Some Pretty Fly Art

About a week ago my brother Tim sent me some really funny pictures made by a brilliant artist named Flychelangelo. I thought I'd share them here--they're pretty funny. (if you click on the images they get bigger (and they're funnier when they're bigger))





Isn't that one so sweet? Mommy and baby (although different species...)






And on the topic of bugs, two days ago I was lying on my bed reading a book on my laptop. I had my head propped up against the headboard, the laptop on my stomach, and I was just reading away. While I was in this peaceful state I noticed that there was a spider between me and my screen. The spider was slowly letting itself down from the ceiling right onto my chest. It really caught me by surprise. I broke the web and the spider just hung there from my hand. I tried to carry the little guy to the window and throw him out but he started to climb up the web toward my hand. I didn't wanna get bit so I dropped the little guy and stepped on him. That's when I realized it wasn't a little guy... it was a little girl cause cause it was a black widow--male black widows can't exist cause widows are girls (are male black widows called "black widowers"?).

So, that was a pretty close one. What was even weirder was the next day I was sitting at my desk and another spider (in my imagination it's the mate of the one I killed (so this was the black widower)) skittered across my desk heading straight for me. I think it was bent on revenge. Luckily I saw him in time and took him out with a well placed karate chop. So, so far it's me: 2 spiders: 0. I'm just gonna have to be careful when I go to sleep...and I'm gonna need to buy some anti-venom.

p.s. I just had another spider attack me. I believe I might have a feud going on with these spiders now. This spider also died from a well placed karate chop. However, this spider was not a black widow. It looks as if they're recruiting outside help. It was a brown spider...perhaps they're outsourcing.

Oh, and this next picture is completely unrelated to anything else in this post, but I thought it was funny (someone just asked me who that's a picture of... Charles Darwin).

In-N-Out

I just wanted to make a post about how much I love In-N-Out...and how excited I am that they're opening one in Orem on the 19th.

I had heard news of the In-N-Out but I always felt like it was too far away. I didn't even know where they were building it. But last night I went on a date to go see a play at UVU, and as I was driving home I looked to my right and I saw a beautiful golden arrow: the beautiful arrow that says delicious taste at an affordable price is nearby...the beautiful golden arrow that says "you're home." I almost cried. I felt like I was instantly transported to California. I drove up to the restaurant to get the details. Unfortunately, I didn't see any information posted, but just being around the place, seeing the familiar architecture, the outdoor dining umbrellas, the stone cut tables...it felt so good.

I decided to break the place in so I took my date to the nearest drive through and we both got shakes. We then drove back to the In-N-Out and had our shakes under the familiar In-N-Out umbrellas. I can honestly claim for the rest of my life that I was one of the first two people to eat a shake at the In-N-Out in Orem. I don't know anyone else who can make that sort of claim about any In-N-Out. Normally people wait for the grand opening and everyone gets a shake at roughly the same time. But not this In-N-Out. From now on when people talk of this restaurant I can say "yeah, I was the first person to take a date there, I was the first person to have a shake there"...and any other variation of saying "neener neener neener I was there first." (Now, I realize that it wasn't an In-N-Out shake, but who cares? I still can make the claim and I plan on it.)

It was kinda funny, they had a security guard at the place that was watching it 24/7. When we went up to the tables he drove up to us and told us that we had to leave (I kinda figured we weren't supposed to be there cause the area was taped off). The man was kind of hard at first, but after I bore my testimony to him of how much I love In-N-Out...after I told him how I would never deface that beautiful building, after I told him what In-N-Out means to me, and what it represents from my childhood, he told us (almost teary eyed) that we could stay for as long as we wanted.

As we sat down to have our shakes some people drove up to see what was going on. At first I felt a little guilty cause I thought the people were coming to the In-N-Out because it looked like we were customers and the place was open. The security guard swooped on them to chase them away. However, they turned out to be the the In-N-Out employees sent to the area to open up the new location. They were excited to meet us and they invited us to the grand opening.

So, that's my In-N-Out story. I doubt I'll make it to the grand opening cause I hate big crowds...but I was there for the real grand opening. Cause when two people are brought together under the magic of that golden arrow to unhealthily consume exquisite tasting, but nevertheless body destroying calories... well, that's what In-N-Out is all about.

Goodbye Mr. Chill

I just want to share a picture of Mr. Chill before I have to destroy him. As you can see, time hasn't been kind to him and his inward rottenness has spread throughout his face, causing receding gums and sunken eyes. Fortunately, at the last minute I was able to perform surgery on him--now he's a cyborg. You can tell he's a cyborg because of the "vision augmenter"I installed in his left eye. Mr. Chill can now see through walls.


