The Wrong Thing

Sometimes I try to say the perfectly wrong thing.

You may think this isn't that hard to do, but it really is.

I know what you're thinking...."How hard can it be to be wrong?"

And I understand your reasoning. Most people look at being right in almost mathematical terms. They think of being right like taking a math test where, for or any given problem, there is only one correct answer and a countably (sometimes uncountably) infinite number of incorrect answers...so if you want to get the wrong answer all you gotta do is write something and you have a 1 over infinity chance of producing the answer you want (sorry, math friends, for treating infinity like a number).

Well, I gotta say that being perfectly wrong is a lot harder than that.

You see, in most day to day situations the right and the wrong answers aren't very clear. We usually deal in shades, and when there are shades we usually have a "more correct" and a "less correct" answer. And when there are degrees, the less correct answers range from "almost plausible" to "so stupid your soul cries."

Here are some examples.

Say a person asks you: "What were the names of the boats Columbus sailed on?"

Correct answer: Columbus sailed on 3 boats: the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria."

More correct answer: Columbus sailed with 3 boats: the Pinta, Santa Maria, and Santa Clara (nicknamed Nina).

Less correct: Columbus sailed on boats with Spanish names.

Even less correct: Columbus sailed on boats with Mexican sounding names.

Least correct: That's a trick question. Columbus wasn't a sailor. Columbus was a detective on a syndicated crime drama featuring Peter Falk. The show was so popular they eventually named a holiday after it."

As you can see. The answer can be traditional. The answer can be more correct and snooty. The answer can be ignorant. The answer can be ignorant and painfully ethnocentric. And the answer can be stupid and a little bit funny.

So, what I'm getting at is there are a lot of wrong answers and each wrong answer (and right answer) has a particular flavor....and somewhere there is the most wrong answer. Finding this wrong answer requires you to 1) know the right answer, and then 2) deviate from that answer as much as possible. This requires skill, and this is why coming up with the worst answer can be a really fun and creative game.

Here's an example of the absolute worst answer.

Last Sunday a girl was telling me about eating disorders. She was telling me the statistics of how many girls have them etc., and I was listening attentively. Now, I agree it's horrible how many people (women in particular) suffer from eating disorders. I also agree that eating disorders, in a large measure, are the result of the unreasonable expectations placed upon women.

But, I also know that there is very little I can do about this, and that I'd much rather laugh than talk about such a depressing topic. So, when she said"Did you know that only 3 percent of women are happy with their bodies?" I thought about all the answers available to me. I weighed the direction the conversation was going. I thought on the objectification of women and how their objectification leads to mental illness and dissatisfaction with life....and I said, "Wow, I bet that 3 percent is really hot."

That, I'm pretty sure, was the worst possible response.

And I'm almost 90 percent sure she knew I was joking.

Anyway, this is a fun game. You should try it out. Just don't play with people who don't like you/are looking for evidence against you/are easily offended. Oh, and don't play this game if you plan to run for public office.

Actually, on second thought, do play this game if you plan to run for public office....it will make your campaign more interesting.

Hope you all have a great day.