Luck

Normally I try to share fun and interesting things on my blog...but tonight I'm just gonna complain for a bit if you don't mind.

So, Monday night I stay up very late because a friend of mine had something horrible happen, which makes me late for class the next day,which makes me not hear about an assignment, causing me to work like crazy when I finally hear about it the night before it's due (tonight). So I'm typing away pretty fast to get that done.

Now, while working on that assignment I decided to take a break and get some dinner so I call up my friend Robbie. We go and get some Chinese food. Right as we get to the restaurant my car dies...I ran out of gas. My gauge has always been sticky on this car. It said I had a 1/4 tank (but I had a 1/4 tank for quite a while). Anyway, with no gas I call up my roommate John.

John comes to the rescue but he has no portable gas tank. So, we fill up a gallon milk jug and drive back. As we're driving back John gets pulled over by a cop cause he didn't signal right. The cop comes up to us and sees me in the back with a gallon of some liquid. He gets all concerned and says "son, what ya got in that jug." I told him "gas for that car behind you." He shines his flashlight all over my car as if he could use the beam to see the truth of all things and then nods his head and asks John for his license and registration.

This wouldn't be a big deal....if John's registration wasn't expired. John couldn't get his car's registration updated because his brakes wouldn't pass inspection. For some reason (I guess Provo cops are bored) 3 patrol cars needed to surround mine and John's cars to handle this serious infraction of the law. I said to the cop "if you don't mind I'm gonna take my jug and try to put some gas in my car." He said "yeah, do what ya gotta do son."

So I get out of the car but realize that you can't really put gas in a car from a milk jug. I ask the cop if he has anything to help (I'd like him to be at least a little helpful..all he'd done so far is pull over a good samaritan). He of course had nothing to help. He says "why don't you check your trunk." So I open my trunk and he shines his light inside looking for a dead body or something. All I have back there is temple clothes and a roadside hazard kit...and some packaging tape.

I end up making a funnel out of a piece of paper and waterproofing it with the packaging tape...I have to stick a pencil down the funnel to open up the floodgate over the tank. I put a gallon in and start up the car after pumping the accelerator a bit.

The worst part is I need to go and fill up my tank...and I'm not really being much of a help for John. I figure the police don't want me around either (there were 3 patrol cars and three of us so it was even odds). So, I head off....feeling like the worst friend in the world as I leave the person who came to bail me out behind dealing with the cops.

So, I headed to the gas station, filled up my tank, dropped the friend I ate dinner off, and then came back here to finish my paper and feel guilty for leaving John behind. But, as things turned out, my landlord (who is 90) fell down. They needed someone to take his wife to the hospital to be with him cause the paramedics took him away. So, I went to take her there. Stayed with them for a while...until they said they had things under control. Now I'm back home and ready to start my paper.

I think I'm just gonna stay indoors until this week blows over.

Well, back to my paper...

Something Amazing

Today I saw something amazing. Now, I doubt this will be that impressive to most people, but I need my 15th post so I'm gonna share anyway.

Today I saw bird poop on the INSIDE of someone's windshield.

The car was a convertible so the bird didn't have to go inside the car and then fly really fast from the back, turn in the air and let go...but still this was an impressive feat.

I saw this little marvel as I was walking to my car this morning. I was walking past a car and I noticed that the bird poop on the car's windshield was reflective (not sure why I noticed that). I thought about how strange this was and then I realized that the poop must be reflective because the glass was between it and me. I, of course, had to investigate this further. I moved closer to the car and realized that yes, I was right, some bird, some marvelous champion of a bird, found a way to poop on the inside of someone's windshield. I can only imagine the bird had to practice this. He must have needed to fly by at a very high speed as he passed over the convertible...timing things just right. I'm sure every once in a while the bird fell short and hit the car's seat or dashboard. I'm sure that other times he overshot and futilely marked the convertibles hood. But, I must tell you, having seen the result of the bird's continued effort splashed across the inside of that car's windshield...all of his practice, all of his failures...in the end they were worth it. (not sure why I'm assuming the bird was male...just a hunch)

So anyway, today I saw the inspiring result of capability and persistence. I tip my hat to you bird. Well done. Well done.