Fig. 1 Mr. Chill in cyborg mode featuring vision augmenter.

I wish I could share a picture of the girlfriend I carved for him at a ward function. Only problem is she's disappeared (she started to smell pretty fast cause she was already an old pumpkin when I carved her). I think Mr. Chill might have had something to do with her disappearance... perhaps one of my roommates was in collusion with Mr. Chill.

And a strange thing about her death, it has had a surprising effect on Mr. Chill. I still think Mr. Chill killed her, but even though he killed her, he misses her. Just the other day I walked past him and I heard him mourning his lady. He said something like "Death lies on her like an untimely frost. Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." I'm not sure why he was quoting Romeo and Juliet, but then again, Mr. Chill was always an evil, but very literate pumpkin.

Anyway, tonight I will throw Mr. Chill off a bridge in a cathartic manner. I already have the perfect bridge in mind.

It is fitting that so violent a life have an equally violent death. He was born to this world under the knife, and he will leave this world thrust to the ground, a pulpy mess under the unrelenting force of gravity. I will miss our little war. He was a noble opponent. Farewell pumpkin!

Hope you all have a great day (at least a better day than Mr. Chill's).

Twilight Writing Contest

Hey Everyone,
Today at church someone came up to me and handed me a flyer for a writing contest and recommended that I enter. It's a contest done through BYU. Here's what the flyer said:

***
This contest, inspired by the upcoming release of Stephenie Myer's second movie, "New Moon," is an opportunity for BYU students to test their writing mettle against the standard set by Ms. Meyer. Write us a paragraph of purple prose, emulating as closely as possible Meyer's overearnest style, though it does not necessarily have to come from the "Twilight" storyline. Winners will receive valuable prizes. Rules for the contest are as simple as baseball apparently is to vampires.
***

Isn't that just delightful? I love how they describe her writing as "over-earnest." Oh, and for those of you who are wondering what "purple prose" is, here is the Wikipedia entry:

"Purple prose is a term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context."

I think that's a really cool description of Stephenie Myers.

So, I decided to participate in this. At first I wasn't even gonna try. Since the contest said to "test your writing mettle against the standard of Stephenie Myers" I was just gonna send in my shopping list...I figured that would meet or exceed the "standard" set in her novels, but then I realized I never go shopping--so I decided to create something original.

Anyway, the contest rules were really simple. You can submit 3 entries. Each entry has to be 100 words or less. And it's due by November 5th....but I didn't need till November 5th. I wrote my entries in under 10 minutes...all 3 of them.

So, now, without further ado...here are my 3 Stephenie Myers imitations. I decided to focus on the three things I noticed from the few pages of the book I read (I borrowed a copy from Rachel...and I felt dirty taking it home with me). They were:

A) How she always makes Bella sound self-conscious and inferior.

2) How she describes beauty in such abstract ways.

iii) How love is forbidden and closely associated with loss (see Petrarchan love themes if you're interested in this trope).

(and yes I did just number those A, 2, and iii...my brain is still turned off from writing the three passages...also, I think it's funny to number things wrong...but I digress...)

Okay here is entry 1. This entry focuses on theme A.

Britney entered the room. I am sitting quietly by myself. I look up to see her walking toward me. I try to hunch down so she won’t see me. Being around her makes my head swim. Near her, everything sounds bad once it leaves my mouth. As she walks up to my table my heart skips a beat. I try to look her in the eye but I feel so awkward, so clumsy. Being so close to her, to her beauty—a goddess in form and grace—I feel like un-worked clay sitting beside the Winged Victory of Samothrace.

(99 words, just under the wire)

Here is entry 2. This entry focuses on theme 2.

Her hair was like a dark river cascading down her back. Her eyes were like sapphires. When she smiled at me it was as welcome and as warm as sunlight after a cold and bitter winter. She put her hand on my arm and spoke to me in a voice that was too light, too pure—too beautiful. I wished I could hold that voice, cling to it, for as it faded, I felt as if heaven faded with it, as if the world was now less, for such beauty can only end in loss.

(95 words)

Here is entry 3. This entry focuses on theme iii.

I reached my hand out and caressed her cheek and looked deeply into her eyes. I could get lost in those eyes. I could die in those eyes. Leaning forward I gently kissed her, her lips so soft against mine, but strangely cold. As I pulled away I felt as if I was separating from my very soul. She put her hand on my shoulder and the world stopped. Right then I had a painful and unrelenting vision. I knew, with all the certainty of a shard of ice through my heart: I would never see her again.

(98 words).

