The Social Universe

Last night I went to ward prayer. That's something they do in singles wards throughout Utah. It's basically a chance for young people to get together on Sunday night and socialize (which for singles wards usually means flirting and planning one's date for the upcoming week).

Anyway, since this was the first ward prayer of the new school year it was very well attended, and all the guys were in top form.

What is top form? Well, the guys were running around and forming small flocks around the pretty girls. Those pretty girls were each like a nexus or hub....actually, while both those similes work, I think I'm gonna change course and say they're like little suns...

Alright...prepare yourself for a long and drawn out simile/metaphor.

These very attractive girls are like suns. The orbitals around them are guys (planets).

Okay, and now that that image is in place we need to account for all the less fortunate women who, sadly, lack the physical endowments necessary to generate social gravitational pull.

These unfortunate women are moons. They cannot attract (physically or gravitationally), so they are relegated to orbitals themselves: around the men. So, these women orbit the men (planets) who in turn orbit the suns (pretty girls). Lunar girls can do nothing but reflect the light from their more fortunate sisters.

This sounds a bit convoluted, but, sadly, it's quite accurate.

I noticed this cause I spent a good portion of this past ward prayer watching people closely cause I needed to find a few people to help me in my calling. To better watch for potential aides, I sat on the porch (which is elevated) so I could get a feel for everyone's conversation. As I sat up there, I had this realization: a social gathering is a mini universe.

It really was quite funny. I enjoyed the epiphany so much I decided I needed to share it here.

Imagine with me....Little clusters of people, all of them centered on a highly attractive object (albeit aesthetic rather than gravitational). Each system somewhat discreet, but all sharing a similar form. I was surprised I'd never noticed it before.

So, now that you can envision the situation, let's focus on the conversations taking place therein.

The one thing all these conversations had in common was how hard the guys were working at being funny.

A cluster of guys would surround a girl and sorta corner her. Upon doing so, they'd feign interest in every uninteresting detail of her life. As the girl would speak the guys would savor her every word and try to come up with clever witticisms that coincided with whatever she'd said.

The most successful guys were those who could come up with the most material based on her limited character exposition.

These witty fellows were rewarded for their efforts with her interest. Once a guy has interest, he takes on the role of conversation lead....until he says something stupid, loses control, spins out, and the girl loses interest. When she loses interest, she becomes neutral. At this time other guys can once again vie for her patronage.

Honestly, when you watch these situations closely it makes you feel bad. It makes guys look like a bunch of wolves fighting for scraps, pushing each other out of the way, trying to be the center of attention...

It's sorta sad how a pretty girl can turn the best of men into a complete moron.

What's really sad is how a pretty girl can turn a complete moron and turn him into....well, whatever is lower than a complete moron.

To wit: last night there was a guy (a complete moron) who had cornered a cute little blonde girl.

Whatever can be said for this guy, he does have a talent for immediately finding the prettiest girl in a room and making her feel uncomfortable. He's a very awkward fellow, and often very inappropriate. If he had some special talent at math or something I'd say he has asperger's syndrome.

Anyway, this chap had cornered a girl.

(by the way, if I was still on the solar system metaphor this guy would be a black hole).

When I saw him corner her I decided to play white night and step in. All I heard was the last end of his pick up line, but it went something like this: "I bet it's hard for you to get things done cause you're always hearing (he then did a very loud cat call))."

She looked very uncomfortable, perhaps even scared (he's sorta a heavy fellow with yellow teeth and a smile that makes you want to call child services).

I asked if I could join the conversation.

She looked grateful.

He looked threatened.

I asked what they were talking about. He repeated his clever cat call joke.

When I didn't laugh he said "You needed to be there."

I said "I'm not sure I'd like that."

I asked him about his life and sorta forced him into a conversation with me. She took that opportunity to escape the conversation and go form a solar system somewhere else. As she left she whispered "thank you."

This of course was an extreme example of the degenerative effect a woman can have upon a guy's discourse (actually a very extreme example cause it was the degeneration of a degenerate), but it does highlight the issue: pretty girls bring out the most competitive and insincere in men.

(Although, to be fair, women also bring out the very best in men: they inspire them to new heights of creativity, caring, etc.....unfortunately, these uplifting influences usually manifest themselves after marriage. Until then, guys are a relatively depraved lot, fighting and snapping at each other, ravenously pursuing whatever girl will give them the time of day.....it's not a very flattering description, but it is often deserved)

Okay, so now that I've stated my case (probably stronger than is deserved) I must now admit that there are some exceptions...some men behave like gentlemen.

Also, it is sorta unfair to characterize all men as I have--not all guys use wit (or at least try to use wit) to differentiate themselves. Here are some exceptions:

Some men just get really loud and talk over everyone else (usually dumb guys...but hey, it's effective).

Some guys are just so good looking that they let the women come to them.

And some guys (perhaps the most effective of the bunch) play in a band.

Anyway, hope this description wasn't too offensive.

Please excuse any exaggeration you find offensive as either a failed attempt at comedy, or the cynicism that naturally follows from spending nearly a decade in marriage-hungry singles wards.

Next time I'll try to be more participatory and have a better attitude.

Have a sunny day.