Uncoordinated

Today was one of those days where you get out of bed, everything seems to go wrong, and you just want to crawl back into bed and hit the reset button and start over. Rather than bore you with the details of my entire day, let me just share with you a 1 hour block. The saddest part is that all the problems are of my own making... anyway, here goes.

So I'm walking to a philosophy class. It's a class on the history of philosophy. I'm basically just taking it for giggles and all that. Anyway, I'm sorta rushing cause I'm a little bit late cause I had to meet someone to return a book. So as I'm rushing down the stairs I look up and see a girl is holding the door for me. I think to myself "wow, that's nice of her" and I smile at her and follow her through the door.

Now all would have been fine...if there wasn't a second set of doors. So, the girl repeats her kindness and holds the second set of doors open for me as she goes through...the only problem is she holds the door about half open. Since I'm sorta rushing I just yank on the door to get it open...only problem is she hasn't removed her hand from the handle, and I guess she was at an angle where she couldn't remove her hand easily, cause when I pulled she was jerked by her arm like a fish on a hook--her whole body just flew as it tried to keep up with her traitorous arm heading in the other direction. She flew right into me, her head smashed into my chest and she almost fell over. I was barely able to steady her/catch her before she fell to the ground.

I can't begin to imagine what was going on in her head. She looked at me with wide eyes and accepted my apology with an awkward smile and high tailed it out of there. My usually coordinated self just sat there in shock at what had just happened. It seemed like the laws of physics were held in abeyance so that that catastrophe could be possible...it just shouldn't have happened as it did.

First, she shouldn't have flown so easily. I mean, she just flew like she had no weight at all. And second (although this isn't a complaint against physics) why did she go head first? It seems more natural to lead with your shoulder (it's connected to the arm after all). I just don't know...so strange. This was one of those moments in life that would seem more at home in a book or a movie script than in real life. As I walked away I even thought about a good title for the book containing this little misadventure. I eventually chose "How to Win Friends and Injure People." Anyway, after I apologized a few more times I headed to class.

We ended up having a lecture on Plato's Apology. Now, since I've read that at least 6 times I figured I didn't need to pay too much attention...so I fell asleep. The problem was I fell asleep with my right leg resting over my left. During the 30 minutes I was asleep my leg also fell completely asleep. When the class was over I quickly jumped out of my seat only to find that I had no right leg...I was completely numb below the calf. Because I had packed up all my stuff before my nap, my full backpack threw me even further off balance and I nearly faceplanted into the next row of desks. I barely caught myself in time...but I still fell to my right knee and made a noise loud enough to draw the class's attention.

Well, enough about "Motor Skill Monday." I hope everyone else has a better day.

Worst Date Ever

Okay, so the date starts off with me picking her up at her door and finding that both her cheeks were swollen. As it turned out, her wisdom teeth were pulled the day before...but for some strange reason she didn't want to cancel. I told her that it would be no trouble to reschedule, but she insisted, and so, out of admiration for her determination and toughness, I agreed, took her hand, and walked her to my car.

Now things seemed to be okay at first, I figured she was just super tough, but after a little while I realized she was starting to get a little bit...well, I guess the word is stoned. She started getting stoned. As it turned out, she had taken some powerful pain medication right before the date started and it was just now starting to kick in.. I probably should have asked what she was taking for the pain (I normally do, it's the pharmacy tech (and natural curiosity) in me), but for some reason, I guess that important question just slipped my mind that night.

Anyway, I was already committed...so I just decided to make the best of the decision...and cut the date short. I decided to follow our original plan and get some food (we'd agreed to dinner beforehand and so I hadn't had anything...and I was hungry), but in response to her suffering I changed the restaurant to one that served shakes so she could have something too (shakes were on her list of things that were okay to eat).