Anyway, that's my attempt at writing like Stephenie Myers. It was kinda fun...and pretty easy. And here's a pro:tip. If you really want to enjoy the paragraphs, read them out loud (and dramatically)...it really brings out how silly they are.

Anyway, hope you all have a great day.

p.s. if I win this contest I get a free dinner and 2 tickets to see "New Moon." If anyone in the Provo area wants those tickets let me know. I certainly have no use for them.

Some Thoughts

Today as I was perusing Facebook I saw that a girl who used to like me is now engaged. It's kind of weird, not even a year ago she told me how she felt about me, and now she's getting married. If the pictures are any indication she seems happy.

Anyway, this got me to thinking. I tried to figure out why I didn't want to date her. She was pretty and smart, she had a good sense of humor (she at least laughed at the appropriate times). Really, if I was to write out a list of the qualities I'm looking for she had most of them. But something was off.

Now that I've given it some thought, I think the reason why I didn't want to keep dating her was that it was too easy. And I feel bad for saying that. It makes me sound very fickle. But I think the reason I didn't like her was she liked me and I didn't have to do anything at all.

The first time I met her was at a game night. She was having games over at her place and she went around the apartment complex inviting people to come over. She knocked on my door and I remember thinking "wow, she's pretty." So, two of my roommates and I headed over.

I put myself on my best behavior and made sure that I was funny and all that, I had her laughing pretty quick. I started going over to her apartment just to talk, and after a while, she just opened up and said how she felt. The moment she did I remember thinking, "well, I guess that's over." It was amazing that as soon as she opened up like that, I didn't really care anymore.

My question is, why is that? I know similar things happen with girls. I have found no faster way of chasing off a girl than to to honestly express my feelings for her*(see footnote 1). I think the problem is we expect to put in a lot of effort for things that are worthwhile. When it's too easy to be with someone we don't care anymore. This is especially problematic for pretty girls, so I call it "the pretty girl problem."

The Pretty Girl Problem Explained:

Basically, the "pretty girl problem" is meant to explain why when someone likes you too easily you don't like them back. It's like this. When you're attractive, although a lot of people want to date you, you don't want to date any of them. Simple economics: if supply is high, value goes down. This is why many people hear pretty girls annoyingly say "there aren't any good guys to date." Well, there are plenty of good guys, the problem is that pretty girls don't feel anything for these nice guys cause they've never invested themselves in a relationship.

Here is another way of looking at it:

There are two principles at play here. 1) we value what we work for 2) people naturally do as little work as possible.

So, since guys will work very hard to be with a pretty girl, they're willing to put forth all the effort necessary for the relationship. The result is that the girl does very little (principle 2). And since the girl does very little, she doesn't value the guy (principle 1). This of course results in her complaining about not liking any of the guys that ask her out...and the cycle continues ad nauseum.

In some ways being very attractive is like being really smart. A certain amount is good, too much is debilitating. With intelligence, it's good to be in the 120 to 130 IQ range. If you are, you're smarter than nearly everyone you meet, you can do anything you want with your life (intelligence will never be your weakness), and you're relatively stable. Beyond this point, as you get smarter, you get less stable, and you start having difficulty interacting with others. So, while it seems like the smarter you get the better off you'll be, beyond a certain point intelligence is a liability. Similarly, as far as appearances and relationships go, it seems like average to above average looking people find romantic happiness fastest. It's the really ugly people and the really attractive people who struggle--beautiful people because of the reasons mentioned earlier, and ugly people cause no one wants to date them.

Figure 1a. What a beautiful person might look like




Figure 1b. What an ugly person might look like (Yoko!!!!).

But that was a bit of a tangent. My main point was this girl liked me too much and too easily, so I didn't feel anything for her...she awkwardly put me in the "pretty girl problem."

The kicker is how do we ever get excited about someone if them liking us too much is a turn off? I think the answer to this is that the relationship has to progress naturally. You both need to open up at a steady pace, not too fast so that you're taken for granted, and not so slowly that one of you loses interest.

It seems to me that intimacy should be earned, that gives it value. When you spend time with someone and you see them warming to you, and when they start to share things with you, and trust you, you feel great. You feel like you deserve what they're sharing with you...you feel like you're working for something and it's paying off (and once again, this makes you appreciate it.)

I think this might be why it's hard to change a friendship to a romantic relationship. When we try to do that, there isn't the initial excitement of a new relationship cause we already know so much about the other person. There isn't a sense of discovery. It's not like there will be the thrill of earning trust. In many ways you're already there-- you're like people who have been together for a while. So, upgrading friendship usually doesn't have the initial mystery or passion of spontaneous relationships. There is of course the excitement when you take the risk and let them know how you feel, but this provides only a short window of opportunity. In many ways upgrading friendship is like trying to make an existing fire burn hotter...you can only do this by finding new materials (new aspects of your relationship) to burn...and the corollary is that when you're trying to convert passion into a more lasting friendship it's like having a hot (but fast) burning fire (you know-- the kind that starts easy but doesn't last very long (usually newspaper and dried grass))...so you scramble for slower burning materials (friendship) to keep the fire going* (footnote 2).

