Decisions Decisions

There are so many decisions to make right now. Honestly, I don't see why the system is set up so that nearly every important decision in your life is made all at the same time....and then you live with the consequences of those decisions the rest of your life.

When it's come to life altering decisions I've always been a bit hesitant. This is probably why it took me nearly 2 years to decide to serve a mission. Strangely, coming to BYU wasn't a very hard decision, but nearly everything else has been. So, I guess it's not surprise that I'm struggling to pick a career

What do you use to calculate such a decision. Potential for money? Life satisfaction? Potential for advancement? How you'll better the world? What you're good at? A bit of all of these?

I've always been blinded by possibilities. It's hard to make a decision when there are so many positive options...and I have a lot of possibilities. Not to sound vain, but I'm pretty sure I could excel in nearly any professional field. I can't think of anything I've studied in school that I wasn't pretty good at. Well, I guess there are some professions I'd be bad at....like professional Basketball (too white) or French studies (don't know French and don't want to learn).

But I'm pretty sure that if I really wanted, I could do nearly anything(I must have had too much encouragement as a kid).

So, what to do? The most immediate and lucrative use of my talents would be law. I know I could make a good living at that. I doubt I'd ever have to worry about a job. The problem is I've been talking to a lot of lawyers...they're not happy people. I have a friend who recently graduated from law school and he's already going through a divorce. He didn't count on working 80 hours a week (what every young lawyer does trying to make a name for themselves) and neither did his wife (soon to be ex-wife). They never see each other, he's stressed, he can't handle the stress, she can't handle how he handle's the stress...and they're calling it quits. That's really scary to me. I want to take into account how my profession will wear on my soul, and I don't know if I'd like the person I'd become as a lawyer. I enjoy debating and thinking, but I don't know if I like the viciousness that seems such a part of law...and I'm afraid that if I was married I'd bring that home with me. Although I'm pretty argumentative, when I argue it's for fun. I never want to hurt anyone. I think I'm a pretty gentle person. So, if I was required to argue to advance myself at the expense of someone else, I'm pretty sure I could do that, and probably quite effectively, but I don't know if I'd be happy.

I think there should probably be more to picking a job than money and convenience. But at the same time I need to be practical. Luckily, I'm not married so I don't have to be practical yet. For all I know maybe that's the reason I'm not married. Cause I know if I was engaged or seriously committed to someone I'd probably become pragmatic and go straight to law. I'd rush my application and attend school in the coming fall, put in my 3 years and make some money. But now, since that's really not a concern, I have some time to think and reflect about the course I'm going to take.

As usual, when I'm really confused about what to do, I went to talk to my mission president. He gave me the same counsel he gave me five years ago: do what I do! I thought about it and I must say...he has a great life. He has a beautiful home, he's well respected, he always had time to be with his family...life has been good for him.

Here are the perks of his job (according to him). 1) you work with real people. 2) it requires you to be creative. 3) you need to write well. 4) you can teach college or you can work in the private sector (if you wanna make the big bucks). 5) it's a growing field so you'd be laying the foundation for a growing discipline. (by the way, his degree is in instructional technology).

This really makes sense for me cause (as my many years in college has demonstrated) I love education. I like the feel of being on a college campus and talking with smart people about their interests. I live for animated discussions where people disagree and work out their ideas through carefully laid out arguments.

But, most of all, my patriarchal blessing says I'd be happy and blessed and able to support a family if I entered the field of education (for my gentile brethren a patriarchal blessing is a priesthood blessing given at the onset of adulthood that gives counsel and advice as well as promises regarding one's life).

So, I think I'm gonna make a compromise. I'm going to take the GRE and apply to some programs in Instructional Technology. I'm still gonna apply to law schools, and if I can get into a top 10 school on a full scholarship I might still go that route (I'd likely be able to teach law which wouldn't be the lawyer lifestyle and I could handle that).

But my profession isn't the only decision I'm struggling with. I'm trying really hard to figure out what to do about that whole marriage thing. I've always liked the idea of getting married, but I've never liked the examples I've seen of marriage. I've seen a lot of couples get divorced lately. I think there is a divorce boom around most people's late 20s. All their friends that married too young and too immaturely, or married for the wrong reasons at about 5 to 10 years realize their mistake and decide to jump ship before they're too old to find someone new. This is really sad and it has been hard for me to watch.