So this was my plan. I figured I'd get a really fast dinner, she'd get her shake, and then I could take her home before the drugs completely took over. Unfortunately, things didn't work out quite so smoothly. You see, she was a bit of a light weight and she started getting really loopy really fast...and even worse, she was the kind of girl that, when she gets doped up, runs off at the mouth and turns off her filter--so she was saying pretty much whatever came to her mind... and she was saying some interesting things

Anyway, we went to dinner and things looked to be okay at first, but after a little while, when the drugs took away her inhibitions, she just sat there staring at me with a blank look on her face. I kept on eating (didn't really know what else to do) and she just kept on watching. After a few minutes of watching me eat, her half lidded eyes started to close, her head dipped, and then she caught herself and came completely awake and said "you know, no offense, but you're a really disgusting eater." I stopped grinding away at my the bite of cheeseburger in my mouth, looked up, smiled, and said "thanks."

I thought it would be funny to talk while chewing (kind of rude for rude, also a little irony for flavor), but she missed all that and just sat there staring at me with the blank expression one normally only finds when they stare a grazing cow in the face.

Now, at this point I should probably describe the cheeseburger I was eating...it was huge! It was so big that it was bigger than my mouth. Because of this, I couldn't quite get my mouth around it, so every bite spread various sauces all over my face. Normally when someone attempts a burger of this size, people, out of respect for your ambition, give you a little leeway and they don't expect you to eat that monster burger without making a mess. I mean, if the burger is huge it won't go down without a fight...and when you fight you get dirty...so when you eat a big burger you get dirty--simple logic. Well, she didn't agree. After my second bite, right as I'm reaching for my napkin, she reaches over with her own napkin and wipes my face and says "there, let me get that for ya. It was kinda bothering me."

Now, this was my second bite so it couldn't have been bothered her for long, but I just swallowed, took the awkward (and somewhat kind) gesture stoically...and then self-consciously surrendered to my burger.

And now you may say "what does it mean to surrender to a burger?", well, my friend, I'm glad you asked. To surrender to a burger is to admit that it is too big for you alone, so rather than eat it with both hands like a man, you pull out the white flag (napkin), take out extra artillery (silverware) and then you cut up your food like your mother used to back before you were coordinated enough to do it yourself. So, since I couldn't bear to have her reach over the table again, I surrendered to my burger, bowed my head, and cut up my burger in defeat--it was humiliating.

Other than her painful remarks about food, she ran off at the mouth on some other things. I found out she thought I was really great, so great in fact that I reminded her of her boyfriend (turns out she was dating a guy at BYU and since they were so far away they were dating other people, but they still planned on marrying once he graduated). I found out she didn't really like the Beatles (deal breaker). I found out she didn't like my most of our common friends....basically I found out way more than I wanted, way more than she wanted to tell me, and certainly way more than I ever would have heard if she was sober. But luckily, I also heard enough to know that I should never ask her out again, that I should get out of the restaurant as soon as possible, and that I should cut my losses.

We never really talked much after that. We knew each other from institute and we'd always had wonderful conversations, but I just couldn't get the bad taste of that date out of my mouth...and I didn't really see any reason why I should. I mean, I'm all about having a good experience for the sake of having a good experience... and dating can be that with the right person, but I think I draw the line at semi-betrothed women who sick up at the sight of me eating a cheeseburger.

Anyway, that's my worst date ever.

Funny Story #3

Okay, here is one of my favorite stories (I'm getting close to my goal of 15 posts!)

So, it's about 1 year after high school. I have a sore throat (I'm noticing a trend of crazy stories when I'm not well...anyway) so I decide to get some ice cream. I find my brother and ask him if he wants to get some ice cream. He says "sure" and we're off.

We went to Albertsons and Baskin Robins but they were both closed (or out of ice cream). I drive around for a little while and then settled on going to Coldstone (I've never liked the place).

When I entered the place the guy told me they were closing and that they had already cleaned their counter (where they mix all the ice cream) so I was out of luck. I asked him if there was any way he could sell me ice cream cause I had a sore throat and I really needed something to soothe it. He said the only thing he could sell me was an ice cream cake.

