have known she meant that I should open the door for her and that I should develop the habit of opening doors for all girls, but I just thought to myself, "Mom, you're not a girl, you're a Mom (sorry Mom if you're reading)."
I forgot about door opening for a year or two and then it came up again when I started dating in high school. In high school when I was on a date I'd always feel a bit stupid opening the door for a girl. I wasn't sure if I should open the door when we arrived at the car, but not when we left the car (make her just sit there while I walk around?), if I should open the door every time we entered or just when I picked her up. I really didn't know what to do in a cramped space, I mean, sometimes, like if you're really close to another car or a wall, it's really hard to get in there. In those cases if you want to open the door you gotta squeeze past (when you're bigger) open the door backward, let her in, and then squeeze back out. Now, I know this rarely happens but it does happen so it's just another thing to account for.
My adolescent brain (granted, my overthinking adolescent brain) finally came up with this rule (which I still stand by): open the door every time she enters the car, but let her leave the car on her own, if it is too awkward to open the door just apologize and let her get it. I settled on this stance cause it seemed pretty stupid to me to make the girl wait for you to walk around so she can get out of the car. I mean, that's not chivalry, that's just inconvenience for everyone. The one great exception to this rule is if you're wearing a tux. If you're wearing a tux it's a highly formal setting and you should walk around (and besides, she's probably wearing something so ungainly that she could use your help).
Now that I knew how to open the door I had to figure out why and when. I never really faced then "when" issue until after my mission.
When I came home from my mission I dated as much as I could (that post-mission dating fervor). I decided then that my door opening policy would be to open car doors for girls I'm attracted to. I reasoned that opening the door for a girl is a romantic gesture, a way of expressing interest, so I'd only open doors when I wanted to express interest. The problem with that is it's misleading. If a guy is a gentlemen only to get a girl's interest, but then discontinues being gentlemen once he wins the girl over, it's really unfair to the girl. It's like selling an inferior product with shiny packaging. So, I decided not to open the car door for girls at all cause I couldn't see myself doing something that inconvenient years down the road (neither can most men...think about it, how many married men open the car door for their wives?).
When I made this decision I felt like a martyr. I knew I'd annoy girls, I knew they'd think I wasn't a gentleman, but deep down I was thinking "at least I'm honest, at least I'm consistent--what you see is what you get." I took this attitude on dates for about a year...eventually a girl complained about it.
After she complained I sat down and thought about reasons to open the door for girls. This is what I came up with:
Initially you open the door for a girl because it is now (regardless of what it used to mean) a social convention used to express respect and gratitude for women. The obvious follow up question to this is "why don't women similarly open doors for men to express respect and gratitude?" My answer to that is that men and women both have social conventions intended to show respect and gratitude for the other gender's company. Men have more direct gestures (such as door opening), women, on the other hand, have more indirect gestures (subtle compliments and such). So, women don't open doors for men because they convey the same message through other means.
Also, one reason for door opening that's often missed is it shows a girl (at some minute level) that you're concerned with her safety. Which, when you think about it, is really important-- a girl going on a date with a guy is showing a large amount of trust. I mean, guys are usually much stronger than girls...if a guy wanted to hurt a girl he could. On a first date the girl doesn't know whether she's on a date with Charles Manson or (now I'm throwing up a little) Edward Cullen. Opening the door for her lets her know that you're trying to care for her...basically putting concerns to rest and placing you on the Edward Cullen side of things.
The final reason to open doors (once in a relationship) is to renew the relationship. Once things get serious you may not feel the freshness and excitement you originally did, but you should want to feel that way. So, I guess opening the door then becomes something of a ritual of remembrance. I think that thinking about door opening as a ritual is fair because rituals (on the whole) are impractical and often ridiculous practices made significant only because they represent something sacred or significant. Door opening squares nicely with this definition: it is impractical, and often ridiculous, but it signifies something sacred and significant: your relationship. So, simply put, my last reason to open doors is it allows guys to reiterate the importance of, and their commitment to, the relationship.
And now I'll just conclude by saying you should always open the door for every girl because, if you agree with the initial purpose of door opening (as a respectful gesture of kindness and caring), to not open the door for a girl is an insult.