I don't think I'd make it through a divorce. I love people pretty intensely (when I actually do love which is very rare), but this also means that it's harder for me to recover when I love someone and the relationship ends. So, I gotta be really careful regarding whom I marry. I'm gonna get it right the first time or not at all.

But this of course makes me hesitant. Every time I seriously date a girl I begin to wonder things like

If we fought would she want to fix things or hold a grudge
Would she give up if (probably more accurate to say "when") things got rough
Would she take responsibilities as a mother seriously
Would I enjoy being around her 10 years later..20
Can she make me laugh
Does she love God, does she want to raise children that also love God, does she have conviction in these areas?

I guess the thing I would value most is a determination to love God and never give up on the relationship. If those two things are there everything else could probably be worked out. There are some exceptions when a divorce is appropriate, but these are rare exceptions and I think generally people should honor the promises they make to each other.

But how can you tell if someone is consistent? How can you tell their dedication in hard times when times aren't hard? One would think you could figure things out by evaluating their decisiveness...it is reasonable to assume that someone who stands by a decision made in small matters would indicate conviction in larger matters. But, I don't buy that. I know that as far as relationships go I'm very indecisive because I place so much weight on them. Often decisiveness is the daughter of apathy. I know that once I make a decision that I feel good about it I'm invested. Whether it was my missionary service or my education, once I decided to take that route I was immovable. Also, when I've decided I've cared for someone I've also been immovable...which is both good and bad I guess. Anyway, all I"m saying is that I'm on the surface very indecisive in matters of relationships and career...but that's not really true because I'm extremely decisive once the first step is in place (here decisiveness is determined by the subsequent decisions following the initial one (I realize saying I'm decisive after a decision seems strange)).

One other thing I've been thinking about lately is humility. I've been spending time with a lot of good friends in the Philosophy major...a very pompous group at times. Everyone in our group is very bright. Everyone in our group knows they're bright. And they spend so much time talking about smart things...making sure everyone in the group is aware they're bright. I love our discussions but I think I gotta be careful. I hate listening to people talk about how smart they are and how clear their thinking is...and recently I've found myself being flashy with knowledge, being arrogant, talking about my achievements. I really don't want to be a braggart, I don't think I am a braggart at heart, but at times I probably come across as one. Honestly, it's because I find so many subjects so interesting I want to share them with people...not because I want to force people to recognize my education. But I don't know if it comes across that way.

I remember a talk Elder Maxwell gave years ago about this topic. He mentioned how he was never very good at math and his daughter would always ask him for help and he wasn't of much assistance...his area of expertise was political science. Well, one day his daughter had a question about political science and he responded to her with a long and windy discourse about the many different ways of taking the subject. His daughter listened patiently and then said "I just needed to know the short version but thanks." Elder Maxwell said that from this experience he realized that we often teach or share for our own benefit or aggrandizement and not to answer the needs of other people. He knew he wasn't good at math, but was a genius in Political Science...so when the opportunity came he took advantage of it...but too much.

Anyway, I gotta be careful that I don't talk people's ears off talking about what I think is important because I want to sound smart...it's gotta be because I want to help someone or I think they might enjoy what I have to say. I hope I walk this line well but I'm not sure that I do. My philosophy friends make me wonder if maybe I don't toe the line as well as I'd thought, because I doubt they're aware of how they come across.

Well, who knows, maybe I'm overthinking things...it wouldn't be the first time.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. Sorry that there wasn't much funny or interesting in this post...it's been pretty reflective. But, I feel better having worked the ideas out (I think better writing...more concrete (also some people have said (why I can't figure out) that they enjoy hearing how I'm doing and what I'm thinking so here ya go)).

Maybe I'll be very grateful someday that it took me so long to find someone to marry...because I have two weak spots regarding decision making--relationships and career. Taking so long has caused me to value relationships more deeply and it has given me time to work through the proper career to take without the pressure of providing for a family. All I know is once I get these two details squared away I'll be focused, ambitious, and dedicated at excelling in both. I guess I just gotta take those first steps.

Okay, now I really am gonna stop writing.