I looked over at the ice cream cakes and my first thought was "I really don't need that much." These cakes were huge. They were about half again as large as a regular birthday cake. I looked at the price on the things and it said they were 25 bucks...I had a sore throat but it wasn't that sore. I started to walk away, but then I noticed that one said "Happy Mother's Day" on it. I looked to the guy and asked if I could get a deal on the Mother's Day cake. I said something like "hey, Mother's day was a week ago, you can't sell that cake for full price anymore." He said "good point, I'll give you 5 bucks off."

So I bought the ice cream cake for 20 dollars and started to walk out the store. I at least felt like I got a good deal. But as I started walking out the door I looked to my brother and said "I just paid 20 bucks for ice cream." I didn't like the idea of paying that much so I decided to go back in and talk until I felt better. My brother said "there is no way you'll get your money back." I knew he was probably right, but I thought I'd try to get my money back anyway.

I walked back into the place and told him I wanted to take the cake back. He looked at me like I was crazy, and then he looked at his fellow worker and said "can we do that? I've never done a return before." I saw their discomfort so I decided to start talking. I quickly made up a law that I thought sounded convincing and said, "you're legally required to take products back unless stated otherwise in a return policy, either on a sign in the store, verbally, or a receipt." The guy bought that (and hey, for all I know it it's true), and he gave me my 20 bucks and I gave him the cake.

But as I handed him the cake I saw him put the cake aside and I started to wonder about the cake's fate. After all, I still wanted it, I just didn't want to pay 20 bucks for it. So I asked him, "what do people do these days with returned mother's day cakes?"

He shrugged and said "I don't know, we can't sell it cause it's been exposed to the public...we'll probably just throw it away."

I looked at him in shock and said, "I won't be able to sleep tonight knowing you're gonna throw that cake away. That's such a waste."

He said "well, I certainly can't sell it again, it's been exposed to the public."

I said "wow, I just held it for a minute, I'm sorry for 'exposing' it. It really is a beautiful cake, I'm just afraid it's more cake than I need right now in my life."

He checked to see if I was playing with him, and I guess I sorta was.... "well I don't know if you did anything to it so I really can't sell it."

I replied, "well I didn't, so please promise me you won't throw that away."

He thought for a second and then said "well, maybe...."

I could see he was thinking about taking it home. I had an idea, I figured it was a long shot, but I also figured it wouldn't hurt to ask...so offered him an alternative and said, "hey, I got an idea. If you can't sell the cake, and since I'm the only person who knows I didn't do anything to it, I think I should probably be the one to take it home."

He looked at me like I was crazy. After all, I had just taken that cake back and received my money.

He said "no I think I'll just take it home."

I started to laugh and said "wow, you're a brave man, that cake has been 'exposed to the public', you have no idea if I did anything to it."

I started to see him think a bit and he said "you said you didn't do anything to it."

I laughed and said "yeah, I did say that, but can you trust me? I'm the kind of guy that takes a cake back for a refund. I wouldn't trust me."

He said "fine I'll throw it away."

I said "honestly, I'll feel horrible if you're going to throw that away, you might as well give it to me if you're gonna throw it away. At least that way someone gets to enjoy it."

Now, he probably just wanted to get rid of me cause it was late. I could see him working things over in his head. He was trying to figure out if this was really happening, if I was really trying to walk off with a cake I had just returned. I didn't think he'd go for it, but after a while he just dropped his shoulders, sighed, and said resignedly "fine take it."

When he handed me back my cake I've never felt so proud.

As I walked to my car my brother looked up and saw the cake in my hand and gave me a knowing smile, looking sorta vindicated, cause he saw the cake in my hand and figured I'd failed. Then I lifted up my other hand with the 20 dollar bill in it...

His face slowly turned into a grin and he clapped. I took a mock bow and walked to the car.

I drove home feeling like a champ. That might be the best cake I ever had. And here's the life lesson of it all: that cake tasted so good because I worked so hard for it.

Opposites

Well here's a post on opposites.

I asked a few people today what it means to be an opposite. Most people answered with something like, "an opposite is what is most different from something." Or in other words "A is the opposite of B if A is as different as it can possibly be from B." Ironically, I think it's just the opposite (well sorta).

