Well, I've been thinking about how conflicted I get when I try to figure out what I feel for a girl. It is very frustrating for me to care about anyone cause when I do all my caution, all my comfort, all my thinking...it just seems to get tossed out the window by my tyrant emotions. I have a carefully balanced life, and in my mind there is no room for anyone else. I've found falling in love to be quite similar to having an unwanted house guest...they come in and throw off your routine, complicate your life...and you're always left in a mess when they leave. But, cynicism aside, I have decided to write a letter (or more accurately letters) to depict what I think as I try to figure out whether a girl is worth the inevitable frustration. I am rarely this open with my thoughts so I doubt I have expressed them very well. What I've written is what I often think/feel (and what I can only imagine others think/feel to some extent) when they try to decide how they feel about someone. So, here is my attempt at a very honest (and because of this, very unorthodox) "love" letter. I hope you enjoy it.
Dear X
Well, I’ve been debating whether I should try to tell you how I feel about you. My problem is that I’m not sure that I know myself. I’ve given serious thought to what I should say to you about my feelings. Every time I try to figure them out I just get confused. It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you, and it’s not that I’m unaware my feelings; the problem is the variance in my feelings. I am so across the board in my emotions (as far as you’re concerned) that I feel that if I were to make a statement regarding how I feel I would only hint at, and probably truncate, the breadth of my feelings for you. So, in the interest of explaining myself and letting you know where I’m coming from, I thought I would explain my position from three different perspectives. Hopefully one of these three perspectives will resonate with you and make my intentions clear.
I know telling you the same thing from three different perspectives sounds crazy. To be honest I think it might be a dumb idea. But since it promises to be a fun creative writing exercise I’m going to do it anyway. I think a movie came out a while ago called “Vantage Point” or something like that that played with this idea. In the movie there was a single event, but the truth of the event could only be had when the viewpoints of all the onlookers were put together into a single picture….or something like that. Well, similarly, the truth of how I feel will be told from three different vantage points. Hopefully from the different shades of the truth brought on by a single cause (you) you will be able to synthesize correctly the multifaceted (and multidirectional) feelings I have for you.
Now, I’m not saying that my feelings are so deep that they warrant three perspectives. Rather, I am saying that my feelings are so conflicting they deserve three perspectives. Because, you see, I feel all the things I’m going to tell you, and all these feelings at times are mutually exclusive. Sometimes one feeling outweighs the others and I decide on a course of action, then later that feeling falls below the surface and another takes its place that leads me to some other course of action. But, I’ve been going on for too long on what I will say and I’m not saying all that much. So, let me get to it. My three different perspectives will be explored in three different letters. One letter will be romantic, one letter will be reasonable, and one letter will be spiritual. Hopefully from these three letters my true feelings will become clear. Please keep in mind as you read what I write that my feelings are still developing, and as such, they are only half-formed and unclear. My intent is to let you know what I’m thinking—not what I’ve thought. These are ideas in process, when you’re done reading you’ll know as much as I do. Well, enough of that, on with the letters. Enjoy!
Speaking Romantically…
Dear X,
I think about you all the time. Sometimes I wish I thought about you less, but deep down, I wonder at this because these thoughts make me feel wonderful. Every time we go out it is the highlight of my week. I often think too much, and my thoughts are sometimes too analytic, but when I’m with you I just feel peace and comfort. When I’m with you I feel the way I think I should feel. I know it sounds silly but your presence is like sunshine. When I’m around you I feel warm, alive, I feel….right. Every time you laugh I feel like something clicks inside me, like some part of me just fit a little bit better than it did before. Your sense of humor puts me at ease, your kindness opens my heart, and your humility softens my pride. Put simply, you are wonderful. But for all these feelings of rightness there is something wrong too. I wonder at how I can feel so much for someone I don’t even know all that well. I wonder how I can reasonably maintain feelings of such intensity. But, when I feel these warnings, I just say to myself “why worry, why be afraid of feeling too good?” All I need to do to remove my misgivings is to think on how you make me feel. When I do this my reservations fade away into nothingness the way last night’s dreams fade away with the fog of sleep. Simply put, if the quality of one’s life after meeting someone is any indicator of feelings, then I feel for you, and I feel strongly for you. You lift me up, you brighten my life. I am grateful that I met you. You have improved my life and my only wish is to return the favor.