Summed up, when a relationship begins as a romantic one there is excitement. People pursue these relationships in the hopes that it will end up as something more stable, something more secure and lasting. The flip side is that when a relationship begins as friendship and turns romantic, the romance has to be found outside of the process of discovery. This makes things take longer...but at least you know what you're getting into, at least you know you'll get along.


Once again, coming back from that tangent, I guess it's just frustrating cause I've found that nearly every time a girl has really liked me I haven't cared for her. And it seems like the criterion for me liking a girl is that she's unavailable...there's the chase--the mystery. I think that's the problem, it's a lot more fun to chase than to catch. Cause once you catch something you gotta decide if you even want it.

Anyway, those are the thoughts that went through my head today. I wish this wasn't so complicated. I guess maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. I'll just flatter myself and say I make things complicated cause I'm on the side of the the intelligence scale where my brain is a liability :)...yeah, I can handle that explanation.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!

Appendix A:

I just read this post to my roommate John. He's a wise psychology major and so this post's theme better fits his discipline (philosophy is a very lonely guy's club). This is what he said... paraphrased:

I agree with you, but I think part of the reason that people don't want to be with someone who likes them too much is that when something is a sure thing its kinda scary. When people just meet each other they can feel the chemistry and all that and say "the stars are aligning and this is working," but if things don't work out they can just walk away and say "it wasn't meant to be." When you know someone likes you, you can't say "well, I guess there wasn't anything between us" because you know they felt something. So you know things didn't work out because you didn't want them to work out--the responsibility falls squarely on your shoulders.

John's second point was that when you know someone is really into you, and they're showing more interest than you feel, you know that if you open up to them, things will progress faster than you're ready for because they're already a few steps ahead of you in their desire for a relationship.

Point 1...I respond saying just give it a shot, if it doesn't work out you can still say it wasn't meant to be. We're talking about boyfriend and girlfriend...not marriage. Dating is like the clinical trials pharmaceutical companies go through before a drug comes out (I bet you can feel a horrible simile on it's way :). Clinical trials go in stages. There is phase 1 where they use animals to see if there is anything there...to see if the medication can bring about a change. This is a very non-threatening part where there is minimal risk, but you can learn about the medication you got. This is of course like dating at the beginning stages...no risk, you don't learn all that much, but you see if anything between you works. Phase 2 in clinical trials is when they start testing the medication on humans. They now want to see if they can reproduce those results..and they want to see if the medication is safe. This is when you're boyfriend and girlfriend. Now you want to see if things work between you when you're more committed to finding out what's between you (it's not just minimal risk now, now a person can get hurt). And phase 3 trials is when you try to see if the drug is marketable (financial questions), you try to test to see if it will profit from future trials (will the couple continue to grow) you try to see if it will work well for a long period of time (staying power in the relationship). So phase 3 trials are like getting engaged. This is your last chance to test the efficacy of the drug (relationship) before you take it to market (marriage). Taking a drug to market is very expensive and time consuming. And once you do there is no turning back...cause no one wants a drug recall (divorce)--those are so embarrassing...and there might be a class action suit brought against you (alimony).

(yeah, I just compared dating, a committed relationship, engagement, and marriage to drug clinical trials (and I'm not taking it back). Next time any of you want to date someone seriously tell them you're ready to progress to phase 2 clinical trials...they'll love you forever :)

Point 2...if they're more into you, the principle of someone liking you still applies. If you begin to return their feelings they will eventually start to like you less...just the way the game works. So, one way of making them put on the brakes is for you to hit the accelerator.

Anyway, that's what my friend's engagement got me thinking about. This was the fourth time in about 4 years where a girl has liked me, I've lost interest, I've called things off, and then she got married within a year...I needed to figure out why...what I have presented here is the best solution I could come up with...so, my answer is I'm falling into "the pretty girl problem." I don't like the way that sounds but I'm done writing...I need to head to bed.

Footnotes *

1) small side theory here: it's best to just show her how you feel-- hold hands etc.--rather than to honestly express your feelings. I'm the opposite, I say how I feel first and then I suit my actions to my words...my way is too direct/honest, and certainly not very romantic. Girls seem to like things that happen spontaneously...even magically. So try to do that if you can. I would if I could, I' just can't cause I'm not wired that way, I gotta say how I feel or I feel dishonest.

