Happy Birthday Dad! (Updated Version: Emotions Included!)

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

Today is Dad Campbell's 58th birthday! That's the oldest he's ever been so we really need to applaud his accomplishment.

Here are some statistics just to give you all an idea of what he's done...

58 years is 21,185 days

58 years is 30,506,400 minutes

58 years is 508,440 hours

58 years is 3,026 weeks

And now since my dad loves math. Here is his birthday in different number bases.

58 years in base 4 is 322 years old

58 years in base 6 is 134 years old

58 years in base 8 is 72 years old

and now to be kind, 58 years in base 14 is only 42 years old.

So happy 42nd birthday in base 14 dad!

Okay, I better get back to reading...now I'm just procrastinating.

Thanks for everything Dad. I love you.

p.s. thanks for helping to make me. Depending on how you figure it I either owe you 50 percent credit for my being here...or I could owe you about 0.01526 percent credit* for being here.


*That second number is derived by assuming (incorrectly I'm sure) an exact 9 month pregnancy starting in September and ending in June (6,552 hours), and also assuming (completely arbitrarily and for ease in math) that you contributed 1 hour to my conception. That means you contributed 1 hour and mom contributed 6,553. One hour is 0.01526 percent of 6,553 hours. So, in the end, calculating credit for my being here in terms of time spent creating me, you get 0.01526 % credit for me being here and Mom gets 99.98474% credit for my being here. No wonder Mother's day gets way more airplay :)

p.p.s. I feel like I sorta missed the point of recognizing my dad's birthday...so I'm gonna fix that now. Perhaps a blog isn't the best place to write this, but everyone should know how great my dad is so I'm gonna post anyway...

What I wrote above was a fun exercise (numbers are fun!), but I am very certain that numbers are powerless to relate what you mean to me, dad. Although the time you spent in my conception wasn't very impressive, the time you've spent subsequently on my development has been very impressive--and beyond what any son has a right to expect. The person I am today (for better or for worse) is so closely interwoven with your consistent, strong, and loving interest that I doubt it's possible to measure or verbalize the effect you've had on my life. But where math and words fail, I'll just rely on the tried and true method everyone else uses to express this sort of thing: I love you Dad!

Disco Skating

Hey All,

Well, tonight I'm just gonna say what a cool night I had. First off we had stake conference and it was surprisingly good. Not only were two of the speakers good, but I also was able to sit down for a while and write out some ideas I've been working on regarding doubt and faith. I'll probably post those sometime in the future.

After conference a bunch of friends and I got dressed up like people from the 70s ( I ended up in bell-bottoms (sorta tight)) and a shirt with pearl buttons that looked like it belonged on a circa 70s pimp) and then we went skating at a place called "Classic Skating" in Orem. It was really fun. Lots of hijinks.

I have always enjoyed skating, but I've never really enjoyed dancing while skating...but tonight I found out that disco works for me...so I'm all about disco skating. There was a really cool black guy there who had a lot of soul, and he took me under his wing and taught me some fat dance moves. He said I moved pretty well for a white guy. I guess all along I just didn't know my style of music :)

So, he taught me how to dance to "The Carwash" and many other disco tunes that we all know and love. Now I can dance like a black man and I've never been so proud. I will have to return soon.

I also developed a cool maneuver. I have a friend who's 6'5" and he's tall enough for me to come up really fast behind him and baseball slide between his legs and land on my blades without breaking stride. It's a pretty cool move and I'm quite proud of it (I better be careful , this is starting to turn into a bragging post).

Oh, and one funny thing I noticed was that there was this guy there with a huge black afro who had an interesting way of meeting girls. This guy was a really good skater, but every time he got near a girl he got all awkward and forgot how to skate. After a while I noticed he only became awkward near a pretty girl. What this little innovator was doing was skating by girls, becoming awkward, accidentally running into them, then he'd hold their hand so they wouldn't fall, he would laugh and say "oops" and then he'd strike up a conversation. Pretty sneaky. I tried it out once (for science) and it actually works really well. I don't think it's ethical, and I doubt I'll ever do it again, but it's effective. When I tried out the little maneuver my friend Wills saw it, knew what I was doing, and shook his head in mock disapproval. So, if there are any unethical guys out there reading this blog who want an easy way of meeting girls, you can give that a try--and you can thank the creative genius with the black afro.

And finally, the last cool thing was I ran into an old friend. It was really great to see her again. We developed some cool couple moves. It's kinda like figure skating--but for straight people.

So, all in all it was a wonderful night. I think I'll make disco-skate-dancing a more regular activity.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Song

Hey Everyone,
I just got an email from my dad. As it turns out, the Munchkin (née Karynne) has written her first song. It's called "Don't Turn Back." Munchkin did all the singing/songwriting, and Dad played the instruments and did the recording (and there's a good chance he had a hand in all the arranging). Anyway, without further ado...here's the song:

Don't Turn Back

Since this is her first song, she could really use some feedback. I have provided a questionnaire to that end:

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Thanks for helping out!