Speaking Analytically…
Dear X,
I am not sure exactly what was just written but it sounds like someone cut up the screenplays from various romantic comedies and then vomited them on a page. Why are conflicting feelings romantic? Why is it that you have such an effect on him? Didn’t he say that he doesn’t know you all that well? Is this some sort of amazing unconditional love? What is the value of love if it is not predicated on the qualities of the person at which it is directed? If he doesn’t know you well he can’t love you well. Can you really be as good as he says you are? Are those feelings justified? How do you feel? Why does he feel so strongly for you if you don’t reciprocate? Isn’t it a bit strange that he feels so much more than you? Don’t you think it’s possible that he is idealizing you? Do you feel comfortable being thought so highly of? Honestly, are you that wonderful? Is anyone? If love distorts who you are isn’t it wrong to idealize love as we do? If love is nothing more than a distortion of the idealized then the “power of love” is nothing more than the power of misrepresentation. While it is true that he does feel better and happier around you, I think he should evaluate those feelings closely. Pragmatically you have some positive effect on him, but the nature of why you have this effect is the real issue. Could he feel that way with someone else? Does he have enough experience to properly judge the feelings he is experiencing now with the feelings he’d experience if he loved someone else? These are questions that deserve answering, and in my mind, they either make or break his idea of you. While I’m sure you’re a wonderful girl, I refuse to believe that you are as wonderful as he sees you. Frankly, his love for you just isn’t practical; it is not founded in reality. His love for you is founded in raw emotion and idealized feelings. I wish you two well but I cannot take part in this. Unless a realistic foundation for your relationship develops I cannot see his feelings for you lasting for any length of time.
Speaking Spiritually…
Dear X,
Wow, that analytical guy is a joy kill. Where does he get off? I want to side with my romantic friend and let you know that something about this feels right. I’ve prayed about it, and while I wouldn’t ever push the impressions I get on anyone and say “the Lord has spoken,” I will say this much, the Lord didn’t say no! I know that when I was younger I dated a girl and I prayed about whether it was a good idea to pursue the relationship and I was told very clearly it was a bad idea. I dated the girl anyway and she threw me into a tailspin that I never really recovered from. Dating her was my own little homage to Joseph’s loss of the the 116 pages—very painful but very instructive. So, I’d never say to you that God approves of us together but I do know that he doesn’t disapprove of it. I feel positive around you. I know you’re a good person. You love God and you love those around you. The type of love you exude can only be had by someone who is living their life correctly. You have a bright and sensitive spirit, you are loving and kind. You exemplify the teachings of Jesus Christ. For all these things I can safely say that whoever ends up with you will be amazingly blessed. When it all comes down to it, the most important factor in any relationship is the ability to love, and as we learn in the scriptures, the ability to love (at least in its purest form--Charity) is a gift from God. That is why God must be the center and the foundation of any relationship. I believe my romantic friend is a good person and he understands what is necessary to have a Christ centered relationship. I believe you do as well. So, I see the possibility of your relationship as a possibility with sure footing. The question is whether it feels right to you. Despite my romantic friend’s flowery words you must decide for all the right reasons that pursuing something with him is what you want Honestly, if you ask me he comes on a little strong. But, that analytic fellow isn’t much better—he is so far lost to real feeling that I doubt you can trust a thing he says. I am not saying to focus on what is good, and I’m not saying to focus on what is reasonable…I want you to focus on what is right. Does this feel right? If so, then take hold of it, and take the best of all possible worlds and make some happiness for yourself. Or…you can run. If you run I’ll tell you what will happen…romance guy will cry, analytic guy will say “I told you so” and I’ll pray for you to be happy wherever you go.
**Disclaimer: people have asked me if this post reflects my feelings for a specific person. My answer to this is both yes and no. I wrote this post because I was unsure how I felt about someone, but this depiction is dramatized, and, as such, not (at least wholly) representative of my feelings for that person.**
carefree
8 years ago
3 comments:
Dear Romantic,
I have spent long periods of my life rolling and tumbling head over heels and never regretted the bruises I've collected. Unfortunately, I enjoy the euphoria of infatuation so much that I've never made it beyond that. Where you are is a good place to be, but certainly what comes after--that which is born of dedication and groundedness--is far better still.
Dear Analytic,
My incessant longing to understand the Whys and Hows and to feel justified and reasonable have held me back from doing thing that might have caused me some regret but just as equally might have brought me glory. What, in your mind, would constitute a love "founded on reality"? Is enjoyable time spent together totally immaterial? Are not good feelings in some sense real?
You will never love until you can embrace the fact that love requires some dismissal of self preservation. You are not so analytic as you think; you're just afraid you might be wrong. No one will ever be able to prove you made a mistake if you error by not acting, but if you make a mistake by doing something you didn't have to do, you will be unable to hide it. You know this. You know if you fail through inaction, the failure is unprovable, so it is safer to let some beautiful slip through your fingers and be lost rather than cling to it at risk of crushing it.
You, sir, will live a long, lonely, rational life.
Dear Spiritual,
Art thou not the greatest of these three brothers? Who but thee canst lead lovers unto exaltation? We all lose our Books of Lehi from time to time, but God always prepareth the Small Plates for our redemption. Who knoweth but that X be your small plates? God alone, and he hath given thee no warning. If by strengthening Romantic with the wisdom of eternity thou createst something infinite, Analytic will add to it the power of steely determination--thou canst not fail. I grant thee that God's lack of "Nay" doth not equate "Yea, verily," but to presume that no temporary joy is worth thy while is to condemn thyself never to find that eternal joy that is thy God-given desire to seek.
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