2) this comparison reminds me of a famous quotation: "love is friendship set on fire"-- Jeremy Taylor.

Penguins

I saw this online today and it really made me laugh. It's obviously fake, but in a better world it would be real. And hey, even without the slap on the back, a penguin bellyflopping like that is still the bee's knees.

Slang

I love old slang. I think it's hilarious, and I expect that someday I'll have kids who will make fun of all the slang that I use...all those words that I think are leet, uber, awesome, and cool.

Here is some slang from a few different decades that I found quite entertaining. I hope we can bring some of these words/phrases back, cause they're the bee's knees.

1920s

All Wet - describes an erroneous idea or individual

Bank's Closed - no kissing or making out

Bearcat - a hot-blooded or fiery girl

Bee's Knees - An extraordinary person, thing, idea; the ultimate

Berries - That which is attractive or pleasing; similar to bee's knees

Big six - a strong man (from auto advertising, relates to the new (at the time) six cylinder engines)

Butt me - I'll take a cigarette

Cat's Pajamas- Something splendid or stylish; similar to the bee’s knees.

Chassis – The female body

Check – Kiss me later

Daddy - A young woman’s boyfriend or lover, especially if he’s rich.

Dame - A female

Dolled up – dressed up

Don’t take any wooden nickels - Don’t do anything stupid.

Flat Tire - A dull witted insipid, disappointing date.

Flapper - A stylish, brash, hedonistic young woman with short skirts and shorter hair.

Giggle water - alcohol.

Handcuff - engagement ring

Nifty - great excellent

Piker - A cheapskate

Struggle Buggy - the backseat of a car…well, you get it.

1930s
Behind the 8 ball - you’re in trouble
Chintzy - Cheap

Dibs - a claim for something.

Ginchy - sexy…she’s the ginchiest girl I’ve ever seen.

Go steady - to date only one person

Hep cat - a cool jazz lover

Malarkey - nonsense

Minxy - alluring seductive..she’s a total minxy

Monday morning quarterback - someone who gives advice when it’s too late.

Scag – an ugly female.

Nelly – a male homosexual

1940s

g-man – FBI agent.

Greenback – a dollar

Honey - an attractive female

Jive – to make sense.

1950s

Armpit - undesirable place.

Beefcake – a well proportioned male

Classy chassis: nice female figure.

Made in the shade - success guaranteed

Make out - Yeah this started to mean kiss and all that in the 50s

Mickey Mouse – Easy simple

On cloud seven - really happy

Rack out - to fall asleep

Snafu - a mistake


1960s

Alligator: a guy with a swagger, confidence…good with the ladies

Homework: to make out.

Cherry - something excellent

Dipstick - a stupid person

Gig – a job

Idiot box – a TV set.

Cloud nine – really happy.


Here is a sample paragraph that I hope will demonstrate how badly we need to bring back old slang into regular discourse. In this story, the old slang is in quotation marks.

So, I met this "dame", a real "flapper", and I said to myself, she's" nifty." Now I didn't want to "take any wooden nickels," but I knew I'd be a "nelly" if I didn't take this "ginchy" girl out. Please keep in mind I don't have many "greenbacks" ...I'm kinda "chintzy" if you know what I mean, but this girl was the "cat's pajamas" a real "bearcat", and I"m sort of a "big six" myself so I figured, why not?

Anyhoo (might be old slang..not sure), I took my little "honey" out in my "cherry" car. I figured that an "alligator" like me would have her doing "homework" in the "struggle buggy" in no time. But then I hit a "snafu" and I told her that her friend was a "scag." So, while I started the date on "cloud nine", by the end of the night I was "behind the eight ball." I'm such a "dipstick."

But, things ended up okay. As I dropepd her off she said "check" and smiled at me. Man, that girl is the "berries." I think I"m gonna ask that "minxy" little fox to "go steady."

****

Yeah, that's right. You don't need to say it...that's the most awesome story you've ever read.

p.s. Today is National Pharmacy Technician's Day. If you're not chintzy you'll send me something.

p.p.s. Something cool happened today. This morning I found out I got an A- on a paper. I read the professor's criticism and I told him that he either didn't understand the argument or he misunderstood the vocabulary. It turned out he didn't understand the vocabulary...so I helped him out. Now he's got a bigger vocabulary, and I got an A...I'm on cloud 9.

p.p.p.s. I think I should get extra credit for talking a rhetoric professor into improving my grade.

p.p.p.p.s. Did you notice that in the 50s it was cloud 7, but in the 60s it was could 9? I think we're due for cloud 10.