Hope everyone has a super-duper day! (Friday the 13th)

p.s. I just spoke with my roommate John who does a lot of work in psychology making questionnaires and all that to test crazy people. He just informed me that my quiz isn't long enough to give a proper sampling. So, sorry...it's not a very scientific questionnaire. However, since it's short, everyone should fill it out. It's anonymous (all we can do is see how many people take it) so you won't have to face Munchkin's wrath if you click anything mean.

Some Pretty Fly Art

About a week ago my brother Tim sent me some really funny pictures made by a brilliant artist named Flychelangelo. I thought I'd share them here--they're pretty funny. (if you click on the images they get bigger (and they're funnier when they're bigger))





Isn't that one so sweet? Mommy and baby (although different species...)






And on the topic of bugs, two days ago I was lying on my bed reading a book on my laptop. I had my head propped up against the headboard, the laptop on my stomach, and I was just reading away. While I was in this peaceful state I noticed that there was a spider between me and my screen. The spider was slowly letting itself down from the ceiling right onto my chest. It really caught me by surprise. I broke the web and the spider just hung there from my hand. I tried to carry the little guy to the window and throw him out but he started to climb up the web toward my hand. I didn't wanna get bit so I dropped the little guy and stepped on him. That's when I realized it wasn't a little guy... it was a little girl cause cause it was a black widow--male black widows can't exist cause widows are girls (are male black widows called "black widowers"?).

So, that was a pretty close one. What was even weirder was the next day I was sitting at my desk and another spider (in my imagination it's the mate of the one I killed (so this was the black widower)) skittered across my desk heading straight for me. I think it was bent on revenge. Luckily I saw him in time and took him out with a well placed karate chop. So, so far it's me: 2 spiders: 0. I'm just gonna have to be careful when I go to sleep...and I'm gonna need to buy some anti-venom.

p.s. I just had another spider attack me. I believe I might have a feud going on with these spiders now. This spider also died from a well placed karate chop. However, this spider was not a black widow. It looks as if they're recruiting outside help. It was a brown spider...perhaps they're outsourcing.

Oh, and this next picture is completely unrelated to anything else in this post, but I thought it was funny (someone just asked me who that's a picture of... Charles Darwin).

In-N-Out

I just wanted to make a post about how much I love In-N-Out...and how excited I am that they're opening one in Orem on the 19th.

I had heard news of the In-N-Out but I always felt like it was too far away. I didn't even know where they were building it. But last night I went on a date to go see a play at UVU, and as I was driving home I looked to my right and I saw a beautiful golden arrow: the beautiful arrow that says delicious taste at an affordable price is nearby...the beautiful golden arrow that says "you're home." I almost cried. I felt like I was instantly transported to California. I drove up to the restaurant to get the details. Unfortunately, I didn't see any information posted, but just being around the place, seeing the familiar architecture, the outdoor dining umbrellas, the stone cut tables...it felt so good.

I decided to break the place in so I took my date to the nearest drive through and we both got shakes. We then drove back to the In-N-Out and had our shakes under the familiar In-N-Out umbrellas. I can honestly claim for the rest of my life that I was one of the first two people to eat a shake at the In-N-Out in Orem. I don't know anyone else who can make that sort of claim about any In-N-Out. Normally people wait for the grand opening and everyone gets a shake at roughly the same time. But not this In-N-Out. From now on when people talk of this restaurant I can say "yeah, I was the first person to take a date there, I was the first person to have a shake there"...and any other variation of saying "neener neener neener I was there first." (Now, I realize that it wasn't an In-N-Out shake, but who cares? I still can make the claim and I plan on it.)

It was kinda funny, they had a security guard at the place that was watching it 24/7. When we went up to the tables he drove up to us and told us that we had to leave (I kinda figured we weren't supposed to be there cause the area was taped off). The man was kind of hard at first, but after I bore my testimony to him of how much I love In-N-Out...after I told him how I would never deface that beautiful building, after I told him what In-N-Out means to me, and what it represents from my childhood, he told us (almost teary eyed) that we could stay for as long as we wanted.

As we sat down to have our shakes some people drove up to see what was going on. At first I felt a little guilty cause I thought the people were coming to the In-N-Out because it looked like we were customers and the place was open. The security guard swooped on them to chase them away. However, they turned out to be the the In-N-Out employees sent to the area to open up the new location. They were excited to meet us and they invited us to the grand opening.

So, that's my In-N-Out story. I doubt I'll make it to the grand opening cause I hate big crowds...but I was there for the real grand opening. Cause when two people are brought together under the magic of that golden arrow to unhealthily consume exquisite tasting, but nevertheless body destroying calories... well, that's what In-N-Out is all about.

Goodbye Mr. Chill

I just want to share a picture of Mr. Chill before I have to destroy him. As you can see, time hasn't been kind to him and his inward rottenness has spread throughout his face, causing receding gums and sunken eyes. Fortunately, at the last minute I was able to perform surgery on him--now he's a cyborg. You can tell he's a cyborg because of the "vision augmenter"I installed in his left eye. Mr. Chill can now see through walls.