Now I'll end this post by sharing the experience that made me think of it writing about door opening in the first place. About three weeks ago I was walking into the BYU library and I tried to hold open the door for the girl behind me. She just stood there annoyed, waiting for me to let it close, so I removed my hand. She then opened the door herself and looked at me like she made some huge point. As she walked through she said "I can get the door for myself thank you very much." I was annoyed (which usually leads to me saying something insulting (in this instance I almost said "I'm sorry sir, I thought you were a woman, I was just trying to be polite"), but I bit my tongue.
Well, I think I better stop now. I can't imagine many people still being interested in something as simple as door opening for as long as I've discussed it. Hope you all have a great day.
carefree
8 years ago
6 comments:
My rule is I'll open the door for them the first time we go out and if she leans across to open my door by the time I make it back around to my side I'll continue to open the door for her on subsequent dates. If not, then I won't try and open the door for her again (unless I'm in a tux. You were absolutely right in the sense that a tux changes all the rules).
That's funny that you've thought a lot about this, because I have too. Chivalry in general makes me very uneasy. I would agree that in some cases it is polite and appropriate (such as door opening on dates), but I think it is all too often abused, and senselessly, especially by Mormon guys trying to impress a girl. A couple times recently my roommate (who is currently in the sweet and mushy stages of the beginning of a relationship) has done things for his girlfriend that have inconvenienced other people (namely me). For some reason that really rubs me the wrong way. For example, she had two mission acquaintances in town, and instead of them sleeping at her place (which isn't a student apartment-it's her childhood home), he offered that they sleep in our living room (of our cramped, one bathroom student apartment) so as to not inconvenience her family. Well, after being awoken at 4:30 am by their cell phone alarm that kept going off every 10 minutes for the next hour, I was pretty pissed off. I think it's fine if you want to go above and beyond the call of duty to impress a girl, but when it infringes on someone else that's really wrong.
Another thing that really bugs me that Mormon guys always want to do is let the women go first in a food line, like during break the fast. Okay, so part of my annoyance at this is just that I'm really hungry and don't want to wait for a bunch of girls to vacillate over which desert has more calories, but honestly, that's not my main point of contention with this practice. The model of a singles ward is to mix single men and women, right? So what happens when you separate them is the women go through the line, and then they sit down. Together. So the men go through the line and all the tables with the women are full, so they sit down. Together. So you have tables of men and tables of women. Furthermore, I think chatting in a food line is a great way to start a conversation with a girl. It's pressure free, and you can ask them questions like, "Do you know what's in that casserole?" or "What kind of vegetable is in this Jello?" or you may even think that this burrito is too big and decide to share it.... sharing a burrito being the first step to sharing eternity together. Anyways, you get my point.
So if you separate the men and women in a food line, then you are completely disregarding this model of mixing men and women. Heck, you might as well go Puritan and have the men on one side of the chapel and the women on the other.
Another reason I always feel uncomfortable with chivalry is that ever since you told me about the origins of Chivalry, Danny, I think in the back of my mind that I'm just trying to keep a woman in her place. Not that some women shouldn't be kept in their place, but they usually aren't the ones I go out with. (Just kidding)
Now a question for Tim: How would you feel if they just hit the unlock button for you? For some reason it always bugs me that women reach across and open the door for me. It seems ungainly, and a waste of effort when they can just hit unlock. Because honestly it doesn't help me any more if they open the door than if they just hit the unlock button. Now if automatic locks aren't present, then I agree they should open the door, but if they are, it just bothers me for some reason.
Anyways, I apologize if I offended any women reading this. I'm not that bad of a guy. I just get passionate about certain subjects.
Thats a great question Ted. I made an assumption that you were driving a car made in the last decade that had automatic locks which would remove her need to press the unlock button. Also, I think the ungainly part of watching her try and lean across the center console to reach your door handle is what makes the practice of opening her door pay off in the first place. It is sometimes mildly awkward for you to open her door for her. It is absolutely never as awkward as watching the girl try and crawl across your center console, shifting her dress so as to maintain her modesty, then open your door for you the scant inch or two she is able to (an effort you could have easily duplicated from the outside with a bare fraction of the effort it required her).
Basically it comes down to this. I am willing to be mildly inconvenienced if she is willing to consistently inconvenience herself to make my life easier in the smallest sense. Really all she is doing is saving me 2 inches of door opening motion plus she saves me the need to use that pesky door handle. And she looks so funny doing it! It demonstrates her commitment to me and it makes me laugh on the inside.
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