You see, opposites are made by similarities. For example, what is the opposite of white? Most people would say black. But why? Well, most likely because, as far as the color spectrum goes, they are the most different. But that's my point. If black and white weren't both colors they wouldn't be opposites. It's their similarity that makes it so you can conceive of them as opposites, otherwise you'd just call them "different."

Here's another example. What if someone said "what's the opposite of courage?" and someone said "tow truck!" ....because they have no (obvious) properties in common, most people would say that's a ridiculous answer.

So it's not difference that makes something an opposite, rather, it's difference among similarities. And since it is possible for something to be different without being an opposite, it follows that similarity is actually what distinguishes an opposite.

So, my new running definition for an opposite is "the greatest possible difference regarding a common predicate." Or, in other words, the most different similarity.

Maybe this is why so many people say "opposites attract." Maybe they just like someone who is similar to them, but in a totally different flavor.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about today.

Funny Story #2

Hey Everyone,
Well, don't have much to do so I thought I'd blog a bit. I was going to visit an old friend tonight but they had to travel out of town for work at the last minute...so here I am. I think it's for the best; I set a goal to post 15 times this month...not sure why, just felt I should set a goal for something.

Anyway, here is another story. I thought of this story because the person it's about just recently added me as a friend on Facebook. So, enough intro, here's the story...

I had just gotten off work at the pharmacy. I'd graduated from high school about 2 years before, so the year was 2002. I was eating dinner with my friend James. We had just closed the pharmacy for the night and were both hungry. I was pretty sick at the time, I didn't really feel all that sick, but I had a very runny nose and I was sneezing all the time--I sounded way sicker than I was.

Anyway, as we sat down for dinner my friend Natalie walked past and recognized me. We hadn't seen each other since high school. She was a very pretty girl that had dated my friend through most of high school.

She sat down at my table and we caught up for a bit. She let me know pretty blatantly that she was single now and she thought we should do something sometime. I was totally cool with the idea cause the only thing that ever kept me from asking her out was her dating my friend (admittedly a big thing).

Now, this was back before I had a cell phone (I didn't get one of those till after my mission) so we started floundering trying to find a place for her to write her number down. We looked around for a bit and then finally found a napkin for her to write her number on.

Okay, so everything is going great, right? I just met an old friend, an old very attractive friend, and we're making plans to go on a date sometime soon and catch up....only one problem. I'm still sick.

During this whole conversation my nose was getting more and more out of hand, but I wasn't sniffling ,and I certainly didn't want to rub my snotty nose on my sleeve (at least not in front of her), so I just sat there collecting snot....while my need to blow my nose became more insistent.

She just stayed there way too long and I kept on looking around everywhere and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, to blow my nose on...I was doing a pretty good job I thought--I was holding it in casually enough that she couldn't tell there was an avalanche of snot just waiting at the gates, ready to come out...and the conversation just kept on going, and going, and going, while my need to blow my nose kept on getting worse and worse and worse.

Well, eventually, mid-sentence, I realized I couldn't put off blowing my nose any longer. I scanned quickly for something, anything, to blow my nose on, but I only saw one thing I could use...the napkin with her phone # on it.

I had a split decision to make, I could either let my nose drip (more like pour) everywhere, or I could blow my nose on the napkin she'd just written her number on--I chose the napkin.

So, right after getting a girl's phone # I picked up the napkin and blew my nose on it. Without the aid of the internal dialogue I've just shared with you she had no idea how to take what I'd just done. Her eyes just got really big and she just stared at me like I was the biggest jerk in the world and she said something like "well it was good to see you, take care." Unfortunately I thought the moment was pretty funny...so I started to laugh.

Now, one lesson I've learned since then is to not laugh when you've offended someone because they normally don't see the humor the same way you do. Unfortunately, her indignation just made the situation that much funnier. I tried to explain my situation but she got up and left before I got very far...

In my defense my friend couldn't stop laughing either.

After about a week I tried calling her, but strangely, we never went out.

I know, I know...I'm real smooth.