Fig. 1 Mr. Chill in cyborg mode featuring vision augmenter.

I wish I could share a picture of the girlfriend I carved for him at a ward function. Only problem is she's disappeared (she started to smell pretty fast cause she was already an old pumpkin when I carved her). I think Mr. Chill might have had something to do with her disappearance... perhaps one of my roommates was in collusion with Mr. Chill.

And a strange thing about her death, it has had a surprising effect on Mr. Chill. I still think Mr. Chill killed her, but even though he killed her, he misses her. Just the other day I walked past him and I heard him mourning his lady. He said something like "Death lies on her like an untimely frost. Upon the sweetest flower of all the field." I'm not sure why he was quoting Romeo and Juliet, but then again, Mr. Chill was always an evil, but very literate pumpkin.

Anyway, tonight I will throw Mr. Chill off a bridge in a cathartic manner. I already have the perfect bridge in mind.

It is fitting that so violent a life have an equally violent death. He was born to this world under the knife, and he will leave this world thrust to the ground, a pulpy mess under the unrelenting force of gravity. I will miss our little war. He was a noble opponent. Farewell pumpkin!

Hope you all have a great day (at least a better day than Mr. Chill's).

Twilight Writing Contest

Hey Everyone,
Today at church someone came up to me and handed me a flyer for a writing contest and recommended that I enter. It's a contest done through BYU. Here's what the flyer said:

***
This contest, inspired by the upcoming release of Stephenie Myer's second movie, "New Moon," is an opportunity for BYU students to test their writing mettle against the standard set by Ms. Meyer. Write us a paragraph of purple prose, emulating as closely as possible Meyer's overearnest style, though it does not necessarily have to come from the "Twilight" storyline. Winners will receive valuable prizes. Rules for the contest are as simple as baseball apparently is to vampires.
***

Isn't that just delightful? I love how they describe her writing as "over-earnest." Oh, and for those of you who are wondering what "purple prose" is, here is the Wikipedia entry:

"Purple prose is a term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context."

I think that's a really cool description of Stephenie Myers.

So, I decided to participate in this. At first I wasn't even gonna try. Since the contest said to "test your writing mettle against the standard of Stephenie Myers" I was just gonna send in my shopping list...I figured that would meet or exceed the "standard" set in her novels, but then I realized I never go shopping--so I decided to create something original.

Anyway, the contest rules were really simple. You can submit 3 entries. Each entry has to be 100 words or less. And it's due by November 5th....but I didn't need till November 5th. I wrote my entries in under 10 minutes...all 3 of them.

So, now, without further ado...here are my 3 Stephenie Myers imitations. I decided to focus on the three things I noticed from the few pages of the book I read (I borrowed a copy from Rachel...and I felt dirty taking it home with me). They were:

A) How she always makes Bella sound self-conscious and inferior.

2) How she describes beauty in such abstract ways.

iii) How love is forbidden and closely associated with loss (see Petrarchan love themes if you're interested in this trope).

(and yes I did just number those A, 2, and iii...my brain is still turned off from writing the three passages...also, I think it's funny to number things wrong...but I digress...)

Okay here is entry 1. This entry focuses on theme A.

Britney entered the room. I am sitting quietly by myself. I look up to see her walking toward me. I try to hunch down so she won’t see me. Being around her makes my head swim. Near her, everything sounds bad once it leaves my mouth. As she walks up to my table my heart skips a beat. I try to look her in the eye but I feel so awkward, so clumsy. Being so close to her, to her beauty—a goddess in form and grace—I feel like un-worked clay sitting beside the Winged Victory of Samothrace.

(99 words, just under the wire)

Here is entry 2. This entry focuses on theme 2.

Her hair was like a dark river cascading down her back. Her eyes were like sapphires. When she smiled at me it was as welcome and as warm as sunlight after a cold and bitter winter. She put her hand on my arm and spoke to me in a voice that was too light, too pure—too beautiful. I wished I could hold that voice, cling to it, for as it faded, I felt as if heaven faded with it, as if the world was now less, for such beauty can only end in loss.

(95 words)

Here is entry 3. This entry focuses on theme iii.

I reached my hand out and caressed her cheek and looked deeply into her eyes. I could get lost in those eyes. I could die in those eyes. Leaning forward I gently kissed her, her lips so soft against mine, but strangely cold. As I pulled away I felt as if I was separating from my very soul. She put her hand on my shoulder and the world stopped. Right then I had a painful and unrelenting vision. I knew, with all the certainty of a shard of ice through my heart: I would never see her again.

(98 words).

Anyway, that's my attempt at writing like Stephenie Myers. It was kinda fun...and pretty easy. And here's a pro:tip. If you really want to enjoy the paragraphs, read them out loud (and dramatically)...it really brings out how silly they are.

Anyway, hope you all have a great day.

p.s. if I win this contest I get a free dinner and 2 tickets to see "New Moon." If anyone in the Provo area wants those tickets let me know. I certainly have no use for them.