Babies (With Pictures)

Well, I've been home for a few days now, and I've spent a good deal of that time playing with my niece...so, I've been thinking about babies.

It's really sad: it's so feminizing for a guy to say they've been thinking about babies. I really can't imagine myself hanging out with the boys and saying "let's talk about babies for a while, aren't they so cute!" Oh well, I guess I'll have to find some other avenue to project my masculinity.

Anyway, back to the main point, we really have a clear division of labor as far as babies are concerned. For example: on Sunday my whole family gathered together. In one room all the women gathered together, cooing and prodding my niece. In the other room all the guys gathered together, and had testosterone time.

In the woman's room they all took turns spewing adjectives about the baby. And of course to do this, they all raised their voices a few registers (because as everyone knows, babies only communicate in frequencies dogs can't even hear).

In the man's room the guys talked about manly things like shaving, video games, and not asking for directions.

I'm not quite sure why it's not cool for guys to like babies. They're so crazy and small. Babies are really lucky that for some reason tiny equates to cute. Their hands are amazing (they're like real person hands but fat and smaller (disclaimer: babies are real people...sorta)).

Baby feet are just silly-cute. Clothing designers caught on to the cuteness of baby feet are and they've made all sorts of ridiculous furry things to put on them. Babies got bunny shoes, ladybug shoes, shoe shoes, little paw shoes....I really think the majority of creative people in this world work for the baby-clothing design firms.

Another cool thing about babies: their expressions. Only a newborn can set a room in motion with a smile.

What gets me is that I find babies really cute, but if I ever try to describe them it's hard to justify their cuteness. The smallness is cute, but let's look at the rest of them......

1) They're bald: that's not attractive by any standard. My little niece has such fine hair that wherever she lays down she goes bald. Also, she has cradle cap so the top of her head needs to be scrubbed...which results in a look remarkably similar to the traditional horseshoe shape of male pattern baldness... somehow she pulls this off.

2) They're fat: I don't get this. Fatness is a bad thing, everyone talks about how it's disgusting, but with babies, the fatter they are the cuter they are.

3) They can't talk and they cry all the time: When regular people cry their face crumbles. They really can't look attractive.... they got snot on their face, it gets all puffy and red....but baby tears are cute. They inspire us to gush and reach out to them with love. When an adult cries you expect them to leave the room.

As for talking, they just can't do that. They just sit there and coo and gargle and blow bubbles that glide down their face. I find this cute, but I for the life of me can't figure out why.

4) They can't control their bowels: Okay, so their poo doesn't stink yet, but it's still disgusting. They poop so often, it's like they're rabbits or ferrets or something. An adult with the bowel frequency and control of a newborn would (justifiably) have no friends.

So, these are the major complaints I have about babies. I would complain about how they require feeding every 3 hours, day and night, but I've never had to wake up to feed a baby in the middle of the night so I don't feel qualified to make this complaint.

I guess the real amazing thing is that with all these faults babies are still wonderful. They're so peaceful, helpless (the perfect underdog), they're so trusting, they smell fresh (usually)...I guess we're lucky that all these qualities are enough to tip the scale and ensure the perpetuation of our species.

Oh, I almost forgot, a really great thing about babies is getting to play with them. You can take their hands and put them in funny poses (my niece plays an awesome air guitar). You can talk to them like they're a regular person and they don't interrupt (my niece has had quite a few lectures on topics ranging from the economy to pirates). You can sing them ridiculous songs and make up lyrics as you go without fear of looking stupid (a frustrating thing about this is that sometimes the song is quite good and the imparitiality of the baby means your genius goes unappreciated).

But when it all comes down to it, I think one of the best things about babies is how they bring a person's soul to the surface. When a baby is around you see the sorta love a person has, what they're capable of. I mean, we all sorta hold back when we love, probably cause we're afraid to get hurt. But when you have a baby around you can love as intensely as you want and you'll always feel rewarded and safe. It's sorta like taking a car to a closed track and flooring it to see what's under the hood. Babies let you really explore how deeply and purely you can love. I think this is why so many people love having babies...it changes them because they get to experience (often for the first time) the intensity of love that is the standard (standard here meaning our self-imposed maximum capacity to love) by which we should love everyone else.

Well, that's what I've been thinking about. My niece is pretty awesome. She's very cute, and she's so well behaved. She hasn't cried once since she's been here. Also, she's got some awesome clothes. She really can rock the ladybug sleepers...not many people can.

I guess this wasn't a very masculine post. I probably better go have a manly talk with someone. Anyone want to talk about explosives?

p.s. I didn't proofread this, sorry for all the mistakes.



Picture 1: Mommy and happy baby. Summer loves to rock the headband.



Here's Nick. I've known him since I was 6. He's really good with babies, but it looks really strange when he holds Summer cause he's kind of enormous...and she's pretty small.







Here is the picture where she looks like a little pink Sith Lord...very scary.



Here's Summer with Uncle Tim.